The Desperate Housewife

He: "I can't believe we spent 400 bucks on this useless piece of trash."

She: "Told ya. After all this guy made Dhoom. You can't expect him to turn out a Dark Knight for heaven's sake."

He: Yeah, I know. But then, what was I supposed to do? After all, we need to do something on Friday evening.

She: Well, for starters you could have taken my suggestion.

He: And what would that be? End up with something like Maama Mia or Aaja Nachle? Gosh, they had so many songs like Hum aapke hain kaun.

She: Wow. You remember it? I thought you dozed off midway through the movie.

He: I would have for the entire 2 hours, if you were not constantly nudging me and asking me to look at Madhuri's dress, costumes and glowing skin.

She: You didn't hear my suggestion yet.

He: You don't forget, do you? So what was your Friday bailout plan?

She: Simple. Order a sumptuous Pizza from Pizza hut and play the "Jab We Met" DVD on our home theatre system.

He: Didn't we do that previous month on some Friday?

She: You can thank me my dear husband. You were planning to watch 'Mission Istanbul'.

He: Damn! You remember everything. I donno why do these idiots keep making such stupid trash.

She: Because there are idiots like you who are prepared to pay and watch it. And there are innocent people like me who have to accompany without choice.

He: Look. What am I supposed to do? After all the boring work I do for 5 days in a week, I need some outlet.

She: Outlet? Sounds like you need some chimney fixed above your head.

He: No. Like, I need to see few explosions, few thrills, car chases, double-crossing, Villains getting bashed. You know that I can't do these in my real life for sure. Atleast lemme watch someone else do it.

She: Not late you know. I can atleast help you with the 'getting bashed up' part.

He: Looks like you have some plans of your own.

She: You betcha!

He: Now you sound like Sarah Palin.

She: I am not that dumb yet honey.

He: God, we need to travel so far back to home. Damn you Imran Khan!

She: Stop cursing him. He was okay. Besides, you got your fill. What do you care about?

He: What fill? There were hardly any thrills in the movie.

She: You could not take your eyes off Minisha's cleavage.

He: As if I designed her costumes. She comes half naked for the whole movie. What am I supposed to do? Cover my eyes like kids?

She: Like you did when you went to Rangeela ?

He: How do you know that?

She: Your mom told me.

He: See. I have been such a good kid back then.

She: Don't bluff boss. She saw you watching Urmila's non-existent dress through the gap of your fingers while you maintained your act of being 'holier-than-thou'.

He: Oops! Should I call it busted?

She: So tell me? You could not stop staring right?

He: Look. It was unintentional. I went to watch an action movie. What can I do if a chick decides to skip wearing dress and the director turns out to be a sleazy bugger?

She: Quite right. Do you know that the couple next to us was sitting with their arms intertwined?

He: You should have told me. I would have suggested few good surgeons to consult.

She: Haa haa haa. Very funny. You were so romantic before marriage.

He: (mutters) next time, I should check for individual seats.

She: What?

He: Nothing. Next time, you sit on my lap and I will feed you an ice-cream.

She: You dont get it do you? You think that buying me a 5000 Rs Necklace or a costly sari or expensive Burberry perfume is going to compensate for the time I don't get to spend with you?

He: You tell me, what to do?

She: That's the point. There is little joy in getting things that I ask for. Greater joy lies in getting the unsaid wish list. For me...... and you.

Both remain silent for another 30 mins. They reach their house and she opens the door and almost slams it.

As she enters, she is astonished to find a huge portrait of theirs in the hall.

She looks at him and is at loss for words.

He: I remembered you looking at the portrait that day in the photo studio. Thought it would be a nice surprise.

She: But how did you do it?

He: Let's keep that a secret. Otherwise I can't do something like some other time.

She: Tell No. Pleaseeeeeeeeee.

He: (takes her in his arms and whispers) Women and secret. They never go together.

Can we leave?

She: Darling. How is this color? (Shows a saree)

He: You like it?

She: You tell me if you like it first.

He: Yeah. Looks kind of good.

She: Ok. We will see another one.

He: What? You don’t like this?

She: You know something? You have got a horrible color sense.

He: Wow. That’s very comforting.

She: How can you like that color? Look at it. It’s orange with green border.

He: So what? It would go nice with your color.

She: You know why I asked you? Because always seem to like colors which I don’t go good with me.

