Jill Endru Oru Kaadhal

Gautham was bored. With a flick of the remote control he muted Tony Greig who was cocky about Sachin's return on the field. The match didn’t look like going India's way and disappointedly Gautham switched the TV off and headed to their bedroom where Kundavi was preparing their 6 year old daughter Aishu for the math’s test next day at school.

Not willing to disturb them Gautham went to the other bedroom and just lay there on the double bed. He remembered then that his distant cousin had asked him the project report about the suspension system in the car that was designed in his company sometime back. Gautham searched in the loft above the bed and after half an hour he found it in his old suitcase which looked as if it hadn’t been touched since ages.

There Gautham found something that he had not opened for long.....his personal diary in 1997. He had got rid of that habit long before and now he felt tempted to open it. He even remembered the date that he knew he wanted to read.

Dec 26
Jill Endru Oru Kaadhal

Today was the third day of our Shimla trip. While the rest of our collegemates had gone to the Jakhu Temple, I and Aishu eloped to Kufri and decided to try our hand at skiing. Shimla is cold and it feels colder if you have come from somewhere as hot as Chennai. I was horrible at skiing and she was as usual graceful. I tried something acrobatic and fell awkwardly spinning 90 degrees. Aishu laughed harder till her cheeks became pink.

"STOP SMILING AND STOP LAUGHING" I yelled.

Aishu was stunned. She had not expected me to be happy, but not yelling at her of course. I went near her and touched her smooth cheeks and almost spoke in a whisper "Don’t Smile Aishu. Your smile is powerful enough to melt the icebergs. Do you think that my little fist sized heart and this poor Shimla can handle it?"

Aishu smiled as her cheeks became red and hugged me even harder. Whoever said that Shimla was cold must have been single...and not in love.

Gautham closed the diary and heaved a deep sigh. He was happy that Kundavi had not seen this diary. He didn’t have the courage to burn it or shred it to pieces. He had to keep the diary safe somewhere from the reach of everybody....like her memories in the corner of his heart.

Tell me your dreams

There is a very thin line between fact and fiction and I seemed to have barged that line so much that even a real account into my dream life seems like my stupid stories. So I decided to double the dosage and torture you all with another account of my dream life.

The trouble of having lived in various places is that you know many people and you never know who amongst them is going to knock in that night. At times I get to see my first crush who was a Gujarati girl when I studied in Gujarat in my dreams...and suddenly she would knock me cold by talking in Tamil. For so long I used to think that in our dreams we could be the Hero/heroine and nothing could go wrong. It all got wrong 3 days before.

It was a dream where I was a devious, evil and calculating fella. I did evil things which I couldn’t have had done in my real life. The climax of the dream was worse. Yeah yeah....thats the trouble of being a movie fanatic. All that my dreams don’t have are songs, Interval, Pop corn, Samosa and Inji morappa. Some times I even get to say Punch Dialogues. In the climax it is revealed that I have Multiple Personality Disorder. I fainted in my dream and woke up in real.

If you thought that I could not have imagined worse, wait for more. My favorite recurring dream/Nightmare was the Exam dreams. Exam dreams? Yeah. Whenever I used to go to my home after my semester holidays, this exam dreams used to bump in at least 10 times of those 30 days. It’s a dream where I would go to the exam and screw it up one way or other. Either I would forget my hall ticket, or drafter, or would be in the hall of EEE's for a thermodynamic exam and so on. I don’t remember a single instance of having finished my exam in my dreams.

The worse one was when once I entered into the exam hall and got my question paper and was filling the details in my answer sheet. The invigilator madam came to me and looked at me from toe to head. I had a big Bata shoe, Nike socks.....and a towel. She looked disgustingly towards me as if I looked like the innocent school boy in Shakeela movies. She dragged me by my ear (thank god towel was spared) and I was close to tears as I kept telling her that this was my last semester, that I had got placed, that I had a family to support. Uhummmm....no chance. Madam was in a supreme foul mood and threw me out of the hall as Captain Vijaykanth does to his Pakistani Villains.

