Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The grass is always greener....

Warning: The text colors are done deliberately. Read and you will understand :-)


"Present Sir."


"Present Sir."

The attendance is over. Now I can go back to my primary activity...day dreaming in the class room. The advantage of your name starting with A is that you will be called first on the roll call and can sleep for the rest of the 5 to 10 minutes while the teacher wakes up the rest of the class. Disadvantage is....you do not have much luxury of time to realize that the attendance is on. God knows who invented class room, practical, exam and all this shit. Can’t they teach stuff in a way that students love and will remember for long? Even a person like me who is in Class 11 can realize this, then why cant these jerks who control education and are donkey years old can’t understand this plain simple fact? All they care is that students score marks. We score not because we love it you morons. It is due to the simple fact....that we are afraid.

Any mission is worthwhile when carried out with an aim to win, but look how parents instruct their kids. "You fail in this exam and I will break your bones." You slip and you will be reminded that you are on the verge of joining the bandwagon of losers in the family. How convenient!!!! Somehow I managed good marks in 10th standard, now I got to repeat the same bloody shit (worse excel it) in 12th. Hmmm...added misery is this mustache wont grow. The 10th standard girl Abhirami who lives next door said that she that she likes men with mustache. I have been shaving daily and still its growing as slow as Dravid's test innings. Damn hormones!!!!

"Anand. Can you collect the test papers?" said Mr. Paneerselvam

Oops...time for duty. I am the class representative. I so much envy our Maths teacher Mr. PannerSelvam or Paneer as we call him. He teaches Maths, looks smart, earns decent money, rides a Black Bullet (I love it), has a beautiful wife (my friend Avinash joined his tuition class to just catch her glimpse), a cute kid, will become Assistant HM by next year. Man...what else can someone want in life. He is like the complete man as they say in Raymonds. Hmmm...lucky guy!!!!!

"Here you go Sir." I handed him the answer sheets. Mission accomplished!!!!


Hmmm...56 papers. This means 56 different answers and approach to one problem. You give a problem from the book and they declare that SIR is so great and if you give them something out of syllabus for the grey cells, you are branded Mr Mogambo. I joined this profession for the love of teaching and imparting knowledge among my fellow men and look what they did to me? I have to be aggressive and aim for the Assistant HM post for next year. It means more money, perks and name. I am supposed to lobby for the system and not go outside it. Else I become an outlaw. I can survive as an outlaw if I was single, but what can a family man do? Maybe marriages are done with the purpose of mellowing a human down.

It is easy to solve a 3*3 matrix or a traveling salesman problem. What is hard?

1. To understand what a woman wants.

2. To change diapers for your kid.

Why do women always want men to explore and understand them and give them what they want rather than TELLING them what they want? They won’t. Why? Because they are women and they ought to be complex. The wedding anniversary date is a month away. I got to get her something surprising, wonderful, unique and costly. Added to this is the referee work I need to do between her and my mom. No wonder the Greek mathematicians and philosophers were gay. Had they been straight they would wasted at least half their lives understanding women.

"Can I have a minute with you Mr Selvam?" asked the headmaster Mr Raj.

"Sure. Go ahead."

Lucky fella our HM. Started his career here as Maths teacher and became HM 5 years before. He has made nice money and name out of this. He got a Central Government award from Delhi 1 month before. He has a college going daughter and a 12th standard studying boy. Wife has lot of property which means he can retire in peace next year. Either way he can earn always by taking tuitions. What a man!!!!

"Can you submit your part for the Annual school report by next week?"

"Sure Sir." I better hurry. Its time to rush to the 12th standard classroom.

One horseshit report after the other. Basically it means we are going to blow our trumpets to everyone that we are this blah blah that and so on. When the teachers and parents drive their kids so wild in this high pressure world, how can they not study? Where is the room for creativity? We all want Kalams, Verghese Kuriens and Amartya Sens. If we choke them with so much bookish knowledge how will they learn to think on their own? I can’t even talk about this as I also have been reduced to low levels as these scumbags. Somehow my wife's nephew in Delhi lobbied and got me the award. It means a career even after I retire from school.