He: Well. Even the army selection test for color blindness seems better now.

She: (after 20 minutes of saree checking) Honey. Are you bored?

he: Oh....actually no. I am enjoying this whole attention thing?

She: What attention thing?

He: Look around dear. I am the only male in this whole shop. So every other female is staring at me. What say?

She: (pointing to a guy at a corner) What about him?

He: Let me guess. Isn’t he paid to be here?

She: And him? (another guy at another corner)

He: He robs me. Because he is the friggin owner. He collects money from me and gets to be with all the hot chicks in the shop and the ones who come here to shop. What do you call that?

She: So you think that the chicks in this shop are hot?

He: (realizing that its gone other way) Well..you see....I was presenting you his perspective.

She: And that is?

He: Like...he finds these chicks hot. Obviously you know my taste in woman.

She: You like Tanushree Datta and Devayani.

He: I NEVER liked Devayani. I mean who in the world finds Devayani hot...except of course her husband?

She: Your friend said that you had a notebook with her photo in the front.

He: I also had a notebook with Ajit’s photo on it. What does that prove?

She: Hee hee...which means you think Tanushree is hot?

He: Tense Tense dear.

She: What tense?

He: Use past tense. It is THOUGHT and not THINK. That was when I was single.

She: Hmmm. So you like this color? (shows another saree)

He: (looking bored) Don’t bother. Either way you won’t like it.

She: You seem so fruity. Why is that?

He: We have been here for what...like 2 hours? How many sarees have you selected? Let me guess.....how about zero?

She: We women take time. Haven’t you gone out with your mom to buy saree?

He: That fate was reserved for my poor dad. He would practically look like a sheep walking to the slaughter house when accompanying her to the saree shop.

She: Hmmm...so you feel the same way?

He: No No. I am talking about my dad. It’s ok. Do you realize that as of now we men are the weaker sex and not you?

She: Why is that?

He: See around. You will find so many shops that sell stuff for women. Saree shops, Cosmetic shops, beauty parlors, Chudidaar shops. Brands like L’oreal and Garnier which are like stuff that only Ambanis and Birlas can afford. In addition to that you can wear jeans and T-shirt also which seemed to the only thing that we men could tag along with.

She: So what is that my poor husband is trying to prove?

He: That you have so many choices and we have none. The only thing you have spared us are the useless and step-and-trip dhotis and devadas kurtas.

She: You forgot something. We have a version of Dhoti and we call it skirt and I think you must be living in mars because you forgot that we also wear Kurtis.

He: Hmmm…lucky you. So you like this?

She: Actually I like that one (points to another saree which a women nearby is examining)

He: Tell me something? Why do you women always seem to pick clothes that some other women seem to like?

She: That is totally false. Its’ not like that.

He: Ok. Let me refresh your memory cells. Remember what happened one month before? You almost grabbed the saree that the women next to us selected and went to counter. The women looked at you as if she was witnessing us landing from spaceship. Thank god that they had a spare saree of the same color and they gave one to her.

She: See. The matter was resolved.

He: Imagine if they had run out of stocks. Then we would have had a tug-of-war with that woman and her poor husband on one side of the saree and you and me on the other.

She: I know we would win. My husband is strongest.

He: You seem to like me now. Wait a minute....is this saree costly? That’s why you are hitting on me?

She: Nothing that you can’t afford (whispers price in his ears).

He: (looking bewildered) ok. It’s ok if it makes you happy. Can we go now to the counter?

She: You forgot something.

He: What now?

She: I have to collect another to go to my friend Shamili's Bday.

He almost faints as she walks to select another saree.

The missing piece

He: "You are really dumb."

She: "It took you one year odd to discover this truth?"

He: "Haa haa...very funny. I am referring to your idea for the weekend."

She: "Whats wrong with this? Isn’t this fun?"

He: "You call this fun? I guess this problem is hereditary."

She: "What do you mean?"

He: Your dad told me that he liked Vaanathai pola.

She: What’s wrong with that?

He: Oh c’mon. You believe that such people exist on earth who carry yellow colored bags with 10 bananas filled in them, wearing overgrown shirts, sporting scale sized moustache, crying at the drop of a hat and with la-la-la background thrown up at every possible emotional instance.

She: Ok Mr. Steven Spielberg's aunt's cousin. Just bcoz you have been born and bred on Hollywood movies doesn’t mean that the rest of the fraternity watches aliens, Armageddon and save-the-world shit.

