Friday, February 23, 2007

Hollywood Calling

By our special Correspondent-
At a time Hollywood has been plagued by rising budget costs, shooting salaries of superstars and Box office duds, it has discovered an unnaturally odd and cost effective ally in one movie industry - Kollywood (a small part in Southern India).

Recently few of the top Hollywood producers were alarmed when they discovered that their worst movies like Van Helsing, Epic Movie, and Son of mask were being replaced by movies from Kollywood. These worst movies were often being used by the American soldiers in the Afghanistan war where they showed them to terrorists as a means of non violent torture and to extract information. When someone suggested a few movies of some Kollywood stars the authorities discovered that the response time to extract information had become faster than before.

Unnamed sources confirmed that as of now 3 movies had been used predominantly in the torture camps. The maximum time a prisoner sustained was when he survived a full onslaught of Vijaykanth's Narasimha. The third movie lined up was Ajith's Aalwar but it was not used as the inmate succumbed halfway through T Rajendar's Veerasamy in the scene where Rajendar and Mumtaz try to make love in a bath tub filled with half liter milk. Apparently it was discovered that he had an aversion to animal porn and so he succumbed on witnessing that gruesome scene.

Sensing the potential of these stars, Hollywood has offered these stars a range of choices. Vijayakanth or Captain as he has been called for unknown reasons was offered a remake of THE HULK. But since Marvel's Stan Lee suffered mild attack after seeing the trailer of Sudesi, the idea has been changed and a remake titled BULK has been commissioned coinciding with the Actors huge stature. The changes made have been that instead of Green the monster will be black (CGI costs cut) and the location will be Chennai. Since no CGI will be used, the character of Dr Bruce banner has been omitted from the script. Sudarmani Jetty, a top brand of free size undergarments is endorsing the movie (see poster up close for more details)

Another Hollywood producer who was impressed by Vijayakanth's Kick ass action was the Paramount chief. Under huge pressure to continue the Mission Impossible series without Tom Cruise, he was impressed and immediately gave a go ahead for MI-4. It has been rumored to be a remake of VijayaKanth's earlier hit Narasimha. Fearing him to be the next target, 007 Daniel Craig has renewed his contract with Sony MGM for another 4 movies with huge salary cuts before any of the Sony bosses chanced to see Vijaykanth's action flick.

Another notable actor in this race is a 'bear'ly look able Vijaya T Rajendhar. He has been operating as a one-man industry for the past 20 years by serving as Director to Janitor in all his movies. Halfway through a sneak preview of his latest blockbuster Veerasamy, Universal bosses understood his potential and have booked him to remake a new cost effective version of KingKong titled as Ding Dong. Universal bosses appear very happy with TR and are angry that Peter Jackson (the original director of KingKong) failed to identify him and instead wasted millions of dollars creating a fake animal when they had one in heir midst.

Since the original heroine Naomi watts seemed scared of real bears, TR opted for his first (and only) choice in bombshell Mumtaz. The only concern of producers on seeing her was that the costume costs may sky rocket as they would have to kill millions of cocoons for her wardrobe, but TR assured them of her 'best' performance in the movie. Animal Planet, WWF and national geographic have come forward as strategic partners for this movie.


Nivi said...

Oh MY GOD!!!!
i was laughing so loud and so much that everyone wn my cubicle have given me the "is she nuts??" look...

tht was a super funny post...

"Universal bosses understood his potential and have booked him to remake a new cost effective version of KingKong titled as Ding Dong"

ROTFL... awesome...way to go man!!!
and hey i am the first!!!!!!!!!

Padma said...

me d second..
this show how many people are vetti he he..
nice narration..
anda king kong parta nenaichu nenaichu sirippu than..
//millions of cocoons wasted in her dress//

Ganesh Ranganathan said...

I think forcing prisoners, (even terrorists) to watch these movies is a blatant violation of human rights...

Facing a firing squad is better than what they have been subjected to :-))

Nithya said...

ROFL...Awesome post..That was real good..Where did u get the images frm ?? lol..Too good

Did u wach Veerasamy btw ? :P

Syam said...

ROTFL....athilum ding dong cha king kong attakaasam.... :-)

Sat said...

What the!!!

Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said...

Ithellam nalla illa. SOliten :(
Dabalnu ipdi photo pottu.. cha :(( 2 bad..U cud have given a warning tht u have some photo below .. :((

thepsychologic said...

You might like this
...and if you happen to know which movie it is then please do let me know :)

A 'quite a while' silent reader

Sat said...

un nakkalukku alave illa?
too good
afgan torture camp secrets unvieled....aiyo...thaanga mudiyala!

Dreamzz said...

chancea illa! vilundu vilundhu sirichikittu irukken!


Dreamzz said...

athuvum kadasila antha dingdont.. comeing to a zoo near you... jupero juper!


enga pidicheenga itha?

Tohou Lidia said...

hahaha...i don't know why i laughed because i know absolutely next to nothing about kollywood :) You've got a good cynical writing style...i love it!

KK said...

Appuram vanthu padikuren nanba... ippothiku ungala tag panni irukenu solla vanthen :)

Harish said...

Wow....that is as said in captains style as Mizan agomblized :-)

Anda Ding Dong paanitu naanum ada daan panindu irunden :-)

Ada makka....idu oru step mela poidutu..

