Tuesday, December 30, 2008
"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."
Its going to be a new year. Life might not be as kind as this kid's innocent and mischievous smile.
But what the heck.....Gear Up!!!!!!!!
Life is calling. Live life zestfully...as if there is no tomorrow.
Happy new year. :)
Monday, December 22, 2008
Him - "Can you bring me some water please?" (Thinks "Damn. Why does this guy Dravid playing so slowly even in highlights?")
Her - "Yeah. Just a minute." (Thinks "Idiot! Can't even get up from his place and fetch water.")
Him (after 2 minutes) - "Hey. I asked for water 10 minutes before". (Ha! How lazy and unresponsive people are!)
Her - "It's been just 2 minutes. Done exaggerate." (Either way your TV time is screwed after 10 mins.)
Him - "Damn. This guy is so slow." (Oops. Another 10 mins and she will be glued to the saas-bahu-pati shit.)
Her - (As if he is like Roadrunner. Don't think he even played street cricket. All Indian men are the same. Score Ducks on field and turn expert commentators at home.)
Him - (What the heck! I will get water myself.) (Gets bottle from the fridge in the kitchen.)
Her - "I was going to bring water for you." (Good. Maybe I should regularly follow this strategy regularly.)
Him - "Yeah. I know." (My parents pierced my ears when I was 2 years old.) "I just did not want to disturb you." (How about some flattery eh?)
Her - "Hee hee. So sweet" (Dude! Mine too were pierced when I was 1. So just stop bluffing.).
Him - "You want remote so that you can watch Ms. Ekta Kapur's rona-dhona show?" (Either way this guy Dravid is a bore. Atleast I can get to watch some nice chicks in the serial.)
Her - "No its fine. You hardly get time to watch match. Enjoy it today." (Ha! I know what's on your mind. I can live with the re-telecast episode tomorrow.)
Him - "So nice of you. But it's seriously ok. You can go ahead." (Oh C'mon! Just say yes)
Her - "It's ok. You enjoy." (Well...you are caught and bowled honey.)
Him - "Ok. Then I will switch over to the news." (Oops. Am I in the wrong house? Or am I with the wrong Woman?)
Her - "Whatever you like." (Oh God! How many times do men have to watch news in a day and give the same reaction when they play the same news?)
Him - "Oh Damn! Sensex down still? Stupid Americans." (Oops. What will happen to my shares?)
Her - (See what I am talking about? The sensex is down for so long and still he gives the same reaction every time he sees it. Men!!!!).
Him - "Ok. You can enjoy your serial." (Atleast this is better than self-blood-pressure-raising news.)
Her - (after watching for 5 mins) "Oh God! Savitri's sister ran away? What a disgrace." (Oh God! Why test Savitri behen so much?)
Him - (smiles) (See this? She feels for her as if Savitri was her own sister. Why do women get so much attached to their serial characters? Women!!!!)
Her - (Looks at their kid laying down eyes open in the mattress) "Why is JuJu not sleeping today?" (Oh God! Not the Doctor!!)
Him - "Really? It's close to 10. He must be asleep now." (Oops! Not the Doctor)
Theirs - "Ga Ga Ga" (Hey!!! Go back to your business people. What do you think I am? Some freak show?)
Her - "He seems to have lost some weight, Isn't it?" (Must feed him more Farex from tomorrow)
Him - "Yeah. We need to feed him more." ( I must stop eating his Farex when I feed him from tomorrow.)
Theirs – "Gi Gi Gi" (Wow. These people are really worried. Let me try it some other way). (Starts wailing).
Him - "What the hell happened? Why is he crying suddenly?" (Oh Damn! Was I so annoying as well in my childhood?)
Her - "I donno. Maybe he is hungry. I will bring some milk for him." (Oh God. Now what?)
Theirs - (As they leave, he stops wailing) (Wow. This works. Maybe I should try it often.)
Her - "Ju Ju Ju Ju Ju! Eat this Farex my baby" (Hope he falls asleep for some time.)
Him - (Ah...the sweet smell and taste of Farex. Seriously, why can't grown-ups eat farex?)
Theirs - (blinks) (Oh ho! Seems this one backfired!!!!!)
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Guddu - "Tell me a story."
Munna - "Enough stories Guddu. Go to bed. Today is Wednesday and not Friday. You have to go to school tomorrow. It's already way past your bed time."
Guddu - "No. I will sleep only if you tell me a story."
Munna - "Do you know that rest of the 6 year old kids in this colony listen to their parents and elders?"
Guddu - "Do you know that the rest of the 6 year kids get their share of bed-time stories and then go to bed? Being elder to me by 4 years and with baba not around, you can very well take the responsibility. What say?"
Munna - You almost talk like grown-ups.
Guddu – Don't divert Bhaiyya. Tell no.
Munna - What story do you want? Ramayan? Chacha Chaudhry? Shaktimaan?
Guddu - Tell me about our Mother.
Munna - How many times you want to listen to that? I have told you that like some hundreds of times.
Guddu - So what? I am prepared to listen for another thousand times. Won't you do this for your cute little sister?
Munna - (sighs) What do you want to listen? The story of how she married Baba? Or how she made me wear Baba's old dress which was loose and all baggy? Or how she protected you from the neighbor's kid?
Guddu - Anything you like Bhaiyya. I just want a story.
Munna - Ok. Then here we go. But promise me that you will sleep after listening to this story.
Guddu - Promise. Mother Promise.
Munna - It was 12 years ago when they first met. Baba used to work in Murari kaka's shop and Ma used to live in the nearby colony. She used to come to the shop to buy groceries.
Guddu - Baba liked Ma from the beginning?
Munna - You have asked me this question so many times. Don't you know the answer?
Guddu - I just want to listen it from you Bhaiyya.
