Happy Diwali

A very happy Diwali to everyone.

Have a safe, prosperous and fun-filled diwali :)

Have fun with these ads. Even if you might have watched them before, try smiling. Its not injurious to health. :)

அவன்....அவள்....அது

அவன்: "ஏய்...நீ ரொம்ப அழகா இருக்க."
அவள்: "எப்போ பாரு ஜொள்ளு தானா? உங்களுக்கு வேற ஒன்னுமே தெரியாதா?"
அவன்: அப்படி கோச்சுக்கும்போத்தும் கூட நீ அழகா தான் இருக்க தெரியுமா?
அவள்: இதே வார்த்தை தானே அந்த கீழு தெரு சரோஜா கிட்டேயும் சொன்னீங்க?
அவன்: ஐயோ. இது என்ன வம்பா போச்சு. நான் பாட்டுக்கு நான் உண்டு என் வேலை உண்டுன்னு இருக்கேன். என் மேல இப்படி அபாண்டமா பழி போடற.
அவள்: எனக்கு எல்லாம் தெரியும். சும்மா இந்த புருடா எல்லாம் விடாதீங்க.
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்...நான் சொன்ன நம்ப மாட்ட. சரோஜா சொன்னா மட்டும் நம்புவ.
அவள் : அப்படி தான் வேச்சுகொங்களேன்.
அவன்: இந்த மாலை எவ்வளவு வாசனையா இருக்கு தெரியுமா?
அவள்: அட. உங்களுக்கு வாசனை எல்லாம் வருமா?
அவன்: கிண்டல் தானே. ஏதோ அன்னைக்கி ஜலதோஷம் இருந்துது அதுனால உன்னை பார்க்க வரும்போது வாசனை வரலைன்னு சொன்னேன். அதையே பிடிச்சிண்டு இருந்தா எப்படி.
அவள்: பார்க்கிற மாதிரியா வந்தீங்க? வேர்த்து விறுவிறுத்து...யப்பா. உங்க கிட்ட கூட நெருங்க முடியல.
அவன்: பின்ன? வேலை முடிஞ்சு வந்தா உங்க ஊருல என்ன சந்தனமும் ஜவ்வாதும் கலந்தடிச்ச வாசனையா வரும்?
அவள்: பண்றதை எல்லாம் பண்ணிட்டு நல்லா சாக்கு சொல்லுங்க.
அவன்: ஒரு அப்பாவி மேல இப்படி அநியாயமா பழி போடறியே?
அவள்: யாரு? நீங்க அப்பாவியா? இத்தனை பேரு நம கல்யாணத்துல சுத்தி இருக்காங்க, அப்போ கூட சில்மிஷம் பண்றீங்களே, நீங்களா அப்பாவி?
அவன்: என் என் ...என்ன பண்ணிட்டேன்?
அவள்: உண்மையை சொல்லுங்க? உங்க காலால நீங்க என் காலை வருடல?
அவன்: ஒரு இளைஞன் ஒரு இளைஞ்சி கை காலை பிடிக்கிறது ஜகஜம். ஏன்னா இது வாலிப வயசு.
அவள்: வாலிப வயசா? இதெல்லாம் ரொம்ப ஜாஸ்தி நக்கல் தான். 3 கழுதை வயசாச்சு உங்களுக்கு.
அவன்: இப்படி எல்லாம் வெட்ட வெளிச்சமா உண்மையை வெளில சொல்ல கூடாது. உன் புருஷன் மானம் தானே போகுது.
அவள்: சரி...விஷயத்துக்கு வருவோம். என்ன வாசனை வருது உங்களுக்கு?
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்....நல்ல ரோசாப்பு வாசனை வருது. அது கூடவே ஏதோ தூக்கலா ஒரு வாசனை. அநேகமா உன்கிட்டேருந்து தான் இருக்கும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறேன்.
அவள்: ஹையோ. உங்களை திருத்தவே முடியாது.
அவன்: உண்மையை சொல்லு. உனக்கு மனசுக்குள்ள குளிர்ச்சியா இல்லை? பொய் சொல்ல கூடாது.
அவள்: (தயங்கி) இருக்கு......
அவன்: பார்த்தியா. பிடிச்சிருக்கு. ஆனா வெளில பண்ற பந்தா எல்லாம் ஏதோ ஒன்னுமே பிடிக்காத மாதிரி தான்.
அவள்: ஹீ ஹீ. ஆமா...இத்தனை பேரு நாம ரெண்டு பேருக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணி வெக்கிறாங்களே, மழை பெய்யும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறீங்க?
அவன்: மழை பெய்யனும்னா மரம் வேணும். அந்த மரத்தை எல்லாம் கட்டிடம் எழுப்பறவன் வேட்டிடான். ஏறில இருந்த தண்ணியையும் மணலையும் இவனுங்களே லாரில அனுபிச்சாங்க. அப்புறம் உனக்கும் எனக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணினா மட்டும் எப்படி மழை பெய்யும்??????
அவள்: இதோ வரான் பாருங்க என் எஜமான். பரதேசி!!!! மனசாட்சியே இல்லாம அவ்வளவு துணியை என் முதுகுல ஏத்தறான் படுபாவி.
அவன்: கவலை படாதே செல்லம். அடுத்த ஜன்மத்துல நாம மனுஷனா பொறந்து, அவன் நம்ம மாதிரி கழுதையா பொறக்கணும், நம்ம கிட்டயே வேலைக்கி சேரனும். மவனே! அதுக்கு வால்ல வெடி வெச்சு கொளுத்தி ஓட ஓட விரட்டறேன்.
அவள்: வேணாங்க. நமக்கு எதுக்கு இந்த வீணா போன மனுஷ பிறவி. கொறைஞ்ச பட்சம் நாமளே நம்மோட இனத்தை வேட்ட்றதும் கொல்றதும் இல்லையே.
அவன்: நமக்கு இருக்கிற அறிவு இந்த கழுதைங்களுக்கு இல்லாம போச்சே.