Shocked I woke up and didnt know where the hell I was for 2 minutes. Then I realized that it was July and that I had passed and had got all my certificates and was waiting for the company guys to call me up. You cannot imagine how much relieved I was to realize this at 3 AM.

Anyone of you has got anything to make me feel better?

Lage Raho

It was cold and my hands got numb. If it was gonna be so cold in September, I wondered that I should have my will written before November. I was the only soul walking on the deserted road at 6.40 AM and the people in car looked at me as if I was nuts. The bus arrived at 6.50 AM and I buried myself behind "Harry Potter and The half Blood Prince" which I had booked weeks before and got 3 days before. Harry's dilemma about Ginny Weasely was interesting and I wish I could take a day’s leave and finish it off.

"Reading Potter?" she asked.

She must have been 23 years old. At about 5.6 inches (excluding her 1 inch heels) she must have weighed around 125 pounds and had an athletic build. She was wearing a White shirt with a floral design in the center and a Black pant. Her features were sharp and she had high cheekbones and deep set eyes. She seemed to have applied some mascara around her lashes and lip gloss which made her lips look like Jolie. Her hair was curly (brunette) and perhaps always wet (Is that Livon?).

"Mind if I sit here?" she asked.

The hell I was gonna mind. The evening 5.30 bus was crowded by the Indian gang just to get a glimpse of her. Nobody of us knew her real name and so code named her as figure. Apart from the Driver and a few old ladies, rest of the men could hardly take their eyes off her. She sat near me and I could smell her Lavender perfume inspite of my esnophilia. If I were to take a female version of Axe spray, she was gonna play the title role.

"You always read books. Dont you?" She asked. I was surprised that she had noticed me. To Hell with Potter I thought and closed it.

"Yeah. Always wanted to be a writer...but the closest I came was to writing those stupid Status reports" I wondered if I could have given a dumber answer. Desperately I wanted to impress her and remarked "I think that the fire alarm in your floor is disabled. Isn’t it?"

She made a face which suggested that she didn’t understand what I was talking about. I smiled and replied "Well. I figured it out as if someone HOT as you is seated beneath it, then they better disable it."

She was surprised and laughed aloud. The middle aged man seated across us turned red with envy. As I was about to introduce myself she stopped laughing and spoke aloud "Machchan...dei Machchan". Hearing her speak chaste Tamil in gruff voice looked worse than the dubbed movies on Vijay TV.

"Dei Machchan....ennada pandra?" Oh Man. What the hell was happening? Damn, she knew Tamil. All these days and we had been passing comments over her head. Oh my god...she was gonna call the cops next. Shuddered I remained speechless staring helplessly at her.

"Machchan...Today is status call. You need to go to the office soon. Wake up man" my roommate was shaking me up and I gave him my best look of contempt. I wanted to strangle him, tie him, kick him...but hopelessly I could do none.

Hmmmmm...not just in real life...even my dreams get screwed up.

Enlightened

It seemed like a writer's block. He was not able to concentrate and zero on one idea and it was increasingly frustrating as the day progressed. He thumped his fist on the table showing his displeasure and it echoed across the silent room. He was happy that his readers would never find out that a writer of his caliber also suffered from lack of imagination put gently as writers block. But it all changed when he saw her enter the room.

She was wearing a white colored sari bordered in red. She wore bangles which matched the color of the border of her saree. The room was filled with the music of her payal which sang as she walked. The vermilion on her forehead and the big round bindi gave her a divine look. He was surprised that the bindi looked romantic when she laughed and made her appear like Durga mata when she expressed anger. But then he had never seen her angry. She was an ideal house wife who never questioned the income of her husband, had raised 3 girls, looked after the elders, and cooked fresh fish bought from the bazaar. What else could one ask for?