Munna - Yeah. Ma was so beautiful. She had the subtle beauty. It was like that of a morning mist transformed into a raindrop hanging on to the petals of the hibiscus flower. She had the smile of angels. Murari Kaka used to say that she was called "Colony's Madhuri Dixit."
Guddu - Do I look as cute as her?
Munna - (pauses) Yes Guddu. You inherited Ma's healing smile and charming personality.
Guddu - So then Baba told her or kept his love to himself?
Munna - Baba was afraid. Ma had not spoken much to him and they used to speak with eye-gestures.
Guddu - And then Baba told her one day.
Munna – Don't rush Guddu. I am getting there (ruffles her hair).
Guddu - I love that part when he screws it up.
Munna - Ok Ok. I will tell that. One day, he decides to tell her and so has "I Love You" written in Hindi in the news paper that Ma comes to receive every day.
Guddu - And the newspaper is taken by Grandma that day. Haa haa haa (starts laughing).
Munna - You know everything. Ok. Let me then go to bed.
Guddu - OK OK. I won't interrupt. You tell it.
Munna – That's better (winks). And then instead of Ma, Grandma comes in and takes the newspaper. Since Baba is not around, the newspaper is handed over to Grandma by Murari Kaka. Its just Baba's good fate that the news paper lands in Ma's hands.
Guddu - And then Grandma comes and shouts at Baba.
Munna – Yeah, but surprisingly Ma is very strong. She has also liked Baba and is very strong about that.
Guddu - And hence, they get married at Vaishno Devi temple. That's why I am named Vaishnavi. (smiles) But why do all of you call me Guddu?
Munna – That's because when Ma saw you for the first time, she said "Gudiya Jaisi dikhti hai" (you look like a doll) and hence we call you Guddu. (Ruffles her hair again)
Guddu - You forgot to tell that those were Ma's last words.
There is an awkward silence between them. Munna being the only one who had seen his mom, he could tell her anything about their Mother and she would believe him. It's not as if she would believe it, but it's because she did not have much choice.
Guddu - Bhaiyya. Can I ask something?
Munna - Yes Guddu.
Guddu - Ma left us in the government hospital after giving birth to me. Baba won't leave us no?
Munna - (hugs Guddu) Don't be stupid Guddu. It's just that Baba is late today. See, now he doesn't work at the shop. He is earning all by himself. It is to give a better life for us. To make us happy and help us study in a bigger school.
Guddu - I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to live without you and Baba. (Starts crying)
Munna – Don't cry Guddu. It's ok. Nothing will happen.
Just then, their neighbor Ganpat enters.
Ganpat - Munna. Did you watch the news today? Or say now about 30 mins before?
Munna - No. Raju Bhaiyya has gone out. And we all watch news at his house when he is there. Anything important?
Ganpat - (looks at Munna and Guddu) There was a shooting incident shown on TV.
Munna - (becomes terrified) Where?
Ganpat - (hesitantly) Near CST....where your Baba sells vada paav.
Munna – (gets terrified) What should we do?
Ganpat – It's been like an hour. We should go there and check....if he is there...or not.
Guddu starts crying. Munna fights back his tears.
Munna - Guddu. Promise me something. Don't cry. Nothing must have happened to our Baba.
Guddu - (wails loudly) I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to be here.
Munna – Don't worry. It will be all right. It will be all right. (pauses) Lets go Ganpat Bhaiyya.
Munna carries Guddu to Ganpat's house. In the TV news, flash news runs about the Taj Hotel bombing and a reporter is running helter shelter. CST Gunfire incident runs in the scroll below. The Common Man is not even bothered to be covered and the whole incident is hyped as if Page-3 celebrities and socialites are the only ones running the country. The cruel fact is that we live in a society which suffers from 'Chalta hai' attitude. The Common man is the spot of limelight only during the elections, otherwise for which he can die in train blasts, bomb-blasts, caste or state riots, landslides, accidents, lack of medical attention….which is pretty much to say is not a NATURAL CAUSE OF DEATH. At the end of the day or a week later, when this incident is buried amidst a new scandal or blasts, we celebrate and hail the 'Spirit of Mumbai'. Hypocrisy at its best!!!!!!!!
Munna watches the news and walks with Ganpat in search of his father. He is not sure if while returning, will he walk with him or will be carrying him on his shoulders….in pieces. He walks with lots of questions, lots of prayers, lots of anger…….and very little hope.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Your wife/GF could be akin to the zero-sized Ileana/Kareena kapur or be as huge as the mothership in 'Independence Day', but irrespective of that, women think that they are fat. Don't ask me why, but they do.
All of a sudden she decides to hand over your Moment of Truth. "Honey, do I look fat?"
Now the normal way to make her happy is actually quite simple. You have to radiate an instant stupid smile like the Happy-Dent White guy and say "You are so fit that you should be on Maxim's list of Hottest woman in the world."
Now how do we screw it up? I know you might not be very interested in this part, but trust me, this is bound to happen whether you like it or not. Its actually even simpler. There are 2 ways to do it.
You can just give a bewildered look that men usually give when they are on the verge of nature's call and are unable to find a loo. Just get back to normal after 10 seconds and say "No honey" and make sure your voice is so fake that a piano could fall on you. And if you want to give an impression as if Raja Harishchandra and you were underwear buddies, you can say "Hmm....not much honey. This is just baby fat. I would call you cute and chubby." I am not sure if you would be reciting the third line in normal tone if you survive her wrath after the first 2 lines.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Hi there. So I do seem to have your attention (assuming that you are reading), eh?
You took the bait didn't you? Ok Ok. Stop looking like a baby who has just urinated in his diapers.
