Tuesday, January 06, 2009

News of Tomorrow

News of Tomorrow

Date: 06-Jan-2019

Politics

Pak Denies hand in Terror: India asks US to intervene

By our Special Correspondent

New Delhi: New Delhi raised alarm over involvement of Pakistan's hand in the latest bomb blasts in an electric train in CST station in Mumbai. Police nabbed a gunman who is identified to be former Pakistani Cricketer Ashid Shafridi.

I did it: Ashid confesses

New Delhi: Ashid was nabbed by the policemen immediately after the incident and he confessed his crime. The FBI has confirmed his identity. However, Pakistan has deleted Ashid's record from their local Cricinfo database and their national citizen's database and maintained that there are no records to prove that he played for Pakistan nor he is a Pakistani citizen. India and US have expressed surprise that Pakistan even has a database of its own.

Even though around 30 daily-working mazdoors and ordinary people have died in this incident, the Home Minister Mr. Khivraj Betil refused to resign. He has maintained that it requires atleast 10 foreign tourists or some Page 3 VIPs to be killed for an Indian Minister to resign from his incumbent post.

"Mummy…save me from Pakistan": Minister

New Delhi: India has as usual upheld its cry-baby status and asked US to intervene and question Pakistan's morality in this issue. Indian Minister Mr. Betil repeatedly trying calling his US counterpart from his extension but found no answers. He finally got hold of him once he gave a missed call from his assistant's mobile phone. The US secretary, who has been using a mobile phone for the past 25 years is reported to have quipped "What the f**k is a missed call?" to his assistants.


 

World News

We will find WMDs : Salin's promise

Washington: Meanwhile, US President Ms. Parah Salin has promised the UN that they will find the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) in Iraq by 2040. Apparently, she had to clarify what the heck a WMD was (just like her Republican predecessor Mr. Gush). She has vowed that once they find the WMD (and dry up all oil outlets), they will vacate Afghanistan.

Earlier today, the US authorities seized 2 sacks of butterbeans and black chana and had claimed that they be qualified as WMDs for their capability to induce humans to fart and pollute the atmosphere. The decision is still pending with the UN general body. Ms. Salin is also in consultation with her ministers to move the US capital from Washington to New Jersey, so that she can keep an eye on Iraq from her house.

Local Politics

Citizens to be trained by cricketers

Mumbai: Following the All India Terrorist Union's recent announcement that they would not claim responsibility for bomb blasts which kills less than 20 people, there has been terror alert in Indian cities.

Minister has claimed that they are taking help of cricketers to train people to catch and throw the bombs back at their attackers. Popular cricketers Bautam Bamghir and Ubin Rothappa who walked and scored runs in their heydays, have volunteered to help citizens to walk and catch bombs and throw them back. Popular cricketer Suvaraj Singh however offered to train female citizens.


 

Rape and Murder quota limit exceeded for MPs and MLAs: Bill passed unanimously in Parliament

New Delhi: The Indian parliament exceeded the murder and rape limits for MPs and MLAs. Earlier the rape and murder limits for MPs and MLAs were 2 and 1 respectively. But as per latest survey it was found that the MPs and MLAs expressed their dissatisfaction as they wanted the limit to be exceeded by 1 each. The bill was unanimously passed by all parties without any dispute. Once the bill was successfully passed in the morning, the parliament was adjourned in afternoon owing to poor attendance by MPs.


 

Vote Auction held successfully in TN: EC expresses satisfaction

Chennai: The EC expressed happiness over the first Vote auction held in TN by-elections. Under this scheme, the voter would stand outside the vote booth and auction his vote to the highest bidding party. MDK and AMDK stood outside the booths with truckloads of money and goondaas to 'convince' the voters to vote for them.

Meanwhile the MDK celebrated the first birthday of Mr. Asthamanidhi Tsalin's son Mr. KatchiNidhi. He has been appointed as "MDK's Toddler's association secretary". However Mr. Tsalin has rubbished claims about Dynasty politics in MDK and said that it was done in "Democratic" way.


 

Be warned: Taj's ultimatum

Mumbai: MNS (Megarashtra Napoonsak Sena) chief Mr. Taj Jockeray has "urged" his party members to spread Megarashtra spirit amongst people in the state. Taj has served ultimatum to immigrants from other states to learn to speak and write in Megathi if they wanted to make a living in Megarashtra.

He has asked his party cadres to henceforth take surprise oral and dictation tests on any suspicious non-megathi person across the state. If the person did not pass the test with "satisfactory" results, they would be deported on the next train to their respective states. The Supreme court has as usual expressed dissatisfaction and sent summon papers to Mr. Taj. The summon papers were reportedly used to clean Mr. Taj's assistant's children's private parts.

Cinema

Kajini's new movie

Chennai: Superstar Kajinikanth's new movie would be directed by renowned masala director Veerarasu. Veerarasu, who is having a golden run at the box-office, was summoned by the Superstar and apparently Veerarasu has told him a one-liner which seems to have impressed the Superstar.

Veerarasu's last movie with Sujay titled "Saidapettai" was a rocking success as it crossed 30 days across various centers. As Veerarasu has made movies with all the cities' name in TN, he is left with no choice but to use famous street names in TN. Rumor mills suggested that he might register the name "Kannamapettai" and the subject might be where Kajini will play the role of a young Casket maker. Veerarasu as usual makes a cameo (comedy) appearance as a dead body.

Popular yesteryear actress Tridevi's daughter Hanvi is tipped to play the role of Kajini's coveted heroine. Sources close to the superstar have neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. Kajini could not be contacted as he is on a spaceship to moon as Reporters seem to track him even in Hrishikesh Mountains.

Sports

We will win the World Cup: Tachin's new year promise

Mumbai: Tachin Sendulkar has promised Indian cricket fans that he will play to his best abilities to help India win the 2019 Cricket world cup. "Winning the world cup has always been my childhood dream" said the 45 year old cricketing superstar.

Indian team captain Mhd Nishasuddin (former captain Bajaruddin's son) has expressed confidence that Tachin's presence helps the team mates walk out with confidence. Chairman of Selectors, Mr. Dahul Ravid has expressed his support for Tachin while former Indian team skippers Boney and Senguly refused to comment on the issue.

6 comments:

nivi said...

oh my my! This is brilliant! Loved it loved it loved it. super funny.

i was ROTFL! Especially on this

"India and US have expressed surprise that Pakistan even has a database of its own."

and the murder , rape assualt limit.

Too good Harish. A good laugh after a while :)

Karthik B.S. said...

inna SMS-forward madhiri irukku. :P

Dimplicious said...

Ha ha...Really funny!!Amazing thought process of yours...And yeah i wouldn't be suprised if this actually happens in the year 2019!!!

Dinesh C said...

Nachunu soneenga!
Nice thinking..
Let me start praying for some dreams i dont want to be true!

rahul said...

hey harish got the book yesterday, read your story , very beautifully written, the contrast between the present and future clearly enunciated.

keep up the good work!!!

Harish said...

@Nivi
It was fun writing this.

@BSK
Bet you skimmed it like our exam papers :P

@Dimplicious
Nope. India mein kuch bhi ho sakta hai. :)

@Dinesh
Yep. We better do :)

@Rahul
Thanks yaar. Am yet to read the book :(