But today it was different. She was holding the lamp close to her face and it increased the aura around her. Instead of feeling love towards her, he felt a deep sense of respect. She was the one who ran the family and was responsible for its happiness. And who takes the credit? The outsiders simply say "Babu?Babu ka kya? He runs his family so nicely". He had never given her any credit in any of his works and she never demanded him for it as well. Infact he hardly asked her opinion in any matters. Or did she have one?

He decided that this time he was going to compensate for all his ignorance. She realized that he was looking at her as he had never seen her before. She asked "What happened?"

He "Do you mind if I write a poem in your honor?"

She smiled and didn’t reply. She thought that maybe he was flattering her for fun and left him alone in the room. He took his pen and connected his two chain of thoughts-one from his life and another in his novel.

Bankim Chandra was happy with the final result and titled his masterpiece as BANDE MATARAM. Little did he realize that 100 years later his ode to motherland will be used as a weapon to create hatred among his countrymen and gain political mileage. May his soul rest in peace in the thought that all the evil plans have been sabotaged.

வேட்டையாடு விளையாடு

ராகவன் மெதுவாக கொட்டாவி விட்டான். இந்த துன்பமான நேரத்திலும் மனிதர்ளுக்கு கொட்டாவி வரும் என்று அவனுக்கு தோன்றவில்லை.வாசலில் இருந்த "அரசு மருத்துவமனை" என்ற எழுத்துக்களுக்கு சுதந்திரத்துக்கு முன்னால் வர்ணம் பூசி இருப்பார்கள் என்று அவன் கணக்கு போட்டு கொண்டான். பக்கத்தில் செல்லும் டாக்டரை பார்த்தபொது சின்ன வயதில் தானும் கோட்டு போட்டு வெஷம் கட்டியது ஞாபகம் வந்தது.

ம்ம்ம்ம்....ஒழுங்காக படித்திருந்தால் அவன் நண்பன் கோபால் போல் குறைந்த பட்சம் வாத்தியாராவுது ஆகியிருக்கலாம். இப்பொழுது பார்க்கும் மெக்கானிக் தொழிலில் வரும் காசு லாட்ட்ரி சீட்டு கூட வாங்க பத்த மாட்டேங்குது.

"யாருப்பா ராகவன்?பெரிய டாக்டர் கூப்பிட்டாரப்பா" என்றான் வாசலில் இருக்கும் கம்ப்பௌண்டர்.

"வணக்கம் அய்யா " கும்பிடு போட்டான் ராகவன்

டாக்டர் "என்னய்யா?உங்க அப்பாவா அது காலைல இறந்தது?"

ராகவன் "ஆமாங்க. இறப்பு சான்றிதழ் வேணும்ங்க. அது இருந்தாத்தான் மத்த நடக்க வேண்டிய சமாசாரம் எல்லாம் பார்க்க முடியும்"

டாக்டர் "சரி. சுத்தி வளைச்சு பேச வேண்டாம். ஒரு 1000 ருபா குடு. இப்பவே கைல சான்றிதழ் வாங்கிக்க".

ராகவனுக்கு கொபமாக வந்தது.இத்தனை துன்பமான நேரத்திலும் குடும்ப தலைவரை இழந்து இங்கெ இவர்கள் சோகத்தில் இருக்கும் பொழுதும் ஒரு மனிதனிடம் இவர்கள் பேரம் பேசுவதை நினைத்து அவனுக்கு வெட்கமாக இருந்தது. இந்தியன் படத்தில் சொல்வதை போல் "மத்த நாட்டில் கடமை மீற தான் லஞ்சம் வாங்கராங்க, இங்க மட்டும் தான் கடமை செய்யவெ லஞ்சம் வாங்ராங்க" ஞாபகம் வந்தது. இவர்களூகு நல்ல சம்பளம்,PF,மரியாதை,சலுகைகள் எல்லாம் கொடுத்தும் இப்படி ஏழைகளை இவர்கள் சூறையாடுவதை நினைத்து இவன் ரத்தம் கொதித்தது.