He: Agreed. But c’mon...not vaanathai pola please.

She: Remember that you liked Yaaradi Nee Mohini?

He: Hey...atleast there was Nayanthara on screen to distract me.

She: Oho. That’s why you fought and bought over those 200 Rs ticket to go and droll over Ms. Mallu?

He: (trying to shift gears) ok leave that. Why do we need to do this on a weekend?

She: What’s wrong with this?

He: WHATS WRONG WITH THIS? Tell me what is RIGHT with this.

She: It’s a 1000 piece puzzle. It would be fun solving it.

He: Fun? A 1000 piece puzzle?

She: Yeah. Its food for brain. Its timepass. Its team work. What else you want?

He: We could have gone for bowling. Why this stupid puzzle?

She: B’coz of you.

He: Me

She: Yep. You suck at bowling.

He: Excuse me. I am good at bowling.

She: The last time we played, I beat you by 100 points.

He: So what? Admitted you are little better than me.

She: Point is I scored 120 and you scored 20.

He: Hey, everybody has a bad day. We could have gone to Spencers or Citi Center or Beach.

She: Ok. You hate when someone stares at me at Spencer or Citi Center.

He: Blame me for that?

She: And you are one uncontrollable kid at beach.

He: Why is that?

She: Bcoz when you see the waves, you run and dive into the water and become wet like pigs.

He: I always like beach water.

She: I hope you were not expecting Pamela Anderson to come running in her bathing suit in super slow motion to come and save you.

He: No need. I have you.

She: I don’t know to swim.

He: But you can shout.

She: Ei…..Ok. Enough banter. Help me find this piece here. If we find this we are almost done.

He: Do you observe a similarity?

She: What? We are missing a piece of nose of a pig in a jungle.

He: Exactly (looks long at her pointed nose).

She: You you you…. dumbo. (She throws some pieces at him).

He: Hey hey...peace peace.

She: Neither you help and now you make fun of me as well.

He: You are stupid. You will solve this stupid puzzle and yell "yay"

She: So what?

He: I solved a huge puzzle of my life and I didnt even make a sound about it?

She: What are you talking about?

He: Yep.

She: How big was it?

He: (crawls slowly towards her) It is 5 feet 8 inches tall, weights 58 kilos, its lovely and beautiful and is the candy of my eye.

She: (whispers) Why suddenly so romantic?

He: Bcoz..(goes near her ears and whispers) You are not giving me the remote and I think I need to see India bat now.

They laugh and pay tug-of-war with the remote.

P.S.: Dedicated to Heidi who would be soon be having the bliss of playing tug-of-war with her hubby.

You, Me Aur Hum

He: Do you know where my socks are?
She: Must be inside your shoes. Now don’t ask me where your shoes are.
He: Got your sarcasm. Thanks for it. I am asking about my new pair of socks.
She: Why can’t you wear your old ones?
He: In this stinking weather? You want me to get kicked out of a job because of this? Imagine how weird it would be if my termination letter would read "Sacked due to smelly feet".
She: (giggling) Ok Ok Mr. Lifebuoy. You can find it in the top drawer of the cupboard.
He: Why do you always keep it there?
She: Obviously for you to find out.
He: Then why do you think I am looking for it.
She: Hmmm...lemme guess. Because you have a bad memory. Or maybe because you are a moron (smiles).
He: Yeah. At last you figured it out. Ever realized that that was the reason why I agreed to marry you?
She: Oh...is it so? And who was the one who was running behind with flowers and asking "Will you please say yes to your dad"?
He: Hmm....you see...they correctly said.
She: Said what?
He: Love is blind.
She: Smart of you to realize it so soon.
He: And what does the blind man get in return for his love? Sarcasm?
She: I thought you were oblivious to it.
He: I am what?
She: O-B-L-I-V-I-O-U-S
He: What does it mean?
She: It means you are unaware of it.
He: Why do you need to use such a heavy word? What do you think I am? Some Thesaurus included word processor? You could have said unaware?
She: Not my fault that your English knowledge is limited.
He: Ok Ms. I-am-Shakespeares-neice. Maybe you should have had a dictation test before approving me.
She: Wow!!! You are good at retaliation.
He: How do you think I cope up with you?
She: I thought you just loved me for the food I prepare.
He: That has become obvious by my paunch.
She: I am glad you acknowledge me of some sunshine in your life.
He: But thanks to your super sweet cooking I have to buy dresses every 6 months.
She: I never asked you to eat above the limit.
He: Blame yourself for making the tasty food.
She: Well...then so be it. Do you want me to cook good or not?
He: (goes near her) You are a culprit.
She: Why is that?
He: You know the secret and the quote.
She: Ahan. And what is it?
He: The royal way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
She: Is it really you or just that the chicken chops I made yesterday have sprung to life inside your stomach?
He: Hmmm....maybe both. What is it that you mix in your food that has made me your deewaana?
She: Pick your guess.
He: MDH Masala?
She: Uhummm
He: 777?
She: uhumm
He: I give up. You tell.
She: Budhdhu. Its love.
He: I knew it.
She: Then why didn’t you tell?
He: Wanted to hear it from the devil's mouth.
She: Seems you need some favour from me and that is why you are melting into an ice-cream.
He: You guessed it.
She: What is it?
He: (goes close to her ear and whispers) Do you remember where I kept my car keys?

