Friday, February 23, 2007

Hollywood Calling

By our special Correspondent-
At a time Hollywood has been plagued by rising budget costs, shooting salaries of superstars and Box office duds, it has discovered an unnaturally odd and cost effective ally in one movie industry - Kollywood (a small part in Southern India).

Recently few of the top Hollywood producers were alarmed when they discovered that their worst movies like Van Helsing, Epic Movie, and Son of mask were being replaced by movies from Kollywood. These worst movies were often being used by the American soldiers in the Afghanistan war where they showed them to terrorists as a means of non violent torture and to extract information. When someone suggested a few movies of some Kollywood stars the authorities discovered that the response time to extract information had become faster than before.

Unnamed sources confirmed that as of now 3 movies had been used predominantly in the torture camps. The maximum time a prisoner sustained was when he survived a full onslaught of Vijaykanth's Narasimha. The third movie lined up was Ajith's Aalwar but it was not used as the inmate succumbed halfway through T Rajendar's Veerasamy in the scene where Rajendar and Mumtaz try to make love in a bath tub filled with half liter milk. Apparently it was discovered that he had an aversion to animal porn and so he succumbed on witnessing that gruesome scene.

Sensing the potential of these stars, Hollywood has offered these stars a range of choices. Vijayakanth or Captain as he has been called for unknown reasons was offered a remake of THE HULK. But since Marvel's Stan Lee suffered mild attack after seeing the trailer of Sudesi, the idea has been changed and a remake titled BULK has been commissioned coinciding with the Actors huge stature. The changes made have been that instead of Green the monster will be black (CGI costs cut) and the location will be Chennai. Since no CGI will be used, the character of Dr Bruce banner has been omitted from the script. Sudarmani Jetty, a top brand of free size undergarments is endorsing the movie (see poster up close for more details)

Another Hollywood producer who was impressed by Vijayakanth's Kick ass action was the Paramount chief. Under huge pressure to continue the Mission Impossible series without Tom Cruise, he was impressed and immediately gave a go ahead for MI-4. It has been rumored to be a remake of VijayaKanth's earlier hit Narasimha. Fearing him to be the next target, 007 Daniel Craig has renewed his contract with Sony MGM for another 4 movies with huge salary cuts before any of the Sony bosses chanced to see Vijaykanth's action flick.

Another notable actor in this race is a 'bear'ly look able Vijaya T Rajendhar. He has been operating as a one-man industry for the past 20 years by serving as Director to Janitor in all his movies. Halfway through a sneak preview of his latest blockbuster Veerasamy, Universal bosses understood his potential and have booked him to remake a new cost effective version of KingKong titled as Ding Dong. Universal bosses appear very happy with TR and are angry that Peter Jackson (the original director of KingKong) failed to identify him and instead wasted millions of dollars creating a fake animal when they had one in heir midst.

Since the original heroine Naomi watts seemed scared of real bears, TR opted for his first (and only) choice in bombshell Mumtaz. The only concern of producers on seeing her was that the costume costs may sky rocket as they would have to kill millions of cocoons for her wardrobe, but TR assured them of her 'best' performance in the movie. Animal Planet, WWF and national geographic have come forward as strategic partners for this movie.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Love Letter

My Dearest Darling V

I had the choice of giving you flowers or greeting cards or bouquet...but don't know why I chose to write a love letter to you instead.

I am not a poet and so I cannot write sonnets embellishing your beauty. I am not an eloquent writer and so cannot compare you to moon, sea or stars. But there is something special I have which a poet or a writer cannot express for true love for you from my heart.

Do you remember the first time we met? It was at a party and one of our friends introduced us. By some sheer magic my first words uttered to you were "Where are your wings? I thought angels carried them all along wherever they went." I still don't know how did I say that, but it worked. All I remembered about you that day was that you laughed beautifully to all my stupid jokes and anecdotes. Truthfully most of them were copied from Woody Allen's stand up act video I saw somewhere. I told this to you only years later fearing that you would reject me as unoriginal.

