Hope you and abba are doing fine. I know that there have been no letters from my side, but then it took me some time to expel the fear of death which was sticking to my mind like a lizard on a wall . Since I am sure that nothing would happen to me from now judging from the current course of events, I decided that this was the right time to invite our family to visit me in India.
Yes, you read it right. I am inviting you all here. All you have to do is take a plane from Multan to Mumbai and we can possibly meet here in the jail premises. I know that it is not the most ideal place to meet your son, but you have to understand that this phase will be over pretty soon and we will all be together as a happy family. I feared nothing less than death since I was caught, but it has to be said that it seems impossible now.
Contrary to what has been portrayed by my Jihadi brothers, the Indians are very courteous and nice. Imagine, which country will feed its perpetrators with 4 square meals food, shelter him, give media coverage (which can be used for my marriage alliance J) and also hesitate to take any concrete action? It happens ONLY in India. Imagine what would have happened if any Indian terrorist had been caught bombing our country? We would have announced war on India immediately and dialled our US brothers to supply as many arms as possible for the holy war.
And what about the caught perpetrator? We would have made sure that we would have cut as many pieces of him as possible and parcel some to government, some to media and remaining to his kith and kin. But Indians on other hand don’t do it, because by nature they are a bunch of peace loving folks. They are soft natured, harmony loving and gentle folks. They are like the house neighbours who don’t mind even if you pee on their yard or grab some mangoes from their grove. We should be fortunate to have such amazing neighbours.
Initially I was afraid when caught and hence I confessed all my wrong doings. But I guess it must have been shocking as they are not used to people who immediately confess their actions. I understood this when the hawaldar asked me "Are you sure? Really?" as if I was answering some KBC question. See, they are used to court proceedings which take years (in double digits). It’s a tactic that no country on earth would understand. The longer the case, it keeps that many people employed and hence you solve unemployment in a single fix. Masterpiece eh?
So I first started out that I was a minor. They scampered, huffed and puffed for first six months negating it. I had also judged the media reaction to my case and so just blurted that I came here to work in films. I have already got offers from Verma and Bhatt sahib to star in their films.(I have couriered along some DVDs of their films and Munir should love it). I had to pay the hawaldar 1000 bucks to get this letter couriered. These people are more corrupt to the soul than our politicians. For a few wad of notes they might sell their mother or motherland or possibly both.
If they indeed find me guilty now, I have few other tricks up my sleeve which I learnt from Indian politicians. I will vehemently deny saying that I have been targeted because I belong to a minor community and when that fails, I will complain of chest pain and heart attack and lie down. (Ironically nobody here questions that how can a politician with no heart have a heart attack :P)
Even the witnesses will be out after certain time. As I told before, this case will as will drag for years. By that time, the witnesses would be dead out of old age, or possibly by some bomb attack by someone (ours or theirs you never know), or flood which comes regularly but no one takes care to fix it. Also there are some nice politicians here who will help my cause. There is an awesome politician called Raj Bhai who beats people if they don’t talk in the local language (not hindi, that’s national and they dont care about it). See, the people here get beaten up by so many of their own men, that they tend to forget "Oh. You beat me? When was that?". Who is going to remember a short guy with Donald Trump hair and AK 47 gun?
Also, I will like to point out their master key stroke idea in recent times. You see, all politicians make promise to people to elevate this country on par with USA. They found out how to do it? How? Simple. Divide all existing states into 2-3 parts and voila. They have more than 52 states and now are on PAR with US. Master stroke eh? Infact, tell all our brothers that this might be an opportune moment to bomb some place or train in this country. You see, since they are in fighting mood now, one party will blame the opposition and vice versa and then there will be more blood. So all we need to do is just press the trigger button.
All I can tell from my experience is that Indians are an amazing bunch of people. The old adage of Forgive and Forget is followed by them religiously. Like they forgot about this bomb blast after few months. All they did was rally with few candles and raise few slogans. Another rain, bomb blast and election, they don’t remember anything.
The US is still rallying around a 9/11 which happened way back in 2001. But these people don’t even remember the latest attacks or casualties as it keeps happening and never looks like its going to stop. They are like the Short Term memory loss patients who just remember the latest incident and then forget the rest. They find solaces in an unlikely cricket win or 1-in-a-billion gold medal in some games. That’s enough for them to heal their wounds.
Anyway, lastly, ask Munir to practise bomb making seriously. And also, tell him not to swallow that cyanide. Jihad is bullshit and I discovered it. Even if he gets caught here, he needn’t worry about anything I will manage the rest.
Looking forward to meeting you all here soon.
Your loving son,
P.S: Maybe I will discuss with Verma or Bhatt if Munir can get second hero role in the same film. Or possibly for a bigger room here in the worst case.
P.S: Happy new Year :)