They laugh and hug each other lovingly.

P.S: Dedicated to my darling pals Nithya and Sathya (whom you better know as Nandoo and Sat respectively) as they unite to become HUM on Dec 13. Here is wishing them all the happiness and love in the world :-)

Whenever Hum Mile

She: "Sorry. I am late."
He: "Do you realize that you say this almost every other day?"
She: "I said sorry. Duh"
He: "I beg the bus boy almost daily to stop it for you."
She: Don't worry. I will get him a new T Shirt for New Year as a favor.
He: You can't be serious can you?
She: Why? Did he speak bad words at you?
He: That's what has been missing. The look he gave...damn...I feel disgusted.
She (almost whispers): So what do you want me to do as a return favor?
He (whispers): It's actually quite simple.
She (huskily): What is it my darling bubblegum?
He (huskily): Come to bus stop atleast 2 minutes before for heavens sake.
She: Hmmmm...back to square one.
He: Why do you always come late?
She: I told you a 1000 times. I have to help mom make Tiffin for morning, lunch for my brother and dad and also get ready to come to office.
He: Why don't you have a maid servant at home? Is you dad so stingy (grins)?
She: You can't stop pulling my dad's legs can you?
He: Well..you are welcome to do the same to my dad.
She: hee hee...stop laughing. That was a bad joke.
He: Ok....easy tiger. So what did you eat?
She: Idly.
He: With?
She: My mom and brother.
He: haa haa...Very funny.
She: ok ok...chill. With milagai podi.
He: No chutney?
She: In all the morning rush, it is kinda hard.
He: God. Will you do the same after you marry me?
She: (pretends to think hard) Depends on how you mom helps me do the morning chores.
He: I will tell you now itself. I prefer idly with chutney.
She: And what if I decline to prepare chutney?
He: Well...Rupa is always there.
She: Who? That rat faced girl opposite your house?
He: You know that she has a crush on me.
She: If that twitch that’s slowly beginning to show by the side of your lips means a blush, then... (Drags her voice)
He: What will you do?
She: Haven't you heard in tamil "kolayum seyvaal paththini"
He: (moves back) Yappa. I am getting married to a very very violent girl.
She: Better you get that right Mr. Yaada Yaada.
He: Why is our conversation so banal and clichéd?
She: Huh. That's because the idiot in our heads have exhausted all the goody-goody words last night and are now suffering from what I call a talker's block.
He: Hehe! So, what about last night Darling?
She: Yeah right! It’s the telephone conversation we were having while you were busily looking out of your window into that Going-to-be-Ms.Universe Rupa's apartment.
Me: Oops. Game over :-(
She: Oho! So after these few months you can’t even continue a conversation with me for more than 2 mins huh?
He: Oi Sweet Cheeks! Look, you don’t get it. Let me explain.
She: Ah there you go again. The Choochpooch and the Blah blah's.
He: (moves closer and whispers) Honey, you know what? You are so hot I could book a room without heater in Switz for our honeymoon. What say?
She: (sarcastically laughs) Haha! So funny! And you know what? You are so sweet the ice caps there might just turn into Kucchi ice!
He: Damn! I thought of using those lines during our honeymoon. You stole it. :(
She: Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!
He: Ok ok. Peace. If you are so mad at me, why don't you return all my kisses?
She: !!!!!