டாக்டரின் டேபிளில் இருந்த கத்தியை எடுத்து யோசிக்காமல் சதக் சதக்னு குத்தினான். டாக்டரின் வாயோரமாக வழிந்த ரத்தம் பார்த்து குரூரமாக சிரித்தான். அவனுக்கு அந்த கத்தி எடுத்து ஏதோ பரசுராம அவதாரம் போல் தோன்றியது. அந்த ஊரில் இருக்கும் போலிஸ் அதிகாரி, பஞ்சாயத்து தலைவர், இலாகா மந்திரி, சட்டசபையில் இருக்கும் அமைச்சர்கள், மந்திரிகள் இப்படி லஞ்சம் வாங்கும் எல்லாரையும் வதம் செய்ய வேண்டும் போல் தோன்றியது. வேகமாக அவன் தன்னுடய சூரசம்ஹாரத்தை செய்ய புறப்பட்டான்.

"தம்பி..தம்பி..உங்களை தான்.எங்க வேடிக்கை பார்க்கறீங்க. நேரம் ஆகுது இல்ல. சட்டுபுட்டுனு காசை கொடுத்துட்டு மத்த வேலையை பாருங்க " டாக்டரின் குரல் அவனை அவன் நினைவலைகளை விட்டு பிரித்தன. வாசலில் இருக்கும் அவன் அண்ணனிடம் காசு வாங்க வெளியில் வந்தான்.

டாக்டரின் வாயோரம் வழிந்த ரத்தத்தை நினைத்து தன்னக்கு தானே சிரித்து கொண்டான்.

Everything is Illuminated

Maathangy was very busy. She was watching Tom and Jerry and coloring her crayon book. From time to time she checked if Tom got outwitted by Jerry or not on her 25 inch Philips color TV. She could not change the channel as her parents had put a child lock on the rest of the channels. But then they thought that was the best they could do to protect their 7 year old daughter from watching something insane and vulgar on the idiot box.

"Maathu kutty" her dad Prakash came from office and kissed her on her cheeks. Seeing her grow fast Prakash wondered if the LIC policy that he had been paying annually would be enough to spend for her marital expenses or would go of in the air as Dowry for some stranger who may own her for life. He knocked those off his mind and realized that he had something more important to discuss with her.

"Maathu. I got a letter from your school today." told Prakash.

Maathu looked up from the elephant she had been coloring in green color and questioned him with her expressive eyes. Prakash continued "The letter says that you contributed Rs.500 to the UNICEF fund. Did you get the money from mummy?"

"No daddy. I took it from my savings." said Mathu.



Prakash remembered that it was the plan he and his wife Priya had taken to explain the power of saving money to Maathu. They would deposit Rs.5 daily in a piggy bank in her bed and she was instructed to spend the money on anything she liked after a period of time. 6 months before she had bought a small doll for her mom's birthday from that money and surprised them immensely. But this was something different.

"Maathu. Do you know how much Rs.500 means?" Prakash asked without raising his voice.

"Yes daddy. It is enough to buy a tap and install a part of the hand pump in poor countries. Malini miss told us in the presentation." replied Maathu.

"But Maathu. You cannot spend your money like this. We gave it to you to spend it for yourself."

"Daddy. Remember that day we were watching TV and an old uncle in the TV said that if we donate some part of our wealth, we will go to heaven". She was referring to a children’s program on Disney Channel and Prakash wondered how much of an impact it had made on her. Danm Disney he thought.

"Its still wrong Maathu. You cant just hand it over to somebody like this when they ask. 10 or 20 rupees is fine. But 500 is too much Maathu. Those people who ask money can be crooks and bad people. Remember next time, some one asks you money for something, you have to ask Mummy and Daddy" Prakash finished sternly.

Maathu seemed disappointed for a minute. She didn’t look at Tom and Jerry and was coloring in blue outside the border of elephant’s body. Everything seems illuminated in the light of life and Maathu may realize it sometime in her life.

"We are not going to heaven, are we daddy?" Maathu questioned Prakash.

He could not realize if he was wise or her. Prakash pretend not to hear her question in the rising volume of the Tom and Jerry show.