It took me six months and eight days to realize that I had been suffering from your love and the only potion that could save me was your acceptance to marry me. 3 days and 121 drafts later I managed to write a love letter to you explaining why you could marry me and still be happy. I had not even been nervous for my grade exams than I was when I waited for your response to the letter. It seemed as if that day the hands of clock refused to move apart and as if I was in a time warp. I must have opened my mail box once in every five minutes and kept looking at my phone as if my life depended on it...and yes it did. Thank god, you saved me. The moment you said yes, I yelled loud enough to be heard from the other side of the Atlantic.

I thought that perfect marriage existed only in romantic novels...until we had one. Each day was wonderful waking up looking at you. Some people tell that marriage is boring because the sheer prospect of waking up to see the same face near day after day is horrifying. Unlucky chaps...they were not married to someone as wonderful you. I loved those wrinkles under your eyes even though you hated it. Do you remember how you cried when you lost my birthday present in the shop and couldn't surprise me? Why would I need a gift when I had you for me?

But it all crash landed one day when we discovered that you were suffering from Brain Tumor. I thought that I loved you more than anyone, but seemed that even the gods loved you a lot. Being a mortal I hardly stood a chance fighting them. The hardest thing is living in the fear of death of someone you love more than your life. By sheer misfortune I could not share your pain and instead watch you suffer from it. Five months later the gods summoned you and snatched you away from my possession.

They say that life has to move on. Maybe it does. People ask me if I remember you often. You have to forget something to remember it back. So I guess it doesn't apply to me. As I write this, I am at the same place in the beach where you asked me "How much do you love me?".

I will never understand why women need to be reassured of the vows of love. But as a well read man I answered something that I read somewhere "I love you more than you love yourself."

Your loving husband

He rolled the letter and inserted it inside the bottle and threw it far into the waters. Sometimes people say that he is a mad man...but does it matter to him?

P.S: Inspired from the movie Message in a Bottle

Monday, February 12, 2007

Love Actually

"So, Is this your first trip to a temple in the US?" asked his Manager driving the car and trying to make a conversation. But he was hardly listening and seemed lost in a world of his own. He was still upset over the whole episode with her and it seemed to him as if he was complicating matters for himself. When his Manager offered a ride to the Satyanarayanan Temple in Middletown he obliged just to escape from himself.

The problem with most of Indians is that we fail to draw a fine line between our professional and personal lives. We call our girlfriend, husband, Mom, friend in our office time and prepare documents, test plans, discuss appraisals at home. Then we end up screwing both professional and personal lives and end up dissatisfied. Two days before had finished a client presentation and was awaiting the result and it turned negative. He was in a foul mood and it was then that she called. He blasted his anger over her and switched over his mobile. The easiest thing for anyone of us is to release our anger on our near and dear ones as we take them for granted and he had done the same. It had been 2 days since and he had not called her and neither returned her calls a day before.

They parked their car outside in the parking lot which had lot of Honda's, Toyota's and Nissan's which suggested the abundance presence of Indian fraternity inside the temple. The Middletown Satyanarayanan temple looked beautiful. It had a traditional Hindu construction with a Dravidian styled stepped pyramid structure. As they left their footwear before in the corridor he noticed a sign which read "Visa/Master card accepted for donations". Seems that God had got wind of the fact that people produce counterfeit money and so now had decided to rely on advanced technology.

God it was nice to see someone clad in Churidar and Saree. In the beginning he had enjoyed the sight of women dressed in short skirts and tops and whatsoever, but as days progressed he realized that he yearned to see someone in traditional Indian dress and seems as if today his prayers were answered. Although when he looked at one women he got reminded of her. He was reminded how he used to go around the temple in his neighborhood holding his hand in hers. He moved forward and looked at the marble murthi of Radhe Krishna. Born and brought up in a south Indian environment he grew up to stone structures of gods and the marble one reminded him of the Marwadi temple in his neighborhood.