I know what you are thinking. Usually when people read titles like "candle in the dark" or "How to screw politicians" and they are like "Oh man...not again". Seriously. After all the hard work we do, we want to be entertained. And it's not wrong because that's what everyone feels they are entitled to.
But for arguments sake, what would you think if I told you that I have this title just to retain your interest till this point? Ah....you feel as if I am playing with our mind.
The point is that after months of status reports, MOMs, mails etc, I think I might have lost my flair for language. Worse case, if I do try to write, I might end up sounding like Bush. And seriously, no sane man wants to sound like him. So this post might be on the irregular side with an informal approach and face-to-face talk.
So why this topic? Look, first, it's interesting. Boys would be like "Show us tips to hook them mate. Either way we don't need your advice to screw it up." and girls would be like "Huh. Even god and our parents don't understand how we work. Who the hell is this guy to say he understands us?"
But still, you might stick just for the heck of it. Come on, if you had been disinterested you would have decided to shift your mouse to the right handed corner of screen and bring everything to rest in peace. Boys stick to know if what I say is in line with their screwed up affairs and girls want to know if these are the only available ways.
Now what is this about?
This is a very stupid collection of 10 steps which is the best effective way to end your courtship with possibly ANY girl on earth. Well, we know that there are thousands of them, but I am just giving you a hint of some from my perspective. Either way, you are reading and you can share your amazing experiences as well and enlighten your fellow human beings.
Now you wonder why the hell I am writing this? What is my expertise in this area? I remember an old quote which says "Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make all of them yourself".
In effect, this is a compilation of some errors I have seen others make and then wish they could go back in time. It's like the film critics, you know. All the film critics are so good at criticizing and shredding it to pieces and stuff, but ask them to direct one for the audience (remember Khalid Mehmood?) and they are much worse duds. Either way, I know you buggers are not going to believe me and think that this is something I have gone through. Suit yourself!!!!
This would be an irregular series and will be posted from time to time depending on my workload and mood (see, I can throw tantrums!). So I will start posting the first one before coming Sunday (30-11-08).
My fellow professionals will understand how dangerous it is to commit to a delivery date and live to see it done :).
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
அவள்: "எப்போ பாரு ஜொள்ளு தானா? உங்களுக்கு வேற ஒன்னுமே தெரியாதா?"
அவன்: அப்படி கோச்சுக்கும்போத்தும் கூட நீ அழகா தான் இருக்க தெரியுமா?
அவள்: இதே வார்த்தை தானே அந்த கீழு தெரு சரோஜா கிட்டேயும் சொன்னீங்க?
அவன்: ஐயோ. இது என்ன வம்பா போச்சு. நான் பாட்டுக்கு நான் உண்டு என் வேலை உண்டுன்னு இருக்கேன். என் மேல இப்படி அபாண்டமா பழி போடற.
அவள்: எனக்கு எல்லாம் தெரியும். சும்மா இந்த புருடா எல்லாம் விடாதீங்க.
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்...நான் சொன்ன நம்ப மாட்ட. சரோஜா சொன்னா மட்டும் நம்புவ.
அவள் : அப்படி தான் வேச்சுகொங்களேன்.
அவன்: இந்த மாலை எவ்வளவு வாசனையா இருக்கு தெரியுமா?
அவள்: அட. உங்களுக்கு வாசனை எல்லாம் வருமா?
அவன்: கிண்டல் தானே. ஏதோ அன்னைக்கி ஜலதோஷம் இருந்துது அதுனால உன்னை பார்க்க வரும்போது வாசனை வரலைன்னு சொன்னேன். அதையே பிடிச்சிண்டு இருந்தா எப்படி.
அவள்: பார்க்கிற மாதிரியா வந்தீங்க? வேர்த்து விறுவிறுத்து...யப்பா. உங்க கிட்ட கூட நெருங்க முடியல.
அவன்: பின்ன? வேலை முடிஞ்சு வந்தா உங்க ஊருல என்ன சந்தனமும் ஜவ்வாதும் கலந்தடிச்ச வாசனையா வரும்?
அவள்: பண்றதை எல்லாம் பண்ணிட்டு நல்லா சாக்கு சொல்லுங்க.
அவன்: ஒரு அப்பாவி மேல இப்படி அநியாயமா பழி போடறியே?
அவள்: யாரு? நீங்க அப்பாவியா? இத்தனை பேரு நம கல்யாணத்துல சுத்தி இருக்காங்க, அப்போ கூட சில்மிஷம் பண்றீங்களே, நீங்களா அப்பாவி?
அவன்: என் என் ...என்ன பண்ணிட்டேன்?
அவள்: உண்மையை சொல்லுங்க? உங்க காலால நீங்க என் காலை வருடல?
அவன்: ஒரு இளைஞன் ஒரு இளைஞ்சி கை காலை பிடிக்கிறது ஜகஜம். ஏன்னா இது வாலிப வயசு.
அவள்: வாலிப வயசா? இதெல்லாம் ரொம்ப ஜாஸ்தி நக்கல் தான். 3 கழுதை வயசாச்சு உங்களுக்கு.
அவன்: இப்படி எல்லாம் வெட்ட வெளிச்சமா உண்மையை வெளில சொல்ல கூடாது. உன் புருஷன் மானம் தானே போகுது.
அவள்: சரி...விஷயத்துக்கு வருவோம். என்ன வாசனை வருது உங்களுக்கு?
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்....நல்ல ரோசாப்பு வாசனை வருது. அது கூடவே ஏதோ தூக்கலா ஒரு வாசனை. அநேகமா உன்கிட்டேருந்து தான் இருக்கும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறேன்.
அவள்: ஹையோ. உங்களை திருத்தவே முடியாது.