The Unreleased version

(A Sneak preview into Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehnaa's unreleased version)

The Mercedes stopped with a screeching halt outside the palatial house. Shahrukh (SRK) and Preity got down from the car and walked without any reaction inside the palace. While rest of all the NRI's crib at the very idea of a moderately priced apartment for 1200$ (shared by 4 people and with one year lease), Johar's NRI's resided in palatial bungalows which could make Lord Swaraj paul and Tycoon Lakshmi Mittal feel like beggars outside the Vadapalani temple. But then this is a Karan Johar movie and so everything is blown out of proportions, be it the story or the characters or events.

"Come in SRK!To kahiyae...kaunsi Lifeline use karna chaahenge aap?" Amitabh spoke in his huge baritone.

"Dad..this is Karan's movie and not Kaun Banega shooting." nudged Abhishek nearby.

"Oh.Sorry. You see I am an old man. Can be messy at times. Let's start with the dinner." Amitabh invited. A beaming Rani enters late and sits opposite to SRK and gives him her gorgeous smile. "How handsome and clean shaven he is" thought Rani to herself about SRK and wondered if she could present a shaving kit as Birthday gift to hubby AB Jr. As usual it was a needlessly very big dining table which could include the whole Indian cricket team with substitutes, physiotherapist and coach and there were only 5 of them seated. SRK wondered that the Italian chandelier above them must be worth some 10,000$ and wished how good it could be if it could fall on Preity.

The dinner was served by some maid dressed royally enough to pass as heroine in a B-Grade Movie. Women in Karan Johars movies were always shown wearing Manish Malhotra designer saris, bejeweled by Kirtilal Kalidas & Co and were never shown cooking with the possible exception of Super moms Farida Jalal and Kiron Kher. Men were never shown going to office and always wore Armani's and Raymond's except Amitabh who had a contract to fulfill with Reid and Taylor.

"I am not happy with this mmmmmmmmarraige" stuttered SRK. Amitabh had seen SRK stuttering since his serial Fauji days and wondered if he could make him speak with some pebbles stuffed in his mouth. He wondered how come the public llllloved him do this idiotic crap movie after movie.

"What's wrong with you?" asked a shocked Preity looking indirectly at Rani

"I am in love with someone else" said SRK and started crying.

Rani could not believe herself. Her worse suspicions were confirmed and she wondered how could he cry so well with such less glycerin. Infact apart from the star's astronomical salaries, huge movie sets and extravagant songs, the next big budget was reserved for gallons of glycerin. Except the producer everyone else was crying after the movie and it was even suggested to distribute free hand kerchiefs to the movie going public.

"I cant live with you anymore. I am leaving the house with my lllllove" said SRK.

Everyone remained silent for a second and wondered if this climax would work or not. SRK stood up and walked to Rani who didn't know how to react. SRK kissed AB Jrs cheeks (because lip kissing would be cut in the censors or protested by Shivsainiks) and said "Let's go Abhi. We can't live with these hypocrites anymore."

They walked towards the exit door as Amitabh suffered a heart stroke, Rani and Preity happy enough to trade them even for Vadivelu.....and lived happily ever after...perhaps.

P.S: I thought that since Karan Johar has become so 'sensitive', why not he be asked to make a desi version of BrokeBack Mountain :-)

Kabhi Alvidaa Naa Kehna...

Read first part here

Check Has to be me's version here

He was shocked to see Sowmya with her husband and kid. It was serendipity and Sagar could feel that Sowmya could read his feelings.

"Hey Sagar. How are you?" asked Sowmya casually.

Sagar gave her a faint smile and they boarded the flight to Kolkatta together. They sat separately in the flight and Sagar was racing his thoughts as how could he avoid her as they were going to the same conference in Kolkatta and were going to be stationed in the same hotel. Not all went planned for him as Sowmya met him again in the dinner table in the hotel with her 5 year old son Deepak.