They always say that "A scholar's child is idiot." They got it right at least when it came to the sons. Look at my daughter. She has graduated with top honors from her university and has got grants to study abroad. And look at my son. One reckless fella. Barely crossed 75% in 10th standard. I would have been happy if he were differently talented in any other way. Worse, he drinks, smokes and wastes my hard earned money. Being the only son he qualifies to be the apple of his mom’s eye and chillis in mine. Wonder what I am going to do to his life.

"Sir, May I have a minute"


"The attendance sheet Sir. Need your signature on it."

Look at this young man. He is also my son's age and so responsible. Hmmm...life was so simple being a student. All you needed to do was to study and get marks. Needn’t worry about any award, money, relatives, kids....so on. How good it would be to switch places???

"Anything else young man"

"No Sir"

For time being at least forgetting the useless report would do.

P.S: Inspired from a Jeffery Archer short story

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Gift

The dining table was just long enough to seat 4 people, but he was eating alone. He adjusted his spectacles which were huge enough for his 11 year old small face. He was quiet. In fact he was disturbingly quiet. The only sound in the room came from the ceiling fan above him. The Tube light blinked as if it could die any moment.

He was eating pan cakes with maple syrup poured over it. The syrup tasted bad as it had crossed the expiry date. But still he remained thankful to god for the pan cakes. Next time he reminded himself to pray for fresh maple syrup as well. By this time kids in the neighborhood usually play baseball or hide and seek, but they ignored him. They always did and they called him freak as well. At this young age he had learned to avoid taking things too personal and just ignored them. He was better off without them.

Suddenly it happened and it startled him. The door opened although he remembered closing it. The man who came inside the house looked at him. He looked at him as if he could eat him alive. He was roughly the age of his father whom he never remembered seeing, talking or feeling. His dark robe and bloodshot eyes made him look dangerous, sinister and harmful. He had seen him couple of times and every time he did, he got a sick feeling in his stomach. He had avoided him deliberately, but that man won’t listen. There was some connection between them, he sensed.

He came quietly in to the room and sat on the nearby chair.

"You see to be afraid of me" the man said.

"What makes you think that?" the boy asked

"You run away when you see me."

"There are so many things to run away from. What makes you think I run from you?"

"I see the fear in your eyes."

"Hmm...what do you see now?"

"An interest. Don’t you want to know who I am?"

"Should I know it?"

"Shouldn’t you?"

"I don’t. It could only be trouble for you."

"Why is that?"

"Because then you may have to face the inevitable."

"And what is the inevitable?"

"The truth."

"Truth? What truth?"

The boy hesitated. Maybe he had gone too far. He knew it the moment he had seen him and that is why he avoided contact with him. He did not want to break away the man's little happiness or whatever hope he had left in him. It was in such moments he realized how badly truth hurts. He wished he was mute or deaf or blind or altogether. He could have been much happier and not go through this whole trauma. Seems that the time had come.

"You want to know?" the boy asked


"You are dead." the boy paused "And you still don’t know it."

The man gasped. The boy pointed to his left side where he saw stab marks and blood stains on his shirt. The man thought that it was a nightmare..a bizarre nightmare….but realized that it a bitter truth to swallow.

"How d-d-do you k-know it?" the man whimpered as he asked.

The boy had done this before when asked by similar people. He hated telling it and wished he could die. It was his gift. It was his curse.

"Because I see dead people." He knew that he wouldn’t need to speak after that. The pan cakes had gone cold.....and so had he.

P.S: Shyamalan must have been a genius to make an entire movie based on this one little twist :-)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Your Tube

What do people do at 11 PM? Normal people go to bed and either drool or debug or code or sleep(?) around in dreamland. Since you all know already that I am far from normal, it is quite obvious that my task varies for that hour. When in India, I worked in a project where my standard home coming time was bang at 11 PM and above. I was so regular at those hours that even the stray dogs that used to bark at me for the first few days gave me a sympathetic and apologetic look later on. I would have appreciated the same look and concern on the face of my office superiors...but hey...doesn't that require some heart? :-) My only solace was...the idiot box.