There was a sign which read "Cell Phones should not be used here" although a gentleman on his left was praying with a blue tooth device attached. Everyone around was praying something while he seemed lost in her thoughts. If there was bell outside God's premises for prayers, maybe it was ringing damn loud now. The children seemed unaware of this and were running around playing hide and seek. One child was whispering something in Nandhi's ear which reminded him of the same thing he did when he was studying in 3rd standard about a passmark in the Maths paper. Eventually he failed and cursed god for sometime about that.

Just then a women started to sing Vaishnava Janato and the whole atmosphere changed. There was something divine in her voice which made him break into a million pieces. He realized that his ego walls stood nowhere near his strong love for her. That was all that he could hold on to and he walked out of the temple and dialed the only number he remembered by heart. He said "Ma, Will you sing Vaishnava Janato for me?"

8000 odd miles and 10 and half hours apart his mother had no idea for her son's sudden urge of viewers request. But as all moms do, she willfully obliged.

Halfway through the song, he was close to tears and confessed "Ma, did I tell you that I love you more than anything else on earth?"

Her reply was simple and sweet "You need not son".

Saturday, February 03, 2007

என்னலே பாக்க !

முதல்ல என் அப்பாவுக்கு தூத்தூக்குடிக்கு மாற்றல் சொன்னப்ப நான் "அது என்ன சாத்துக்குடி மாதிரி தூத்தூக்குடி"னு கேட்டேன். உண்மைல அந்த ஊருக்கு ஊத்திக்குடினு பேரு வெச்சிருக்கனும். எனக்கு ஞாபகம் இருந்து என் வீடு பக்கதிலே ரெண்டு மதுபானக் கடை இருந்துச்சு. கலாம் நாம எல்லரும் நல்ல குடிமகனா இருக்கனும்னு சொன்னதை எத்தனை பேரு தப்பா புரிஞ்சு வெச்சிருக்காங்கன்னு அப்பத்தான் தெரிஞ்சுது.

தென் தமிழ்நட்டுக்கு முதல்ல வந்தப்ப அந்தப் பேச்சுவழக்கு ஒரு எழவும் விளங்கலை. 'என்னலே நிக்க', 'என்னலே பாக்க'னு அவங்க பேசறதைக் கேட்டு என் தம்பி என்கிட்ட "ஏன்டா இந்தப் பசங்க வார்த்தைல பாதியை முழுங்கிட்டானுங்க"னு கேட்டான. அந்த 'எலேய்'ங்கறதை ஒரு ராகமா அவங்க சொல்றதே அழகா இருக்கும். தூத்துக்குடி பக்கதிலேயே திருச்செந்தூர், சந்கரன்கோயில்லாம் இருந்ததுனால என் அப்பா அம்மா வாரத்துக்கு ஒரு தடவை ஏதாவது ஒரு கோவிலுக்கு போவாங்க. என் தம்பி சாதுவாக் கூடக் கிளம்புவான். நாம தான் கோயிலுக்கு சுண்டல் சாப்பிட மட்டுமே போற கோஷ்டி ஆச்சே; அதனால வீட்டுலயே இருப்பேன் ('ஹூம்... நீ எல்லாம் என் பிள்ளை'னு என் அம்மா அடிக்கடி சலிச்சுகுக்குவாங்க! :().