இரண்டு பெரும் சிரிக்கிறார்கள்....சாரி....கனைக்கிறார்கள்.

How to win votes and screw people

One upon a time, my social science teacher wanted to check our level of focus in life and so asked each of us to explain our ambition in life. At that point of time (in early 90's) it was too much to ask kids who knew nothing more than timings of Chitrahaar/Oliyum Oliyum.

So as budding programmers, we basically copied and pasted other answers as our ambitions throwing a bit of reason here and there. If Ramu said he wanted to be doctor because he has seen his grandpa suffer, Shamu said he wanted to be a doctor because his mom said so. Since engineering was not as common aspiration as Nair's chaaya shop those days, we refrained from "becoming engineers" atleast in that class. I remember answering to become a pilot as I always had the fascination to fly...of course for free and heck get paid as well. Believe me, the part of accompanying beautiful air-hostesses struck me years later.

But as well as I remember, no one ever mentioned that he/she wanted to be a politician. Why would that be? We all know that politics is not a career as like Engineering, medical or Management. As much as clearing IAS is viewed as a matter of pride in the society, the sheer mention of "being in politics" pictures only one view.

Greed. Corruption. Gundagardi.

When was the last time you remember that you saw a politician's pic and telling yourself "That was a good man"? No no...rule out the man smiling on the rupee note. That was bloody ages ago. The things synonymous with Indian politics are scams, murder, party-hopping, goons, black money, inappropriate property, Binaami, Dharna etc. I guess I almost told every possible thing they get summoned to courts for in their political career.

Looking at the incident in Maharashtra where the amazing Raj Thackeray's chamchaas drove away job-aspirants and ranting that they "Want" 80% seats for locals, you wonder "WTF". So that means that you can be a Marathi by birth, produce a caste and birth certificate to prove so and walk all the way to get a government job by sheer right of your birth. Wow! Did you think that getting job was so f***ing easy?

And what happened after his goons did so? 6 people got arrested. So that’s it. Raj would never repeat it isn’t it? Hey, Mr Deshmukh. Didn’t someone tell you that the ball is in your court? And vulgarly I mean the "balls" you know (pardon the foul language people). Judging by whatever is happening there, I donno if anyone in your government has any.

Today he asks the "youth" brigade to rough "outsiders" when they come to write exams. So what’s the point he is trying to make? That the people of Maharashtra don’t have the competency to compete in an exam and get job? Isn’t that an insult to their intelligence? If today, he can beat outsiders to get their jobs, why do you think he won’t beat the locals tomorrow to vote for him? Well, so much for thinking and voting.

So what is wrong with us? We Indians love free stuff. The only thing we won’t (i hope) possibly take free is shit and acid. There is free TV, 1 rupee rice, free sarees, free notebooks. Where does the money come from? Who gives a f**k. We get it free, so shut up and get it. So what could be the next free item on Politicians agenda in the next elections?

