Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hope and little Sugar

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."
- Tagore

Its going to be a new year. Life might not be as kind as this kid's innocent and mischievous smile.

But what the heck.....Gear Up!!!!!!!!

Life is calling. Live life zestfully...as if there is no tomorrow.

Happy new year. :)

Monday, December 22, 2008

Look, who’s talking?

Him - "Can you bring me some water please?" (Thinks "Damn. Why does this guy Dravid playing so slowly even in highlights?")

Her - "Yeah. Just a minute." (Thinks "Idiot! Can't even get up from his place and fetch water.")

Him (after 2 minutes) - "Hey. I asked for water 10 minutes before". (Ha! How lazy and unresponsive people are!)

Her - "It's been just 2 minutes. Done exaggerate." (Either way your TV time is screwed after 10 mins.)

Him - "Damn. This guy is so slow." (Oops. Another 10 mins and she will be glued to the saas-bahu-pati shit.)

Her - (As if he is like Roadrunner. Don't think he even played street cricket. All Indian men are the same. Score Ducks on field and turn expert commentators at home.)

Him - (What the heck! I will get water myself.) (Gets bottle from the fridge in the kitchen.)

Her - "I was going to bring water for you." (Good. Maybe I should regularly follow this strategy regularly.)

Him - "Yeah. I know." (My parents pierced my ears when I was 2 years old.) "I just did not want to disturb you." (How about some flattery eh?)

Her - "Hee hee. So sweet" (Dude! Mine too were pierced when I was 1. So just stop bluffing.).

Him - "You want remote so that you can watch Ms. Ekta Kapur's rona-dhona show?" (Either way this guy Dravid is a bore. Atleast I can get to watch some nice chicks in the serial.)

Her - "No its fine. You hardly get time to watch match. Enjoy it today." (Ha! I know what's on your mind. I can live with the re-telecast episode tomorrow.)

Him - "So nice of you. But it's seriously ok. You can go ahead." (Oh C'mon! Just say yes)

Her - "It's ok. You enjoy." (Well...you are caught and bowled honey.)

Him - "Ok. Then I will switch over to the news." (Oops. Am I in the wrong house? Or am I with the wrong Woman?)

Her - "Whatever you like." (Oh God! How many times do men have to watch news in a day and give the same reaction when they play the same news?)

Him - "Oh Damn! Sensex down still? Stupid Americans." (Oops. What will happen to my shares?)

Her - (See what I am talking about? The sensex is down for so long and still he gives the same reaction every time he sees it. Men!!!!).

Him - "Ok. You can enjoy your serial." (Atleast this is better than self-blood-pressure-raising news.)

Her - (after watching for 5 mins) "Oh God! Savitri's sister ran away? What a disgrace." (Oh God! Why test Savitri behen so much?)

Him - (smiles) (See this? She feels for her as if Savitri was her own sister. Why do women get so much attached to their serial characters? Women!!!!)

Her - (Looks at their kid laying down eyes open in the mattress) "Why is JuJu not sleeping today?" (Oh God! Not the Doctor!!)

Him - "Really? It's close to 10. He must be asleep now." (Oops! Not the Doctor)

Theirs - "Ga Ga Ga" (Hey!!! Go back to your business people. What do you think I am? Some freak show?)

Her - "He seems to have lost some weight, Isn't it?" (Must feed him more Farex from tomorrow)

Him - "Yeah. We need to feed him more." ( I must stop eating his Farex when I feed him from tomorrow.)

Theirs – "Gi Gi Gi" (Wow. These people are really worried. Let me try it some other way). (Starts wailing).

Him - "What the hell happened? Why is he crying suddenly?" (Oh Damn! Was I so annoying as well in my childhood?)

Her - "I donno. Maybe he is hungry. I will bring some milk for him." (Oh God. Now what?)

Theirs - (As they leave, he stops wailing) (Wow. This works. Maybe I should try it often.)

Her - "Ju Ju Ju Ju Ju! Eat this Farex my baby" (Hope he falls asleep for some time.)

Him - (Ah...the sweet smell and taste of Farex. Seriously, why can't grown-ups eat farex?)

Theirs - (blinks) (Oh ho! Seems this one backfired!!!!!)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Not a Bed Time Story

Guddu - "Tell me a story."