அவன்: உண்மையை சொல்லு. உனக்கு மனசுக்குள்ள குளிர்ச்சியா இல்லை? பொய் சொல்ல கூடாது.
அவள்: (தயங்கி) இருக்கு......
அவன்: பார்த்தியா. பிடிச்சிருக்கு. ஆனா வெளில பண்ற பந்தா எல்லாம் ஏதோ ஒன்னுமே பிடிக்காத மாதிரி தான்.
அவள்: ஹீ ஹீ. ஆமா...இத்தனை பேரு நாம ரெண்டு பேருக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணி வெக்கிறாங்களே, மழை பெய்யும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறீங்க?
அவன்: மழை பெய்யனும்னா மரம் வேணும். அந்த மரத்தை எல்லாம் கட்டிடம் எழுப்பறவன் வேட்டிடான். ஏறில இருந்த தண்ணியையும் மணலையும் இவனுங்களே லாரில அனுபிச்சாங்க. அப்புறம் உனக்கும் எனக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணினா மட்டும் எப்படி மழை பெய்யும்??????
அவள்: இதோ வரான் பாருங்க என் எஜமான். பரதேசி!!!! மனசாட்சியே இல்லாம அவ்வளவு துணியை என் முதுகுல ஏத்தறான் படுபாவி.
அவன்: கவலை படாதே செல்லம். அடுத்த ஜன்மத்துல நாம மனுஷனா பொறந்து, அவன் நம்ம மாதிரி கழுதையா பொறக்கணும், நம்ம கிட்டயே வேலைக்கி சேரனும். மவனே! அதுக்கு வால்ல வெடி வெச்சு கொளுத்தி ஓட ஓட விரட்டறேன்.
அவள்: வேணாங்க. நமக்கு எதுக்கு இந்த வீணா போன மனுஷ பிறவி. கொறைஞ்ச பட்சம் நாமளே நம்மோட இனத்தை வேட்ட்றதும் கொல்றதும் இல்லையே.
அவன்: நமக்கு இருக்கிற அறிவு இந்த கழுதைங்களுக்கு இல்லாம போச்சே.
இரண்டு பெரும் சிரிக்கிறார்கள்....சாரி....கனைக்கிறார்கள்.
Monday, October 20, 2008
So as budding programmers, we basically copied and pasted other answers as our ambitions throwing a bit of reason here and there. If Ramu said he wanted to be doctor because he has seen his grandpa suffer, Shamu said he wanted to be a doctor because his mom said so. Since engineering was not as common aspiration as Nair's chaaya shop those days, we refrained from "becoming engineers" atleast in that class. I remember answering to become a pilot as I always had the fascination to fly...of course for free and heck get paid as well. Believe me, the part of accompanying beautiful air-hostesses struck me years later.
But as well as I remember, no one ever mentioned that he/she wanted to be a politician. Why would that be? We all know that politics is not a career as like Engineering, medical or Management. As much as clearing IAS is viewed as a matter of pride in the society, the sheer mention of "being in politics" pictures only one view.
Greed. Corruption. Gundagardi.
When was the last time you remember that you saw a politician's pic and telling yourself "That was a good man"? No no...rule out the man smiling on the rupee note. That was bloody ages ago. The things synonymous with Indian politics are scams, murder, party-hopping, goons, black money, inappropriate property, Binaami, Dharna etc. I guess I almost told every possible thing they get summoned to courts for in their political career.
Looking at the incident in Maharashtra where the amazing Raj Thackeray's chamchaas drove away job-aspirants and ranting that they "Want" 80% seats for locals, you wonder "WTF". So that means that you can be a Marathi by birth, produce a caste and birth certificate to prove so and walk all the way to get a government job by sheer right of your birth. Wow! Did you think that getting job was so f***ing easy?
And what happened after his goons did so? 6 people got arrested. So that’s it. Raj would never repeat it isn’t it? Hey, Mr Deshmukh. Didn’t someone tell you that the ball is in your court? And vulgarly I mean the "balls" you know (pardon the foul language people). Judging by whatever is happening there, I donno if anyone in your government has any.
Today he asks the "youth" brigade to rough "outsiders" when they come to write exams. So what’s the point he is trying to make? That the people of Maharashtra don’t have the competency to compete in an exam and get job? Isn’t that an insult to their intelligence? If today, he can beat outsiders to get their jobs, why do you think he won’t beat the locals tomorrow to vote for him? Well, so much for thinking and voting.
So what is wrong with us? We Indians love free stuff. The only thing we won’t (i hope) possibly take free is shit and acid. There is free TV, 1 rupee rice, free sarees, free notebooks. Where does the money come from? Who gives a f**k. We get it free, so shut up and get it. So what could be the next free item on Politicians agenda in the next elections?
Since we started with TV, the next step could be laptops and computers. And what if the oppositions decides to distribute HiPhone (iPhone duplicate :P)? Simple. Maybe the party guys will turn pimps and supply girls. Hey, don’t frown. You may see it happening sooner than you think. Bharath mein sab kuch possible hai baap.
Either way, I would to congratulate Mr. Raj. No. This is not about his terrific "achievement". It doesn’t take Nostradamus to predict that Mr. Raj will win the next election hands down courtesy local jingoism. That in turn may just lead to Raj "clones" in every other state who will turn the heat on "outsiders".
And a man of his word he is, I bet he will bring everything down to separate Maharashtra from rest of the nation....and that may just be the beginning of our end.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
He: "I can't believe we spent 400 bucks on this useless piece of trash."
She: "Told ya. After all this guy made Dhoom. You can't expect him to turn out a Dark Knight for heaven's sake."
He: Yeah, I know. But then, what was I supposed to do? After all, we need to do something on Friday evening.
She: Well, for starters you could have taken my suggestion.
