Monday, December 01, 2008

10. Honey, I blew myself!!!!!!!

Godzilla was right. Size does matter. But the hard part is that the tongue refuses to remain tied. Most of us give in to our taste buds and then look at ourselves in the mirror with utter disgust. But usual they are QUITE obsessed with weight.

Your wife/GF could be akin to the zero-sized Ileana/Kareena kapur or be as huge as the mothership in 'Independence Day', but irrespective of that, women think that they are fat. Don't ask me why, but they do.

So the symptoms of this situation are very very simple. It begins almost casually while you could be watching TV or when youare dressing up to leave for some function. As usual, being lazy stupid men, we are ready in 10 minutes with an already 15 times worn pant and a oh-was-it-ever-ironed-before wondering shirt. On the flipside she might be getting ready in 30 mins(minimum). So you are there when she is dressing up wondering if it would ever get over and she is looking very gravely at the mirror as if she has seen the ghost in Exorcist or any Indian cinema heroine sans make-up.

All of a sudden she decides to hand over your Moment of Truth. "Honey, do I look fat?"

Now the normal way to make her happy is actually quite simple. You have to radiate an instant stupid smile like the Happy-Dent White guy and say "You are so fit that you should be on Maxim's list of Hottest woman in the world."

She would immediately laugh and shrug, hit you on your arms with a false anger and say "Liar" and turn away. But in those 5-10 seconds, she would picture herself to be on Maxim's cover with the same tag you blurted and your small stamp-sized picture pasted in the corner with the caption "I am the lucky bastard!".

Now how do we screw it up? I know you might not be very interested in this part, but trust me, this is bound to happen whether you like it or not. Its actually even simpler. There are 2 ways to do it.

You can just give a bewildered look that men usually give when they are on the verge of nature's call and are unable to find a loo. Just get back to normal after 10 seconds and say "No honey" and make sure your voice is so fake that a piano could fall on you. And if you want to give an impression as if Raja Harishchandra and you were underwear buddies, you can say "Hmm....not much honey. This is just baby fat. I would call you cute and chubby." I am not sure if you would be reciting the third line in normal tone if you survive her wrath after the first 2 lines.

Once you finish this excercise successfully, you are bound to get a call on your mobile which could go like like "Hi! You have just successfully screwed up your relationship. Congrats...if you are still listening...alive".


SKM said...

Do women ask these Qs still? I don't think so.Women, too have changed for the good.To save you "MEN", we've stopped asking this Question.Now you have left with no choice.;)

gils said...

F.R.I.E.N.D.S la oru episodela ross n rachel wl teach chandler all these things :D this post reminds me of that...irunthalum...adi romba balamo??

Ramya said...

I'm sure the wrath is earned already!
Anyways, the easier way out might be - "No matter how pleasantly plump you be, I'll love you always!"

Oh wait, that might not digest too well either.
Good luck! :)

Dimplicious said...

Hmmm..experience paesudho!!I mean,other's experience??;)to be on a safer side la,unga previous post laye solliteenga-
"Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make all of them yourself".

n yeah well one of ma guy fren came up wid a diff answer too!!!He was lyk if she's fat,I'll tell her she luks lyk a teddy bear and if she's thin,I'll tell her she luks lyk a barbie doll!!Wud that work actually??

KK said...

Well in my case this is how it goes...

W: Have I put on weight?
M: Ofcourse, what doubt in that?
W: No, I am not fat, you are fat.
M: Kewl, works good for me :)

Conversation finshes there and this topic seldom comes back :)

Harish said...

The last line nailed it :)

kandupidichuteengala :P

Yappa...ippadi kooda sollalamo

Wow. Another one. See...its easy to get so many ideas now :P

Uhum....neenga villanagamaana aalu. Unga idea konjam dangerous a daan irukku :P

usha said...

so am I the only one who is worried of being thin? ;) SKM sonna madhiri, we don't ask if we are fat - it stops with "I look so ugly today" ;)