Munna - "Enough stories Guddu. Go to bed. Today is Wednesday and not Friday. You have to go to school tomorrow. It's already way past your bed time."

Guddu - "No. I will sleep only if you tell me a story."

Munna - "Do you know that rest of the 6 year old kids in this colony listen to their parents and elders?"

Guddu - "Do you know that the rest of the 6 year kids get their share of bed-time stories and then go to bed? Being elder to me by 4 years and with baba not around, you can very well take the responsibility. What say?"

Munna - You almost talk like grown-ups.

Guddu – Don't divert Bhaiyya. Tell no.

Munna - What story do you want? Ramayan? Chacha Chaudhry? Shaktimaan?

Guddu - Tell me about our Mother.

Munna - How many times you want to listen to that? I have told you that like some hundreds of times.

Guddu - So what? I am prepared to listen for another thousand times. Won't you do this for your cute little sister?

Munna - (sighs) What do you want to listen? The story of how she married Baba? Or how she made me wear Baba's old dress which was loose and all baggy? Or how she protected you from the neighbor's kid?

Guddu - Anything you like Bhaiyya. I just want a story.

Munna - Ok. Then here we go. But promise me that you will sleep after listening to this story.

Guddu - Promise. Mother Promise.

Munna - It was 12 years ago when they first met. Baba used to work in Murari kaka's shop and Ma used to live in the nearby colony. She used to come to the shop to buy groceries.

Guddu - Baba liked Ma from the beginning?

Munna - You have asked me this question so many times. Don't you know the answer?

Guddu - I just want to listen it from you Bhaiyya.

Munna - Yeah. Ma was so beautiful. She had the subtle beauty. It was like that of a morning mist transformed into a raindrop hanging on to the petals of the hibiscus flower. She had the smile of angels. Murari Kaka used to say that she was called "Colony's Madhuri Dixit."

Guddu - Do I look as cute as her?

Munna - (pauses) Yes Guddu. You inherited Ma's healing smile and charming personality.

Guddu - So then Baba told her or kept his love to himself?

Munna - Baba was afraid. Ma had not spoken much to him and they used to speak with eye-gestures.

Guddu - And then Baba told her one day.

Munna – Don't rush Guddu. I am getting there (ruffles her hair).

Guddu - I love that part when he screws it up.

Munna - Ok Ok. I will tell that. One day, he decides to tell her and so has "I Love You" written in Hindi in the news paper that Ma comes to receive every day.

Guddu - And the newspaper is taken by Grandma that day. Haa haa haa (starts laughing).

Munna - You know everything. Ok. Let me then go to bed.

Guddu - OK OK. I won't interrupt. You tell it.

Munna – That's better (winks). And then instead of Ma, Grandma comes in and takes the newspaper. Since Baba is not around, the newspaper is handed over to Grandma by Murari Kaka. Its just Baba's good fate that the news paper lands in Ma's hands.

Guddu - And then Grandma comes and shouts at Baba.

Munna – Yeah, but surprisingly Ma is very strong. She has also liked Baba and is very strong about that.

Guddu - And hence, they get married at Vaishno Devi temple. That's why I am named Vaishnavi. (smiles) But why do all of you call me Guddu?

Munna – That's because when Ma saw you for the first time, she said "Gudiya Jaisi dikhti hai" (you look like a doll) and hence we call you Guddu. (Ruffles her hair again)

Guddu - You forgot to tell that those were Ma's last words.


There is an awkward silence between them. Munna being the only one who had seen his mom, he could tell her anything about their Mother and she would believe him. It's not as if she would believe it, but it's because she did not have much choice.


Guddu - Bhaiyya. Can I ask something?

Munna - Yes Guddu.

Guddu - Ma left us in the government hospital after giving birth to me. Baba won't leave us no?

Munna - (hugs Guddu) Don't be stupid Guddu. It's just that Baba is late today. See, now he doesn't work at the shop. He is earning all by himself. It is to give a better life for us. To make us happy and help us study in a bigger school.

Guddu - I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to live without you and Baba. (Starts crying)

Munna – Don't cry Guddu. It's ok. Nothing will happen.