"Where is your husband?" asked Sagar

"Sagar. Don’t you know that we have been divorced 3 years before." said Sowmya.

Sowmya described how their professional lives had taken toll in their relationship and when she found that her husband was having an affair with his colleague, she put her foot down and called it quits. The divorce was settled amicably with Sowmya winning the custody of her child. She was working now in Bangalore and was in Chennai for a corporate meeting. Her ex-husband was married now to that colleague and incidentally she had run through him the airport today.

After 3 days of the conference Sagar had become best pal with Deepak who seemed to enjoy his company. Sowmya also empathized with Sagar's life when she heard about Asha. They reached Dum Dum International Airport amidst silence which was occasionally broken by Deepak's banter. Sagar got his tickets and stood staring at his wrist watch as if he was expecting some delay.

"The flight 1710 from Kolkatta to Chennai is bound to leave in 10 minutes. We ask passengers to check in" shrieked the announcement. Sagar looked paralyzed and bade good bye to Sowmya and Deepak. Sowmya too felt as if much had been spoken and still left blank between them. She turned to go her terminal and walked a few steps when she heard footsteps running towards her.

It was Sagar who puffed and panted and said "Sowmya...Will...you...marry...me?"

Fighting her tears Sowmya smiled and hugged him. Sobbing she asked "Why so long Sagar...and why here?"

Sagar "You know it Sowmya. I am sentimental."

P.S: Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. This whole story is based on a real incident that happened in Dubai :-)

Kabhi Kabhi

Sagar was bored. Neither Mukesh's Kabie kabhie playing on his ipod neither the John Grisham on his lap managed to keep him occupied.

"Flight No 1721 from Chennai to Kolkatta has few technical problems and we expect an hour’s delay in the schedule. We apologize for the inconvenience caused to you" beamed the Rasagulla in the stewardess dress. Somewhere far he could see a woman crying on the shoulders of a man with lot of luggage. Must be newly married and traveling he thought.

This reminded him of Sowmya. Sowmya. Technically speaking she was an archived record in his memory database. It popped up at times and reminded him if some of his pleasant youthful days. Sowmya and Sagar had been in the same colony for almost 20 years and had been family friends. Sagar had a soft corner for her and was waiting for an opportunity. After his graduation Sagar got an offer for an interview and he was at the airport with Sowmya. Gathering all his courage he told her.

She smiled. Sagar was never so happier in his life. His happiness doubled when he got the job and he knew that everything was well set. But then that would be a perfect love story, isnt it? The demons of caste, religion, status and ego made sure that their love was buried deep in the cemetery of life. They parted as friends with each deciding to themselves that they would never see the other for the rest of their life.

10 Years had rolled by. Sagar heard from someone long before that Sowmya was married to some guy and had a kid. He had seen their marriage photo in his friends’ house and he had to say that her hubby was smarter than him. He did feel jealous. Sagar too got married to Asha and they had a daughter. Asha passed away in labour and Sagar felt as if he was carrying some curse where everyone close to him perished. Despite his parents constant nagging to remarry he had resisted it and managed to raise his daughter with their help.

"Excuse me." Someone broke his thoughts as he realized that his bag was in the middle of the pavement. He got up and removed the bag and apologized.

He was shocked to see Sowmya with her husband and kid.

Ok. I know the ending. Lets see how you people can take the story ahead.
Start the music :-)

Confessions of a Dangerous mind

"Drugs, Diamonds or Dollars?" the General asked as if all the 3 were legitimate to carry.

"How about all the 3 in equal proportions?" I said.

Who am I? I am Yuri Varlov. Into my late 30s and with medium build and receding hairline, people say that I resemble Nicholas Cage. I am a dealer. No no...not the ordinary dealer you happen to meet around. I am an arms dealer. Oh...you despise me right? Well that’s your personal opinion and you can do that. I may have failed academically but I passed the school of life with honors as I knew how to make a quick buck. I had always wanted to make it big in life and wanted to make it soon. What better than transporting and supplying illegal arms?