He: And what would that be? End up with something like Maama Mia or Aaja Nachle? Gosh, they had so many songs like Hum aapke hain kaun.
She: Wow. You remember it? I thought you dozed off midway through the movie.
He: I would have for the entire 2 hours, if you were not constantly nudging me and asking me to look at Madhuri's dress, costumes and glowing skin.
She: You didn't hear my suggestion yet.
He: You don't forget, do you? So what was your Friday bailout plan?
She: Simple. Order a sumptuous Pizza from Pizza hut and play the "Jab We Met" DVD on our home theatre system.
He: Didn't we do that previous month on some Friday?
She: You can thank me my dear husband. You were planning to watch 'Mission Istanbul'.
He: Damn! You remember everything. I donno why do these idiots keep making such stupid trash.
She: Because there are idiots like you who are prepared to pay and watch it. And there are innocent people like me who have to accompany without choice.
He: Look. What am I supposed to do? After all the boring work I do for 5 days in a week, I need some outlet.
She: Outlet? Sounds like you need some chimney fixed above your head.
He: No. Like, I need to see few explosions, few thrills, car chases, double-crossing, Villains getting bashed. You know that I can't do these in my real life for sure. Atleast lemme watch someone else do it.
She: Not late you know. I can atleast help you with the 'getting bashed up' part.
He: Looks like you have some plans of your own.
She: You betcha!
He: Now you sound like Sarah Palin.
She: I am not that dumb yet honey.
He: God, we need to travel so far back to home. Damn you Imran Khan!
She: Stop cursing him. He was okay. Besides, you got your fill. What do you care about?
He: What fill? There were hardly any thrills in the movie.
She: You could not take your eyes off Minisha's cleavage.
He: As if I designed her costumes. She comes half naked for the whole movie. What am I supposed to do? Cover my eyes like kids?
She: Like you did when you went to Rangeela ?
He: How do you know that?
She: Your mom told me.
He: See. I have been such a good kid back then.
She: Don't bluff boss. She saw you watching Urmila's non-existent dress through the gap of your fingers while you maintained your act of being 'holier-than-thou'.
He: Oops! Should I call it busted?
She: So tell me? You could not stop staring right?
He: Look. It was unintentional. I went to watch an action movie. What can I do if a chick decides to skip wearing dress and the director turns out to be a sleazy bugger?
She: Quite right. Do you know that the couple next to us was sitting with their arms intertwined?
He: You should have told me. I would have suggested few good surgeons to consult.
She: Haa haa haa. Very funny. You were so romantic before marriage.
He: (mutters) next time, I should check for individual seats.
He: Nothing. Next time, you sit on my lap and I will feed you an ice-cream.
She: You dont get it do you? You think that buying me a 5000 Rs Necklace or a costly sari or expensive Burberry perfume is going to compensate for the time I don't get to spend with you?
He: You tell me, what to do?
She: That's the point. There is little joy in getting things that I ask for. Greater joy lies in getting the unsaid wish list. For me...... and you.
Both remain silent for another 30 mins. They reach their house and she opens the door and almost slams it.
As she enters, she is astonished to find a huge portrait of theirs in the hall.
She looks at him and is at loss for words.
He: I remembered you looking at the portrait that day in the photo studio. Thought it would be a nice surprise.
She: But how did you do it?
He: Let's keep that a secret. Otherwise I can't do something like some other time.
She: Tell No. Pleaseeeeeeeeee.
He: (takes her in his arms and whispers) Women and secret. They never go together.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
And when photoshopped....it can be colorful as well.
Check my flickr account for more :)
P.S: Thanks to Prithz for the smokin idea and photoshopping it as well.
You deserve a great treat.
One amazingly soothing song.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A: Namaste Bolo. Dont say Hello. It is english and you should learn to respect your language.
Q: (intimidated)Sssssorry Sir. Sir, how did you decide to enter politics?
A: That was simple. My uncle Mr. Gol Jockeray has been heading a party and doing 'social service' to Megarashtra for 30 odd years. When the junta can be so stupid to put up with him for so long, I clearly fancied my chances. And also...this is the only country in the world where you can talk anything and get away with it (winks).
Q: Wow. Thats quite an eye opener. What is your agenda sir?
A: Well. As of now my personal wealth is 30-40 crores. I would like to have something around 3-4000 crores by the time I retire. I think it is possible. Isnt it?
A: And yeah. I want to have some roads named after me. Possibly a cricket stadium, a statue and so on. I am not greedy you see. Maybe I will buy a Bentley and a Ferrari. Buy some palatial house for my wife. And then....
Q: (interupting) Sir. I asked the agenda of your party.
A: (disinterested) Oh that? Thats the same shit that everyone says. Arey Pandu! What did you write as our agenda in that meeting speech?
Pandu: Upliftment of poor. Restoring our cultural pride. (thinks for some time) Bhool gaya saab.
A: Dont worry. The stupids who voted for us dont remember it either (he and his goons laugh at his joke). I think that superstar Suranjeevi also said something as such. Isnt it?
Q: (mumbles) All you morons have been saying the same shit since independence. And we stupids believe it.
Q: I said that is so original and path breaking. No one ever thought on those lines.
A: Thanks. Thats why I made Pandu jump from my uncle's party to mine. Heck, cost me 2 C.
Q: Why should it cost you 'to see'? Is he like Madonna or Britney?
A: Idiot. I meant 2 crores. What kind of a reporter are you that does not even know 2 C? Every citizen in our country knows this.
Q: Pardon my ignorance Sir. Do you really mean what you say in your agenda?
A: You mean this upliftment of poor and all that crap? You think that every politician in our country or this world for that matter means it from their heart?
Q: (thinks) Not really.