I know I know. Your dirty mind is thinking that 11 PM means that I would watch Hot Hotter Hottest or Mid Night Masala and cool myself with little bit of sleaze and skin. I pity you perverts (:P). After a day full of sitting before a stupid comp and attending meetings where everyone has no idea what they are talking about, thats possibly the last thing I could find solace in. So...it was JUST FOR LAUGHS on Pogo that I got addicted to.

No No. This post is not about the best or worse gags in that program. Its about laughing at yourself. Hard? Not at all. I will tell you how. In my training program, we had a personality development class as the usual charade and in that we had a game where one guy had to tell something about the other. Not a big deal. As usual I got down everything about the other friend of mine and blurted it out on stage. Then came the real shocker.

The lady who conducted the program then connected the handy cam with which she had recorded the whole thing to the TV and showed us what we did on stage. Holy Cow! I just looked like Dudley who had been kissed by a Dementor (Potter season U see). There on the screen I saw myself gyrating at 180 degrees with my feet moving as if I scared them that I could dance at any moment. I was touching my nose, smirking, rolling my eyes, twirling my lips...Oh dear lord...you made me live to this day to see this? The worse part was this all happened when I had not yet opened my mouth and the other fellow was talking about me.

Then the earth shattered. I was talking at the speed of light and even I had difficulty in understanding what the hell came from my mouth. The lady looked at me and smiled. My naughty mind placed a cloud above her which read "The same god who tortured us by creating Jim Carrey and Chris Tucker, for a change decided to mix them into this moron." She requested me to speak slowly for everybody's sake (which I followed only for a week).

The other worse case was when I had my thread ceremony. Out of the blue they decided to shave my cat moustache and I had to wear a veshti. I would bungee jump from the Petronas towers or watch TR's acting(?) rather than wear veshti for one hour. I had a veshti, angavastram and sacred ash on my forehead. Had they applied sandalwood over my chest I could have bagged Nattamai role in couple of Panchaayat tamil movies beneath an old aalamaram and nasungi pona sombhu.

My cousins had hell lot of fun pulling my leg over the belt that I wore above the veshti. I have promised them that I would wear cargos and T Shirt for my marriage. Unless I find a girl who is ready to trade skirt for a madisaar, I guess I will have to stick to bachelorhood. Trust me...before laughing at others, just imagine what would you have looked like in the same situation. Unless you have the heart to laugh at yourself...you wont find it funny.

As for my case is concerned, I watched the video of my thread ceremony once for 15 mins and switched it off with immediate effect. Why? Simple. I do love watching horror flicks....but this one was for real...and starring me :-)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

He said, She said

He: It was a nice dinner isn’t it?

She: Yeah Yeah....donno how do they make such amazing food in that hotel alone.

He: I loved the Dal Makhni. The taste is still lingering in my mouth.

She: Oh yeah? You liked it so much?

He: Well I can prove it. How about tasting it from me?

(tries to hug her and she laughs and pushes him)

She: Ok ok...I got it. Hmmm...and what else is still lingering?

He: The Dum aalo was good. I also loved Garlic nan.

She: Well...does that mean that we would be returning there sometime soon?

He: Yeah yeah. I guess so. What...you didn’t like it?

She: Yeah...I liked it. But I liked ONLY the food there.

He: What do you mean exactly?

She: Well...don’t lie as if you don’t know ok?

He: What are you talking about?

She: You don’t know what I am talking about?

He: Seriously I don’t know. What is it about?

She: Weren’t you gaping shamelessly at that waitress?

He: What...No..no. What is wrong with you?

She: Oh yeah. You look at the waitress and it is wrong with me? You were looking at

her as if you could have eaten her alive.

He: What am I? A Cannibal?

She: Oh yes. That’s what you are. I should have taped the way you smiled and giggled at her. I

should have brought a hose pipe, connected it to your mouth and watered the plants in the

hotel. You were drooling shamelessly you moron.

He: Oh c’mon honey. Now don’t make it an issue. I was just trying to make some conversation.

She: Oh...so now it comes under the category of Making conversation?