Just then, their neighbor Ganpat enters.

Ganpat - Munna. Did you watch the news today? Or say now about 30 mins before?

Munna - No. Raju Bhaiyya has gone out. And we all watch news at his house when he is there. Anything important?

Ganpat - (looks at Munna and Guddu) There was a shooting incident shown on TV.

Munna - (becomes terrified) Where?

Ganpat - (hesitantly) Near CST....where your Baba sells vada paav.

Munna – (gets terrified) What should we do?

Ganpat – It's been like an hour. We should go there and check....if he is there...or not.


Guddu starts crying. Munna fights back his tears.

Munna - Guddu. Promise me something. Don't cry. Nothing must have happened to our Baba.

Guddu - (wails loudly) I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to be here.

Munna – Don't worry. It will be all right. It will be all right. (pauses) Lets go Ganpat Bhaiyya.


Munna carries Guddu to Ganpat's house. In the TV news, flash news runs about the Taj Hotel bombing and a reporter is running helter shelter. CST Gunfire incident runs in the scroll below. The Common Man is not even bothered to be covered and the whole incident is hyped as if Page-3 celebrities and socialites are the only ones running the country. The cruel fact is that we live in a society which suffers from 'Chalta hai' attitude. The Common man is the spot of limelight only during the elections, otherwise for which he can die in train blasts, bomb-blasts, caste or state riots, landslides, accidents, lack of medical attention….which is pretty much to say is not a NATURAL CAUSE OF DEATH. At the end of the day or a week later, when this incident is buried amidst a new scandal or blasts, we celebrate and hail the 'Spirit of Mumbai'. Hypocrisy at its best!!!!!!!!


Munna watches the news and walks with Ganpat in search of his father. He is not sure if while returning, will he walk with him or will be carrying him on his shoulders….in pieces. He walks with lots of questions, lots of prayers, lots of anger…….and very little hope.

Monday, December 01, 2008

10. Honey, I blew myself!!!!!!!

Godzilla was right. Size does matter. But the hard part is that the tongue refuses to remain tied. Most of us give in to our taste buds and then look at ourselves in the mirror with utter disgust. But women....well...as usual they are QUITE obsessed with weight.

Your wife/GF could be akin to the zero-sized Ileana/Kareena kapur or be as huge as the mothership in 'Independence Day', but irrespective of that, women think that they are fat. Don't ask me why, but they do.

So the symptoms of this situation are very very simple. It begins almost casually while you could be watching TV or when youare dressing up to leave for some function. As usual, being lazy stupid men, we are ready in 10 minutes with an already 15 times worn pant and a oh-was-it-ever-ironed-before wondering shirt. On the flipside she might be getting ready in 30 mins(minimum). So you are there when she is dressing up wondering if it would ever get over and she is looking very gravely at the mirror as if she has seen the ghost in Exorcist or any Indian cinema heroine sans make-up.

All of a sudden she decides to hand over your Moment of Truth. "Honey, do I look fat?"

Now the normal way to make her happy is actually quite simple. You have to radiate an instant stupid smile like the Happy-Dent White guy and say "You are so fit that you should be on Maxim's list of Hottest woman in the world."

She would immediately laugh and shrug, hit you on your arms with a false anger and say "Liar" and turn away. But in those 5-10 seconds, she would picture herself to be on Maxim's cover with the same tag you blurted and your small stamp-sized picture pasted in the corner with the caption "I am the lucky bastard!".

Now how do we screw it up? I know you might not be very interested in this part, but trust me, this is bound to happen whether you like it or not. Its actually even simpler. There are 2 ways to do it.

You can just give a bewildered look that men usually give when they are on the verge of nature's call and are unable to find a loo. Just get back to normal after 10 seconds and say "No honey" and make sure your voice is so fake that a piano could fall on you. And if you want to give an impression as if Raja Harishchandra and you were underwear buddies, you can say "Hmm....not much honey. This is just baby fat. I would call you cute and chubby." I am not sure if you would be reciting the third line in normal tone if you survive her wrath after the first 2 lines.

Once you finish this excercise successfully, you are bound to get a call on your mobile which could go like like "Hi! You have just successfully screwed up your relationship. Congrats...if you are still listening...alive".