நான் கவனித்த வரைக்கும் தென் தமிழநாட்டுல சாதிப் பாகுபாடு கொஞ்சம் ஜாஸ்தி. புதுசா ஒரு தெருவுல குடி போனப்போ கடைக்கு ஏதோ வாங்கப் போனேன். மளிகைக் கடை அண்ணாச்சி என்கிட்ட "தம்பி, நீங்க அந்த சாதியா"னு ஒரு சாதி பிரிவு பேரைச் சொல்லி கேட்டாரு. ஆகா...கெளம்பிட்டாங்கடா... அருவாளை எங்க மாப்ளே ஒளிச்சு வெச்சிருக்க? ஸ்டாண்ட் (முதுகுதான்!) ல வெச்சிருக்கியாப்பா? ஆளைப் பார்த்தா பத்துக் கொலை பண்ணிட்டு பதினொனாவது பண்ண பான்பராக் கேப்பான் போல இருந்தான்!. அது ஏங்கண்ணா அந்த மயில் மார்க் இல்ல குயில் மார்க் பேரு போட்ட முண்டா பனியன் மட்டுமே போடுறீங்க? இன்னும் அந்த உடைக்கு யாருமே காப்புரிமை வாங்கலைங்கரதும் ஆச்சரியம் தான்.

என்ன தான் சொன்னாலும் அவங்க வியாபார தந்திரம் யாருக்கும் வராது. சென்னைலியே பார்த்தீங்கன்னா பெரிய கடைகள் எல்லாமே தென்னகத்துலேந்து வந்தவங்களாத்தான் வெச்சிருப்பாங்க. உழைப்புக்கு சலிக்காத அந்த மாதிரி மக்களைப் பார்க்கும்போது வியப்பா இருக்கும். கல்லூரில படிக்கும்போது பசங்க திருநெல்வேலி அல்வா வாங்கிட்டு வந்தாத்தான் ரூம்குள்ளேயே விடுவாங்க. அல்வா வாங்கலைனு சொல்லி அல்வா கொடுக்க பார்த்தா தர்ம அடிதான். அந்த இருட்டுக்கடை அல்வாவின் சுவையை எதனாலயும் ஈடு செய்ய முடியாது (நினைக்கும்போதே நாக்கு சப்பு கொட்டுது!).

ஒரு கல்யாணத்துக்கு அங்க போனபோது எனக்கு கொஞ்சம் பயமா இருந்துச்சு. ஏன்னா அங்க வந்திருந்த பெண்கள் கழுத்திலையும் அவ்வளவு நகை! (உடன்பிறவா சகோதரி அளவுக்குனா பார்த்துக்கோங்க!). இப்போ நீங்க கேட்கலாம் ஏன்டா என்னமோ உன் தாத்தா வீட்டு சொத்து பறி போகற மாதிரி பிட்டைப் போடறியேன்னு. எல்லாம் ஒரு நல்ல எண்ணம் தான். இப்படி கழுத்து நிறைய நகை போட்டுகிட்டு திரிஞ்சாங்கன்னா அப்புறம் திருடன் வந்து திருடாம பின்ன என்ன "உங்க் நகைகள் அருமை"னு வாழ்த்து மடலா அனுப்புவான்?

அந்த ஊருல இருந்த ஒரு கல்லூரி எனக்கு ரொம்ப பிடிக்கும். என்னா அங்க வகுப்புகள் நடந்ததா எனக்கு தெரியல (என்னமோ நடத்தினப்ப மட்டும் படிச்சு கிழிச்ச மாதிரி). அங்க படிச்ச ஒரு பையன் என் வீடு பக்கத்துல இருந்தான். அவனை சட்டை பேண்டில பார்த்ததை விட லுங்கி பணியன் ல அதிகமா பார்த்தாதா தான் ஞாபகம். எப்ப கேட்டாலும் ஸ்ட்ரைக் னு சொல்லுவான். கடைசியா சதாம் மை தூக்கிலிட்டததுக்கும் அவங்க ஸ்ட்ரைக் பண்ணினதா படிச்சதா ஞாபகம்.

என்ன தான் Dude, Yo Wassup னு பிட்டைப் போட்டாலும் அந்த 'எலேய்' ல இருந்த ஒரு அன்நியோனியாமும் நெருக்கமும் நட்பும் ஈடு செய்ய முடியாதது. எலேய் என்னலே பாக்க? போய் பின்னூட்டம் போடுலே!