10. Honey, I blew myself!!!!!!!

Godzilla was right. Size does matter. But the hard part is that the tongue refuses to remain tied. Most of us give in to our taste buds and then look at ourselves in the mirror with utter disgust. But women....well...as usual they are QUITE obsessed with weight.

Your wife/GF could be akin to the zero-sized Ileana/Kareena kapur or be as huge as the mothership in 'Independence Day', but irrespective of that, women think that they are fat. Don't ask me why, but they do.

So the symptoms of this situation are very very simple. It begins almost casually while you could be watching TV or when youare dressing up to leave for some function. As usual, being lazy stupid men, we are ready in 10 minutes with an already 15 times worn pant and a oh-was-it-ever-ironed-before wondering shirt. On the flipside she might be getting ready in 30 mins(minimum). So you are there when she is dressing up wondering if it would ever get over and she is looking very gravely at the mirror as if she has seen the ghost in Exorcist or any Indian cinema heroine sans make-up.

All of a sudden she decides to hand over your Moment of Truth. "Honey, do I look fat?"

Now the normal way to make her happy is actually quite simple. You have to radiate an instant stupid smile like the Happy-Dent White guy and say "You are so fit that you should be on Maxim's list of Hottest woman in the world."

She would immediately laugh and shrug, hit you on your arms with a false anger and say "Liar" and turn away. But in those 5-10 seconds, she would picture herself to be on Maxim's cover with the same tag you blurted and your small stamp-sized picture pasted in the corner with the caption "I am the lucky bastard!".

Now how do we screw it up? I know you might not be very interested in this part, but trust me, this is bound to happen whether you like it or not. Its actually even simpler. There are 2 ways to do it.

You can just give a bewildered look that men usually give when they are on the verge of nature's call and are unable to find a loo. Just get back to normal after 10 seconds and say "No honey" and make sure your voice is so fake that a piano could fall on you. And if you want to give an impression as if Raja Harishchandra and you were underwear buddies, you can say "Hmm....not much honey. This is just baby fat. I would call you cute and chubby." I am not sure if you would be reciting the third line in normal tone if you survive her wrath after the first 2 lines.

Once you finish this excercise successfully, you are bound to get a call on your mobile which could go like like "Hi! You have just successfully screwed up your relationship. Congrats...if you are still listening...alive".

How to lose a girl in 10 ways? - Preview

Hi there. So I do seem to have your attention (assuming that you are reading), eh?

You took the bait didn't you? Ok Ok. Stop looking like a baby who has just urinated in his diapers.

I know what you are thinking. Usually when people read titles like "candle in the dark" or "How to screw politicians" and they are like "Oh man...not again". Seriously. After all the hard work we do, we want to be entertained. And it's not wrong because that's what everyone feels they are entitled to.

But for arguments sake, what would you think if I told you that I have this title just to retain your interest till this point? Ah....you feel as if I am playing with our mind.

The point is that after months of status reports, MOMs, mails etc, I think I might have lost my flair for language. Worse case, if I do try to write, I might end up sounding like Bush. And seriously, no sane man wants to sound like him. So this post might be on the irregular side with an informal approach and face-to-face talk.

So why this topic? Look, first, it's interesting. Boys would be like "Show us tips to hook them mate. Either way we don't need your advice to screw it up." and girls would be like "Huh. Even god and our parents don't understand how we work. Who the hell is this guy to say he understands us?"

But still, you might stick just for the heck of it. Come on, if you had been disinterested you would have decided to shift your mouse to the right handed corner of screen and bring everything to rest in peace. Boys stick to know if what I say is in line with their screwed up affairs and girls want to know if these are the only available ways.

Now what is this about?

This is a very stupid collection of 10 steps which is the best effective way to end your courtship with possibly ANY girl on earth. Well, we know that there are thousands of them, but I am just giving you a hint of some from my perspective. Either way, you are reading and you can share your amazing experiences as well and enlighten your fellow human beings.