Since we started with TV, the next step could be laptops and computers. And what if the oppositions decides to distribute HiPhone (iPhone duplicate :P)? Simple. Maybe the party guys will turn pimps and supply girls. Hey, don’t frown. You may see it happening sooner than you think. Bharath mein sab kuch possible hai baap.

Either way, I would to congratulate Mr. Raj. No. This is not about his terrific "achievement". It doesn’t take Nostradamus to predict that Mr. Raj will win the next election hands down courtesy local jingoism. That in turn may just lead to Raj "clones" in every other state who will turn the heat on "outsiders".

And a man of his word he is, I bet he will bring everything down to separate Maharashtra from rest of the nation....and that may just be the beginning of our end.

The Desperate Housewife

He: "I can't believe we spent 400 bucks on this useless piece of trash."

She: "Told ya. After all this guy made Dhoom. You can't expect him to turn out a Dark Knight for heaven's sake."

He: Yeah, I know. But then, what was I supposed to do? After all, we need to do something on Friday evening.

She: Well, for starters you could have taken my suggestion.

He: And what would that be? End up with something like Maama Mia or Aaja Nachle? Gosh, they had so many songs like Hum aapke hain kaun.

She: Wow. You remember it? I thought you dozed off midway through the movie.

He: I would have for the entire 2 hours, if you were not constantly nudging me and asking me to look at Madhuri's dress, costumes and glowing skin.

She: You didn't hear my suggestion yet.

He: You don't forget, do you? So what was your Friday bailout plan?

She: Simple. Order a sumptuous Pizza from Pizza hut and play the "Jab We Met" DVD on our home theatre system.

He: Didn't we do that previous month on some Friday?

She: You can thank me my dear husband. You were planning to watch 'Mission Istanbul'.

He: Damn! You remember everything. I donno why do these idiots keep making such stupid trash.

She: Because there are idiots like you who are prepared to pay and watch it. And there are innocent people like me who have to accompany without choice.

He: Look. What am I supposed to do? After all the boring work I do for 5 days in a week, I need some outlet.

She: Outlet? Sounds like you need some chimney fixed above your head.

He: No. Like, I need to see few explosions, few thrills, car chases, double-crossing, Villains getting bashed. You know that I can't do these in my real life for sure. Atleast lemme watch someone else do it.

She: Not late you know. I can atleast help you with the 'getting bashed up' part.

He: Looks like you have some plans of your own.

She: You betcha!

He: Now you sound like Sarah Palin.

She: I am not that dumb yet honey.

He: God, we need to travel so far back to home. Damn you Imran Khan!

She: Stop cursing him. He was okay. Besides, you got your fill. What do you care about?

He: What fill? There were hardly any thrills in the movie.

She: You could not take your eyes off Minisha's cleavage.

He: As if I designed her costumes. She comes half naked for the whole movie. What am I supposed to do? Cover my eyes like kids?

She: Like you did when you went to Rangeela ?

He: How do you know that?

She: Your mom told me.

He: See. I have been such a good kid back then.

She: Don't bluff boss. She saw you watching Urmila's non-existent dress through the gap of your fingers while you maintained your act of being 'holier-than-thou'.

He: Oops! Should I call it busted?

She: So tell me? You could not stop staring right?

He: Look. It was unintentional. I went to watch an action movie. What can I do if a chick decides to skip wearing dress and the director turns out to be a sleazy bugger?

She: Quite right. Do you know that the couple next to us was sitting with their arms intertwined?

He: You should have told me. I would have suggested few good surgeons to consult.

She: Haa haa haa. Very funny. You were so romantic before marriage.

He: (mutters) next time, I should check for individual seats.

She: What?

He: Nothing. Next time, you sit on my lap and I will feed you an ice-cream.

She: You dont get it do you? You think that buying me a 5000 Rs Necklace or a costly sari or expensive Burberry perfume is going to compensate for the time I don't get to spend with you?

He: You tell me, what to do?

She: That's the point. There is little joy in getting things that I ask for. Greater joy lies in getting the unsaid wish list. For me...... and you.

Both remain silent for another 30 mins. They reach their house and she opens the door and almost slams it.

As she enters, she is astonished to find a huge portrait of theirs in the hall.

She looks at him and is at loss for words.

He: I remembered you looking at the portrait that day in the photo studio. Thought it would be a nice surprise.

She: But how did you do it?

He: Let's keep that a secret. Otherwise I can't do something like some other time.

She: Tell No. Pleaseeeeeeeeee.

He: (takes her in his arms and whispers) Women and secret. They never go together.