He: Look...if I treat her with respect only then she would serve us first. You know what I mean?

She: Wow...and you now treat me like a 6 year old and tell me these stupid bed time stories.

He: Oh c’mon honey. That’s the truth. Why would I lie to you?

She: Yeah yeah...you have never lied to me. What about the time you were looking at the women in

the blue saree when entered in to the hotel?

He: Wow...so the tally has now added up to 2.

She: Don’t act innocent. Weren’t you looking her there?

He: There? What’s there?

She: THERE? I mean THERE? What is wrong with you?

He: (hesitates)Look..its science...ok? It’s like a reflex effect.

She: (imitates him) reflex effect. You shamelessly do it and blame it on science as well.

He: Now why are you so angry?

She: Why do you all men need to look there?

He: Look...that’s what men do and that’s why eyes are at front. If it weren’t so important then ears

would have been in front and eyes would have been hanging sideways and we would have been

looking like aliens.

She: And now you have jumped to science fiction? What else...history or drama?

He: Look...I am not justifying it..ok? I am sorry...now what should I do?

She: (sobbing) Answer me something.

He: What?

She: If I weren’t there with you, you would have married that waitress right?

He: Whoa whoa...now I am getting married to her? Do I also have 2 children who are sucking their

thumb or having nipple in their mouth? What is this game all about?

She: Answer me. Just imagine I was not there with you. Would you have married her or not?

He: Whoa whoa...I am not playing this game. This whole What-if-you-could-do-this scenario is


She: (sobs) So you would have married her right?

He: Oh c’mon honey. Look at me...I am so happy here..married to you...living my amazing life with


She: And is this fight part of the amazing life?

He: Of course it is. Look honey...just looking at some girl randomly is different than looking at

someone with love. I look at you with love.

She: (smiles with tears) You are trying to seduce me.

He: Is that something I shouldn’t be doing?

She: Only if you look at me.

He: (hugs her) By the way I forget to tell you something.

She: ??????

He: She was really beautiful.

She runs after him with a fake anger and a real smile.

P.S: Inspired from an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Why Himesh wears Underwear?

There is a quote that we realize the worth of the sunshade when we are under the hot sun. Similarly a movie buff realizes how much he misses a quality film when he happens to stumble across a worthless piece of junk movie. You see a useless Simbhu, Ajith or Vijay movie and you wish you can kill them with your bare knuckles. This summer has been worse movie period with Spidey-3, Pirates3, Shrek 3, Fantastic4 all turning out to be nothing but just studio churn outs to mint money. My money was better spent on a cheap but sensibly made Little Miss Sunshine or Pans Labyrinth.

I had the misfortune to see Himesh a.k.a bearded-capped Reshamiyya's acting debut (or sans it) Aap kaa Surroor. In a way I brought it on myself as I wanted to see why on earth this movie was a hit in our country. Well...gotta agree...there is no dearth of fools in this world. How on earth can people decide to make a movie that has not even a storyline which even I or my fellow bloggers have in our one page posts? For pete's sake grow up guys. If you are an average cinema goer you can figure out each and every next scene and dialog in this movie and it makes you wonder if this movie was really shot by mature grown ups or by High school kids.

Well since there was no story or whatsoever in the movie you can sigh in relief as I will spare you with those details. Some of the cliche in the movie are listed below
1. The manager offers blank cheque to our HR (as Himesh is called. Don't be surprised if some of our next movies may have Heroes addressed as admin, PM, QA, CEO and so on). He politely refuses. For christ's sake stop acting like a weirdo, cash it and enjoy your life man.
2. The hero tries to tell I LOVE YOU to the heroine and pop...the heroines father jumps out. The golden rule in Indian movies..Heroines dad arrive earlier...police arrives later :-)
3. The event Manager is interviewed and he talks freely in Hindi to the German press. I never knew Hindi was an accepted official language in Germany.
4. The heroine confesses her love for HR to her dad and her dad expectedly slaps her. Hey...even I knew this was coming...why on earth didnt she duck before?
5. Himesh is arrested and taken by police when our famous Indian Autos (??) pop out of nowhere, stop the police and help Himesh escape. Someone told the producers that the Germans are worlds top Auto makers and maybe they got the whole idea wrong about the real AUTO.
6. In one scene, HR brings the Heroine back home and tells her dad "Aapki izzat aapko lautaane aaya hoon" as if he was delivering some Dominoes Pizza or DHL Shipment courier.
7. The heroine is getting married to someone else in the climax and suddenly the Hero jumps out of nowhere. The heroines father kicks the wannabe bridegroom and as Hindi cinema custom hands the heroine in Hero's hand. I bet the Bridegroom would have been some US working s/w engg. :-(