Harish said...

Its hard to believe. I was nondifying Photoshop for some time and chumma was morphing some images...and hence this post was born :-)
And...I just saw trailor of Veerasamy which in itself made me decide to comitt suicide.

hee hee...nandri naatamai...

Aduta dadavai ada panren :-)

Harish said...

Welcome Boss...That is Peraruvai's Dharmapuri. Opening scene itself scores....

Enna panna...inda pasanga padam edukirada vidaya naan kodumai panida poren :-)

Chumma daan. Idle mind became devils workshop and made these images. Felt great that u liked them :-)

Harish said...

@Amy feels good to know that u enjoyed it even without knowing these GREAT people. btw...stay away from their movies. Chances are that u may fall in love with them :-)

Maapu...vechutiyae da aapu...
padichutu un karuta sollu :-)

Krithika said...

hahaa..the posters were awesumm!!hahahaaa

Arunkumar said...

too good work with the pictures. claps claps :)

i am still rolling on the floor laughing.. hope not to get
hurt though :-)

where Rajendar and Mumtaz try to make love in a bath tub filled with half liter milk.
is there a scene like this? and r u alive after watching this? Hats off man, Hats off :)

//Director to Janitor //
LOL :)
last one was way too good.

ukkandhu nalla yoshichirukinga harish. gr8

kuttichuvaru said...

ha ha ha..... soober pics machi!! ROTFL post!!

Anonymous said...

Baga baga baga...

Good one....:-)..

Awatts said...

Enna creativity..ideavum seri..narrationum seri...picturesum seri...ellam soooper..

mystery said...

i like the last one "Ding Dong"..:P

Me too said...

Hilarious!! I hope it doesn't put ideas into some people's mind to make these nightmares come true! :)

Hell's Angel said...

hahaha!! tht was good!!sema comedy..:D.. and the pics were nice.. good work!!! i know creative writing is ur forte..but i think u do too good a job in "romantic" posts..:-) whats say?

KK said...

//20 years by serving as Director to Janitor in all his movies.//
LOL!!! could'nt stop laughing after reading this hahaha... awesome man!!! :D

But you have targeted two of my most favorite stars.... Go bears!! :D

KK said...

//where Rajendar and Mumtaz try to make love in a bath tub filled with half liter milk.//

Nesamaalum intha maathiri scene iruka??? nalla paarthiya??? athu bath tub'a illai swimming pool'a appadinu??? :D

Marakama Veerasamy paakanum... :D

golmaalgopal said...

ROTFL-o-ROTFL chancae illa harish...kalaasals

seri naanum king-kong'kku oru nalla akitor kadaichadha podalaamnu irundhen....but u c adhu kingkong'kku kevalam :))

golmaalgopal said...

ennadhu millions of cocoons'ah...2 kercheeps podhume biradhar :))

Couch Potato said...

The Bulk Hulk ,Gapain Visaikaanth !! LOL !! Nice pun ;-)

Has to be me said...

Super duper post....hilarious esp the bulky cabtain!

golmaalgopal said...

annaatha....vijit my kadai 4 an update on thala grizzly :))

brute said...

tht was tooo good sir, thoroughly enjoied reading.. :D

itchingtowrite said...

went thru most of the posts in 1 sitting- leaving all office work. u right really well. familiar yet unfamiliar style- one cud identify with it
thanks for dropping by my blog

ambi said...

//rumored to be a remake of VijayaKanth's earlier hit Narasimha//
kalasi irukka chellam! :p

priya said...

Damn good and veryc reative. When I opened the page, I was like wat?


Anupama Viswanathan said...

Both me and my hubby really enjoyed reading this awesome post! :-)
ROTFL!! Great Work with the images
- Anu and KK

Revathi said...

ROTFL..that was awesome..first time u r trying something like this i think and the outcome is just hilarious!!too write more stuff like this..

Bhargavi said...

superb post!! lol at the 'bear'ly look able face of V.T.R!

Harish said...

As long as u had ur works :-)

I read about that scene and saw the trailor which in itself was a trauma.
Innum inda maadiri padam edukaraanga...ivanagala ellam....

Chalo...u enjoyed :-)

Harish said...

Thanks yaar. No names ?

Thanks yaar :-)

I hope they end up making something like this :-)

@me too
Sometimes I fear the same :-)

Harish said...

Dont tempt me yaar. I already am becoming too inclined to post em :-)

Po pa. Enda movie sitelayum anda padam illa :-(

2 kerchefs ellam correct. Adu irukira size kku adukke attana damage pananum.

Harish said...

gaptan vaazhga :-)

gaptum kku eppavume sense of humor jaasti :-)

Thanks Bro :-)

@Itching to write
wow....Pleasantly surprised to hear this. As long as you have enjoyed reading here...I am happy :-)

Harish said...

Gaptan ku uyir kooda kodukalaam :-)

trust VTR and gaptun to rock everywhere :-)

@Anu & KK
Wow.Now that is doubly special :-)

I try such things in tamil. Will try for more :-)

Paavam Peter jackson :-)

Marutham said...


Enaku sirichu vayiru punayduchu :))

DING DONG dhaan punch :P

also BULK :P

Very very funny !!