A: Exactly. Either way you know that I will say 'YES'. Atleast I know that I am not in 'The Moment of Truth' and no one will ever realize whether I am lying or not.(laughs at his own joke)
Q: Good for you.Why did your release angry statement against Bollywood Superstar Bhumitabh Achchan?
A: Oh that. Well, a week ago I saw his film 'Slack' and I think he hammed too much. Wanted to retort in some way. All he had to do was open his mouth and speak. We twisted it. So simple.
Q: Oh. Your party men cleared his posters and also took out procession against him. Why?
A: Cmon. How long do you think I can be feeding them vada paav and Chicken Teriyaaki in my backyard. Those morons have to do some work for that to be digested. This was just some excercise for them.
Q: Why do you want Juhari's and JP state's members out from your state?
A: Because they wont vote for me.
A: (realizing he had said too much) I mean they dont vote in elections. And also they get promotions at work places that our state people. How can we tolerate that?
Q: You mean, a person whould get promoted if he is born here?
A: And if he votes for me (winks).
Q: So original. Why has your party targeted Gayrukh Khan now?
A: What to do? Its your fault.
A: Yeah. The media. We have to stay in news. The best way is to be a film star or cricketer. Next best way, is to launch attacks against them for any reason. And we are on all channels 24*7. Simple and effective.
Q: What is your next plan?
A: To take myself to the public.
Q: You are going to become pimp?
A: No re. I am planning to release a statement that all Bollywood producers should produce atleast one movie starring me. Either way my party men will 'take care' to make sure it runs for 100 days. So people will know me and I will become popular.
Q: And next?
A: I will threaten centre to release us and make us a separate country. That’s the only way I can realize my dream of becoming a PM. (looks above the ceiling
Reporter runs as fast as he could to escape the thought of the 'dream'.
Every discussion on a stupid politician ultimately culminates to this guy. Watch his amazing 'Top 10 Moments'.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Zaheer: "And that is how the tortoise beat the hare in a race. Now, tell me Abraham, what do you learn from this?"
Abraham: "That you should not sleep during the race. Either way once you win the race, they give you enough money to buy an AC and a house."
Zaheer: "Where do you people learn this stuff?"
Abraham: "What did you derive from the story Zaheer uncle when you were a kid?"
Z: When I was 7 years old as you are now? I dozed off halfway as teacher was explaining it. Atleast you are focused.
A: And what is your age now?
Z: Well, you have to add 22 years more to yours. That makes it?
A: (thinks for a while) 29. Correct?
Z: Wow. Terrific. You must be first rank in your class?
A: In LKG and UKG, I got first rank 2 times.
Z: 2 times. WOWWWWWWW. In 1st standard?
A: In my class 1st standard F section, I got first rank in half-yearly and annual exam. Now I am in Second standard, E section.
Z: You are so brilliant. Did mummy daddy always ask you to keep studying?
A: Dad was cool about it. He always told me that I was very brilliant. My mom used to pester me a lot.
Z: Let me guess. She didnt allow you to play cricket. Correct?
A: Not just cricket. No gilli danda,no lukka chuppi, no video games.
Z: Oh. Do you hate her for that?
A: No. I love her. She makes me such delicious food every day. Where are mummy- daddy now?
Z: They will come soon. So, who was your best friend in school?
A: RajKumar. He lived 2 streets away. His uncle used to come to our house. He used to buy me chocolates.
Z: Oh wow. What chocolate do you like?
A: Milky Bar. My mom used to give me one every time I finished my homework.
Z: Ok. Lets have a deal. If you finish your dinner without further questions and asking stories, I will get you a milky bar.
A: I will wait for my parents and eat with them.
Z: They will come. You finish your dinner. Otherwise they will scold poor Zaheer uncle that he did not feed their cute son. Will they or wont?
A: (thinks for a while) My parents don’t scold. They are very friendly. We have so many friends in our neighborhood.
Z: Still, they might scold you. So you be a good boy and finish the dinner. Zaheer uncle will go and get you your Milky Bar. Done deal?
A: Done deal. Thanks
Zaheer rushed to the nearest departmental store outside the hospital and got 2 Milky Bar packets. He walked back to the reception and gave a quizzing look at the receptionist Ms. Latha.
Latha: "Sorry Dr.Zaheer. We still don’t have any information regarding his relatives."
Zaheer: "Come on Latha. There must be someone. Some uncle, aunty, cousin...someone."
Latha: "Most of them lived in the same neighborhood when the incident happened. So the chances are...practically slim."
Zaheer: "Damn it. Did the police arrest anyone?"
Latha looked at him with a look which meant "Don’t-you-know-it-wont-happen".
Zaheer: "Wow. Hail democracy. Some mad men decide to kill people, burn their houses, ransack their life and they walk freely. How can someone be so cruel to burn an orphanage? Have people in this country pawned their hearts?"
Latha: "Cool down Doctor."
Zaheer: "Cool Down? You want me to cool down? Go and try telling that innocent kid, that his parents have been murdered by the very people who lived next Street to him. Go try telling him that his world was darkened and will remain so when he was sleeping on that fateful night. If not for the neighboring injured Gurkha who found him asleep, he might have been dead as well."
Latha: "Did you tell him about his parents?"
Zaheer: "I find it hard to tell demise news to elders. He is a kid for god’s sake. I...don’t know how to tell him. Everytime I look deep into his innocent brown eyes, I feel like breaking down. Don’t know how long I can keep him distracted with Milky bars."
Latha remained silent.
Zaheer: “Childhood is all about hope in life. This news will bring his world crashing down and he will lose hope in entire mankind. All that will remain would be pieces. His, mine and all ours.”
Zaheer walked back to the room where Abraham was finishing his dinner.
Zaheer: "Hey little champ. Here is my part of bargain. Milky baaaaaaaaar."