Now coming to the acting..or the lack of it. Himesh bhai..hmmm...well...someone please tell this guy to first get the blockade out of his nose operated and then do anything else. He carries 3 types of expression throughout the movie - Sad, sadder and saddest. Oh hold a minute...I think I can summarize it in one word - WOODEN. The heroine Haniska Motwani is a former child star who acted in Koi Mil Gaya. She is just 15 years old...which means she must just have completed her 10th standard public exams. These directors must be imprisoned under the Child labor act for making such small kids act as mature adults. Mallikka Sherawath appears for 10 minutes for which she milked a cool 1 Crore bucks. Lucky gal!!!!!!

What I did love about the movie was its location - beautiful Germany. Also the songs were expectedly good enough even though they were marred by nasal Himesh Bhai. There was one inside joke in the movie which I really loved
HR - "Aisa hogaya to meri naak kat jaayegi" (If this happens my nose will be cut)
Sidekick - "Aisa nahi hone doonga. Agar aisa hua...to tu gaayega kaise?" (I wont let it happen. If this happens..how will you sing?)
Also I loved the scene where Himesh cracks the safe by its dial tune. That alone I think was one ingenious idea.

Now coming to the scoop. Himesh has told that he will reveal the secret of his cap in the sequel(???) of this movie. Well...when you just thought that he was going to spare you out...he is going to bounce back with sequel. An insider reveals that there are talks of a third part where he dons role of a superhero like Krriissh and the movie is Titled Aap Ki chaddii. The director Prasanth Chadda (thats the guys real name) said that in this movie it will be revealed why Himesh wears a VIP Underwear outside his pants (smart product placement).

I am not sure if they really make a bad movie intentionally or accidentally. Its better to watch a movie that has some logic and story even though it may have been shot cheaply in Delhi (Khosla ka Ghosla) or Chennai (Chennai 600028 or Mozhi) rather than having no story and still being shot all over the globe.

Hmmm...how badly I wish a Kamal or Amir Khan movie gets released once every month.
P.S: Thanks to Adithya for the suggestion of the tummy:-)

Monday, July 02, 2007

The Island

Where Am I? Those were the first words that came to his mind as he struggled to open his eyes. He saw a branch of a tree above his head.

The sudden rage of sunlight after a prolonged period of darkness seemed to blind him and he covered his eyes with his hands. He was wearing the same blue colored Indigo Nation shirt with white collar and Van Heusen Black pant that he wore yesterday.

Yesterday? Was it yesterday? Or was it Day before yesterday? How long had it been since he had blacked out? His watch was missing and so he had no clue if he had been at that place for a day long or 2. His mobile phone was missing as well along with his purse. As he searched for his mobile phone in his pant pocket he found a note which read “ENJOY YOURSELF”.

What does that mean?

The last thing he remembered was sitting in his car and listening to Bill Wither’s Aint no Sunshine and relaxing after a day’s hard work. The last thing he witnessed was an image of a gloved hand with a kerchief which was thrust on his face and he had left out a muffled scream. That was it. Then he blacked out and found himself alone a few minutes before.

What was this place?
Why was this done to him?
What did they want?
What was he going to do?

He walked around with lot of questions cropping up in his mind and wondered what he should do next. He felt hungry. Damn. Perhaps hunger is the only routine that happens irrespective of any emotional feeling of grief or anger or happiness.

For sure he was not going to find any Ponnusamy or Saravana Bhavan or Vasantha Bhavan in this wretched place. He looked at the coconut at the top of the tree and wished how good it could be if it were to fall down. Wow....if only wishes do come true....