In my childhood I always wondered as to why did these people needed to fight and cant say truce. But as I grew up I understood that this truce would only be acceptable by the common people, but would hurt the political bigwigs. You cannot imagine the amount of money each country spends in a war and how much the heads of government’s and arms dealers like me make most out of it. Once when a friend asked if I had any guilt for this, I shot back "My bullets are better than alcohol and tobacco. At least they have a safety switch to turn it off." But I always had a rule. I supplied guns and left the place after getting paid immediately. The last thing I wanted to see was to see someone use it to kill someone. Chicken hearted aint I?

Today I came here in Africa to supply guns for the first time to some crazy dictator who had managed to rule with an iron hand for long time. My Kalashnikovs we handled by kids who were just about the same height as the guns. Just as we were having negotiations, the 10 year old kid of the general took the gun to a far by tent and shot a kid about 6 years old in the head. He laughed and said that he was testing the gun.

The dead kid was about the same age as my son. I felt a knot in my stomach and left as soon as I could. The amount of guns that I supplied to such small countries in a year was the same that big nations as US, UK, France, China and Russia supplied to some nations in a day. Ironically these 5 nations are the permanent members of the UN Security council. God bless the world.

I reached home and went to my son’s room and kissed him good bye while he was asleep. In the table nearby I found a Smith and Wesson .38 type toy gun. I took it in my hands and looked at them for a long time. Without any rhyme or reason I started to cry and angrily threw the gun into the trashcan nearby. Just then my phone rang and it was the same General.

"Mr. Yuri. We would appreciate if you could supply us 200 more 'Angels' (code name for AK -47) the next week. Is it possible?"

"No problem" I found myself saying that without hesitation.

But then I knew that even if I turn into a Jesus or Mahatma and abolish my gun trade, these silly wars are not going to stop. If not me, then someone else will take my place and supply these goodies. What a slimy bastard I had become.

P.S: Inspired from the movie Lord of War.

Whats Cookin?

Believe me, being Vegetarian is a curse. And if you land up in an alien land, its even worse. Right from my college days there have been various attempts by my friends and enemies alike to thwart my resolution to stay a veggie. My gang of friends excluding a few hapless souls as Srini and Maaps were strictly non-veggie and so I was used to people lurking around and tempting me. The offer varied from a muttai dosai to a free Chicken 65 or whatever you call it.

The very earliest attempt was made in the year 1987 when I was rushed to a doc by my parents. For one and only time in my life I was thin and the doc looked at me as if I was this famished kid from the slum. He asked my parents to feed me with eggs and fish which of course got rejected flatly. Afterwards I blew to such a huge size that if I had blown in the same proportion I might have been in the Sumo championships.

The simplest solution offered to me on landing here was...start eating chicken and eggs. I have been asked at times if being veggie had something to do with my religion or if like filmy moms or like Gandhi’s mom, my mom too had made me take some vow or that stupid sort. Nope. The reason is plain and simple. I just want to stay veggie just for the heck of it. If you can’t even control your taste buds, what would you do when you are faced with greater temptations(you know what I mean)?

The first time I had my lunch here in Burger King, this was the conversation between me and my roommate
Him: What do you want?
Me (After searching for half and hour in the menu and finding nothing): I will get a veg burger.
Him(to the waiter):Get a chicken burger and a veggie burger without meat and sausage.
Me: Dei, Its a veggie burger rite? Why do we need to say it in particular
Him: You need to or they will add it.
Me: Do they have lot of cows, chicken and lamb in their backyard that they throw it in veggie stuff as well?
him: Dei, You have no choice. Either eat this or start cooking.

Ooops. Cooking? Apart for my culinary skills, cooking was as much alien to me as intelligence was to Bush. Determined I came home and got my mom's cooking diary and got everything ready to make sambhar. After 15 utensils, 1 1/2 hours and tons of patience later...the sambhar turned to a dal. Enna kodumai Saravanan idhu?