Abraham: "Thanks Zaheer Uncle. Uncle, can you tell me something."
Zaheer: "Try me."
Abraham: "When I woke up yesterday, there was blood on my hands. Can you tell me why?"
Zaheer: "Unfortunately we all have in ours as well Abraham. It’s just that you see it and we don’t."
It would take some years for Abraham to understand what Dr. Zaheer really meant.
It would take some years for Abraham to understand what Dr. Zaheer really meant.
P.S: Partially inspired from this article
Donno how many of you remember this video posted below. Some of you might have seen it as kids in Doordarshan. Guess we need such Jingoism as Americans do :)
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
One billion people and one gold.
Even countries like Ethiopia won a gold medal consistently in Olympics. And we were winning a gold medal after 28 years. Countries which roughly have the population of Chennai or Delhi win atleast 2 gold medals. And we? One gold. This year, we sent about 99 people to Olympics out of which 57 were athletes and 42 were their family members. The Chinese, who are numbered just a little above us in terms of population, sent 600+ athletes.
What were we Indians good at? There should be something that should separate us from the rest of the world. What… we code well? Or as in a technical term, we copy and paste well? We are the worlds back end office. Ok...now that sounded vulgar. But maybe it was the truth. Touche that Yogi who was one among the herd should think of that.
At that time a petite young girl passed by in a scooty. She was wearing a T Shirt which read "Your Boyfriend is staring" which made Yogi laugh. Maybe the girl had got the T Shirt at the wrong place. This was India. Her T Shirt should have read "Your Boyfriend, Brother, Uncle, Father, Grandfather, Dead Great Grand father are staring. Hey...even your mom is staring!!!!".
To the rest of the world, we may be a nerdy and tech savvy country, but inside we still live in rock ages. A girl wearing T-shirt and jeans is till been ogled at in India. And if she is driving any vehicle, you can multiply the count of eyes following her by 2. The amazing thing is that some pervert men ogle at any half (possibly quarter) decent looking girl as if they just dropped Venus to invade them in mars.
The less said about the treatment meted out on dark skinned girls the better. They are looked as social outcasts and sinners. The worst part is that they are humiliated by their own family members. Every man looks at a woman as an object of affection. And yeah....one of Yogi's friend mentioned that girls liked to be noticed. BUT, NOT OGLED.
The way some Indian men stare at unmentionable places for too long, she said, was that even if she didn't look at them, she could feel them gazing. The day Yogi heard that statement, he stopped staring at women like that. At least metro folks were better because they studied in co-ed schools and worked with women and so maintained certain level of decorum. Imagine the folks who might have lived in environment where mingling with women was taught as something taboo?
But then you can't blame the guys. For such an awareness to exist as in western countries and metros, you should propagate sex education. And as long as we have the Senas, Dals, Kazhagams and Leagues 'protecting' our 'culture', this was never ever possible. Who remembers that it was one of our own who wrote the sex odyssey Kamasutra? And how did we rise to become the second populous country on earth? Did we all Indians drop from tree-tops?
Maybe that was what many of our folks were good at. Staring and ogling. Maybe we should have an Ogling championship or medal in Olympics. And more...we can have a 50m, 100m, 400m and relay in Ogling. Yogi was sure that those specially talented Indian men would win Gold, Silver and Bronze hands down in each category. No competition. Hurray!!!! Multiple gold medals for us at last.
As Yogi waited for the bus, he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was his cousin sister who was on the way to college. Yogi noticed that the bearded guy standing next to him was ogling at his sister. Yogi kept looking at him, but he didn’t seem to turn around in shame or embarrassment. Yogi had noticed by practice that the average time taken to make such a pervert Indian male stop look at a women was 25-30 seconds.
Yogi coughed. That was the time the guy realized that Yogi was even standing near her. He turned his head to other side. That's when Yogi noticed the guy next to the bearded fella was staring at her. Yogi coughed again.
He didn't seem to turn away. Now...that was a potential gold winner.
P.S: Since this has been a mokkai serious post, you can cool yourself with this amazing Tex Avery cartoon. Enjoy!!!!!
Friday, August 01, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
By the 10th minute, Yogi was puffing and panting like dogs and his heart started to ache as if he would die out of a cardiac arrest. He tried to distract himself by watching the TV and read the news headlines. He checked them last at around 1 AM and they were still the same. Thank god. No bombs. No coups. The world was becoming a scarier place to live with every day passing by.
After 15 minutes and bucketfull of sweat on his T-Shirt, he read the final analysis which said that he had lost 200 calories. As Yogi walked to the table, he received a small jolt.
The Nike gloves were MISSING!!!!!!
Read more at Mr. Yogi goes to hell
For those not in a mood to read any story, enjoy this song.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Q. Why would you watch Kismat Konnection?
A. It could be because
a. You go to watch some other movie to the theatre and bloody hell...it is houseful.
b. You are not in a mood to return home and so think "what the heck..lets try this out"
c. You Kismat has made some bad Konnection (what is with the 'K' sentiment) due to which your next few hours are going to be short circuited.
d. All the above
If this were KBC and if I was to lock option D, I could have won some decent money. Alas....my luck just stays with me to write reviews. I don’t know if you observed, but I hardly write reviews for any bad movie, unless I force myself to see one and write one as well for funs sake(ex. Kuruvi, Tera Suroor etc). Why? Because I value my money dearly and I have to pay the ticket price out of my pocket unlike the reviewers who get the money milked from their employers. Well...cant call it their luck as they might have gone thru the same ordeal.