He walked as far as his legs could take. He felt dizzy and nauseating. And that was when he saw it. HOLY COW!!!!! It could not have been possible. He was facing a beach that one gets to see only in the movies. The water looked invitingly blue and inspite of all the confusion in his head, he managed to smile.

He was unsure if the water was reflecting the color of the sky or if it was vice versa. He had always wanted to go to such a scenic island and drop dead on the beach. How wonderful it could be if he was going to be there with.....

Bang Bang.

He heard gunshots. He hesitated for only one second and then found himself running like a hare. His PT master would have been proud, had he seen him dash at such Olympian speed. Suddenly he felt like one of the characters of the hit drama LOST where they get stranded in an island. Just like them he didn't know why he was here and wondered how he was going to escape from here.

Why would someone try to kill him?
What harm had he done to anyone?
Why was this happening to him?

A barrage of questions and no answers. Confusion reigned over his mind and he seemed to have no answers. He dropped pace and started to walk amidst the trees. He tried to remind himself of the happy times of his life. His Birthday at home, his naughty school days, the college culturals, the Ooty trip with friends, first day at job, getting promoted, getting appreciation from the client.

When was the last time he had sat down and reminded himself about his happy times?
When did he last have a relaxed conversation with his parents?
When was the last time he had asked his father if he took his insulin dosage?
When was the last time he had had a banter with his mom or asked her about the fate of her favorite mega serial heroine?
When had he last called his jobless friend and asked him if he needed to know about any job openings?
How long was it since he went to any theatre and whistled shamelessly with his friends?

Not for quite some time.

He had become a victim of the fast paced life. Like most of the hapless souls on earth he had forgotten the past, ignored the present and worried constantly about the future. Perhaps this soliloquy was for good. With no work to do or deadline to meet, his mind seemed relaxed inspite of the peril hanging like a dagger above the head. He decided to walk again to the beach and take a dive into the divinely blue water.


What was that? A ferocious roar silenced his mind and made him feel numb. He glanced in the direction of the roar and trusting his instincts he began running in the opposite side of the forest. He ran as far as he could and didn’t care to look back. The roar seemed to follow him accompanied with a thud sound. He ran for his life.

Till that instant he had never known that he could run so fast. Well...it was not the very ideal time to make a discovery. The roar seemed to be nearing him and he ran faster...harder. Just then he entered into a section of forest with a different entrance to the beach. And then he saw....

Ending 1

There was a huge cake inside a hut built on the sand. Above the hut lay a HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY poster. He saw his friends looking expectedly at him and welcoming him with cheers and claps. Near the hut there was a giant screen which showed him running and entering into the beach.

It was a set up made just for fun. He went to his dearest pal standing near the cake and asked "So it was you? You almost had me killed. Do you realize that?" As those words left his mouth, he smiled instead of being angry.

"Well...you didn’t accept the proposal for the holiday on your birthday. We didn’t have much choice you see. So how do you feel?"
"Never felt so alive."
He hugged his friend and marched towards the cake amidst cheers. The cake structure reminded him of the company designation hierarchical tree.

He chose to ignore it.

Ending 2

He saw her standing facing the sea. He could only see her back with her hair flowing in the direction of the wind, but still he was left with little doubt that it was her. She was his fiancé. For 2 weeks she had been asking him to take a break from work after he had fainted one day at work place owing to work pressure.

He had ignored her for long. Perhaps…she had decided to take matters in her own hands….and done it spookily with style. He hugged her tightly from behind and said “I hope the idea was not to get me killed.”

She turned back, looked him eye in eye, smiled and said “How do you prefer it?”
He kissed her gently said “If you are planning to kill me with your eyes and lips…..lets do it now!!!!!!!!!!”

P.S: Ending 1 dedicated to Nandoo, who completes Silver Jubilee on July 03 and Arun who becomes another year sweeter on July 06.
Ending 2 dedicated to
KK who crosses the ocean of bachelorhood and lands ashore Ms K's heart on July 09.