Now you wonder why the hell I am writing this? What is my expertise in this area? I remember an old quote which says "Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make all of them yourself".

In effect, this is a compilation of some errors I have seen others make and then wish they could go back in time. It's like the film critics, you know. All the film critics are so good at criticizing and shredding it to pieces and stuff, but ask them to direct one for the audience (remember Khalid Mehmood?) and they are much worse duds. Either way, I know you buggers are not going to believe me and think that this is something I have gone through. Suit yourself!!!!

This would be an irregular series and will be posted from time to time depending on my workload and mood (see, I can throw tantrums!). So I will start posting the first one before coming Sunday (30-11-08).

My fellow professionals will understand how dangerous it is to commit to a delivery date and live to see it done :).

How to lose friends and annoy people?

It is always good to have nice people around at our work place. And since most of us are bound to hang around our work place for more than half of our day, we expect it to be pleasant and funfilled. No offence.

But well...thats not the case everytime. Every office has its own share of people who are...hmm...how do I put it...like a pain in the butt. Havent we all come across people who we voraciously strangle, gag, kick, or hit in our dreams (not much choice)? There are people whom you dont even want to see eye-to-eye in your office and the worse case as per Murphy's law is that they are seated very next to you.

There is this lady who works at my client place. She is the epitome of grace and womanhood. Her voice is like a river flowing through the jungle and her smile can even bring back the dead from life. She is like the lifeline of our office and her mere presence is as priceless as Bindra's one gold for a billion people.

Heck....how I wish this was true?

Almost every office in TN is bound to have some of these characters - 

advice ambujam - Who keeps nagging

aruvai arumugam - Name says it all 

kaipulla - who makes vetti banda

kattadurai - frequently makes empty challenges 

Snake Babu - double crosser  

Revolver Reeta - who contantly morachifies

Minor Koonju - whats there to explain?

Gossip Geetha - Gossip monger

I donno under which category this dignified lady should be categorized as she almost falls under everyone one of the above mentioned namesakes.

Added to that is the share of the "Peter"s and "Mary"s who talk in a glorified american accent as if we get to work with George Bush, when the reality is that we are in the entertaining company of Govindasamy or Gandhimathi. You almost feel tempted to get up from your seat, walk to them and say "SHUT THE F**K UP". The best part is that when such people happen to meet some 'locals' and unroll their barrage of Websters dictionary idioms with fake accent. You almost wish the locals could just sneer and mouth "aiya...gammunu kada kayida".

The lady I am here to mention about is a perfectly fit recepient of the "annoying person" of the world award. Have you noticed the kreeechhhhh sound that erupts when you rub a chalk against the balckboard? Oh...u r getting headache just thinking about it? Well...I get to listen to it for almost 10 odd hours a day. The time she is not talking, her keyboard types very very fast. 

No no..she is not working. But chatting with her BF or whoever it is and almost kills the keyboard in the process. I swear I even saw the letter keys on the keyboard move on its own couple of times trying to run away from her. In addition to this, she has awesome linguistic abilities. She speaks to chinese, singaporeans and scottish with their respective accent...except...that they all are interlaced with huge exaggerated bouts of "oooooooo", "laaaaaaa", "nooooooo" and so on.

Laden with 'expert' make up that is usually reserved for the ghosts in Ramsey brothers film, you can pretty much imagine the amazing sight I have to subject myself to on every other working day. Believe me, when she talks (or should I say SHOUTS) over the phone, we have to close our ears with earphones, cotton or whatever we get in our hands. Trust me, if the Client were to have count and deduct the charges for the time she spends over company phone gossiping with her whacky group, she would be surely running on negative balance.

Now, how many of you share some similar experience as such at your work place or college?

They say that music is the best medicine. And nothing comes close to Ilayaraja's soothing BGM as in this video. Hope u love this as well :)