Now....you are discouraged reading this. Aren’t you? You wonder "Is this movie really that bad? Or has this guy gone bonkers?". Let me begin this review by asking you some questions. You introspect them and try to figure out WHY I wrote the above paragraph.
a. Why do most of the bollywood heroes need to be baptized as Raj Malhotra or Rahul? Aren’t names as Sunil, Dinesh, Stephen or Harish (dont bother) good enough?
b. Why are all Raj Malhotras in movies predominantly NRIs? If they are really destined to be NRIs maybe I will name my kid as Raj Malhotra (if it is a girl I will name her Anjali). Who knows...he could be singing duets in Swiss Alps or Phuket Islands.
c. Why do Bollywood Heroines try to pose out as 36-28-36 type figures? Whats wrong with being plump and admitting it? I mean I have no problem with a heroine being plump, but why pass it off? If you don’t understand what I am talking about, you should watch Ms. Balan on the big screen wearing those tight outfits that appear to have been stitched for some voluptuous babe. (she appears much better in the recent Airtel ads)
d. Why do all ex-boyfriends of heroines needs to be pakka A-holes? They are either womanizers or jerks or don’t devote time for the heroines and so she sways towards our Hero. This makes you question the judgment of the heroine and wonder if she really is as smart as she is shown on screen.
Maybe it is a subtle directorial touch to emphasize that Love is blind. But yeah...at least it is a far cry from the earlier cinematic trash where the Hero and Heroine were always their respective first love.
e. Why is Ms. Balan entrusted with the job of looking after the sick, old or suffering patients? Is it because she looks like a really nice lady who would go out of her way to do that...or...is it because she looks to be one of their age-group?
f. Why does a Hero have to run and sing solo romantic number (and be joined by many soon) when the heroine touches him? Ok...calm down. I don’t mind if the song is really that good, but why would you not think that if the song is incorporated with the sole aim of increasing the sales of the eateries in the cafeteria.
g. Why do all Bollywood mainstream movies have atleast one shaadi number where they have to incorporate the Punjabi words "tenu" "kudi" “munda” "mar jaava" "Leke Jaava"? The male dress up in designer sherwanis and women dress up in Manish Malhotra wardrobe which should cost her an amount close to what is required to perform a marriage function in itself.
How do you expect a movie to be amazing with all these inconsistencies? The point is that a movie is supposed to be mesmerizing and it allows the director to provide some escapist entertainment. I am not against masala movies or regular candy floss stuff, but the point is that this movie seems to be a candy floss which is prepared with more salt than sugar.
The story line is simple that Raj malhotra (Shahid) is an out of the work architect who is looking for the big break. By chance and fate he comes to believe that every time Vidya Balan is around, he seems to hit the right note and get a home run. He is preparing to build a mall for a contractor (Om Puri) and the problem is that it is the point of dispute for Vidya who is out to save a community center at the expense of the mall.
The problem with this movie that it is very much predictable. When a scene pops up, you know what will happen in the next frame and worse, you can even guess the dialogues. The jokes are ok to laugh at that moment, but once you are out of the theatre you don’t even remember what you laughed for. Well...in that case, I should say that it was not a KILLER stuff unlike other comedies which make you gag yourself.
Shahid Kapur in many scenes tries to be ShahRukh. He has developed some nice bulging muscles and the costume designer favors him by dressing him up in nice suits and biceps revealing shirts. His comic timing is ok and he does a decent job. The scene where he was good was the monologue where he explains Vidya about his ambition and the last scene where he explains about consumerism and human welfare. To be frank, as the end credits rolled out, the only thing that really impressed me and which I remembered was the last scene where he makes a nice emotional speech.
Vidya Balan has a hackneyed role. Neither she looks appealing (in fact one girl behind my seat said she looked HUGE) and nor she has much scope to perform. To top it all her costumes are horrendous and there is NO chemistry between her and Shahid. The rest of the cast as Om Puri, Juhi Chawla (over the top but cute) and Vishal malhotra do a decent job. Perhaps the best surprise was provided by Boman Irani as the 'waving uncle' character and it was a nice (and only good one) twist indeed.
The Ai Pappi song was foot tapping while the rest were just ordinary types. Better luck next time Pritam! Now coming to the director. Aziz Mirza usually is identified with ordinary man's stories and I guess he too gave in to the NRI movie brigade. And the comedy too was way thanda compared to his other movies.
Maybe you may feel that I am too harsh and maybe I am, but I am so because the cast promised so much and delivers so little. Maybe what they needed was Konnection (or whatever it is) with some good writers instead of having relied on their Kismat to see them through.
Find below the song of the moment (will try to have one in every post henceforth).
In a world filled with mayhem, ear-shattering beats and tongue and nose touching each other (naaka mukka :P), I am glad that someone decided to churn out a song which just required your ears & senses open and eyes closed. Thanks James Vansathan!!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
As Jai and Aditi hopped on to his Red Wagon-R, he switched on the A/C as the car rolled out of the Fame Adlabs theatre in Mumbai.
Aditi: Jai. What is it? You didn't like the movie?
Both remain silent for some time. Jai turns the radio on.
"And now we will listen to the hit rocking number from the movie Jaane Tu....Ya Jaane Na. Keep listening."
The song Jaane Tu Meri kya hai plays hauntingly as Jai and Aditi remain silent. They listen to every word of it amidst the busily constantly honking Mumbai traffic. It seemed as if someone had written it keeping them in their mind.
Instead of steering into the read leading to Andheri West, Jai steers the car to the Chowpatty beach with Aditi not complaining as if it didn't bother her. After parking the car, Jai walks out and sits on the bonnet of the car. Aditi walks out calmly and sits next to him.
Jai: Do you realize that our college folks will make pair us and drive us nuts after they see the movie?
They hug each other and don't speak a word for quite sometime. The radio DJ starts playing Tum Bin Bataaye as if he is playing cupid for them.
P.S: Am yet to see the this movie :-)