Unfazed I tried the next day and this time, I got it right. The journey continued with rasam, Kootu, veg Biriyani, Bisibelabath and so on. Cooking became fun and I was enjoying my new experiment. Well, I shouldnt say that, but I have been a better cook as I would be the first person to throw the food away if its awful and I am still alive after eating self cooked food after a month.

Well, that adds one more reason to break my eligible bachelorhood. :-)

P.S: Completed one year in Blogsville. Thanks to Srini, Vijay and Vani for inspiring me to start it. Some of the favourite ones I blogged are The Grudge, A stupid story, a Drama,a candyfloss, ஒரு புல்லாங்க்குழல் அடுப்பு ஊதுகிரது and so on. Thanks to everyone who has loved and hated me :-)

Cant say a word

"I want you to get the photos of the new Mayor by tomorrow." said the chief. It was Friday night and there were very few workaholics in the office.

He nodded and walked outside the hall. He saw her on the far side of the office and wondered what she was typing so furiously. Curious, he tiptoed near her and looked at her. She appeared beautiful in the business suit and the dim lights of the office seem to accentuate them. What the hell, she appeared cute to him every day in every dress.

"Not going home?" She asked and broke his glance.
He: "Just got to work on an article the chief asked to finish. You?"
She: "Have to go. Kind of bored"
He (hesitant): "Well..by the way..Are you busy tomorrow?"
She (surprised): "Are you going out anywhere?"
He: "Well...just wanted to ask."
There is a moment’s silence which both don’t break. He takes off his spectacles as she looks outside the office at the skyscrapers. In his heart of hearts he wishes that she could identify him without them, but alas that doesn’t seem possible and he himself doesn’t want to happen.
He: "Ok. Time to leave. See you later. Good Night Lois."
She: "Good Night Clark."

He walked outside the building and cursed himself again. What was the point in being a Superman when you cant even tell what you feel like to the girl you love?

P.S: Superman or Sappaman. The situation and the outcome are not much different :-)

Vegas - Show me More Money

This is one wicked city, which is just active at night. Everywhere people are out and by 9 PM you have fireworks. Reason? Yaarukku teriyum. Seems these guys celebrate Diwali everyday. The whole city is draped by lights and we were just wondering what must be electricity consumed on a whole as if we were going to be next Power ministers down there.



You can find Beer bottles in every other bus stop down there. Half of the guys down there look to be on dope. One guy was on such high dope that he came to near the huge fan and called me MJ and ask me to shake a leg. Now that’s a hell lot of a dope :-).



There were 2 women sitting outside a complex and the cop comes to us and winks and says that they were practioners of the oldest profession in the world. You could find them anywhere and everywhere in Vegas. Everywhere on the street you can find their photos pasted on the walls with their "assets" and phone numbers. One girl wore micro shorts, which I remember was even short than my Boxers. Infact you neednt go to the strip clubs as much of it was outside as well.



There were huge casinos and people furiously played there. I expected some James Bond type setting there but seems that it was reserved for the million dollar babies and not for the 10-dollar poor folks. We went to huge tower called STRATOSPHERE TOWER. We boarded the lift and by the time we wondered where to, it were on the top of 109 floors. I got reminded of my office elevator at that moment. It must have been installed when elevators must have been invented. It is so slow that I enter clean-shaven on the ground floor and end up with stubble on the 9th. Sometime during presentations I carry a razor set to shave during the "journey".



From that tower you get to see the whole of Vegas. For people who have fear of heights...don’t look down from the glass panel. There was a guy who was drawing caricature for 10 bucks. We decided to give him some test and approached him. He drew Shaggy and Jithu but refused to draw mine. The reason he offered was it was against his professional ethics to draw a cartoon on a caricature. After a lot of convincing and cajoling he drew it with a What-a-dogs-life kind of look. There was more crowd near him than the glass panel as people wondered if he could really complete such a Mission Impossible. The only thing everyone didn’t do was giving a standing ovation after he completed it.

To avoid any unnecessary heart attacks and calamity I have the photo locked in some numbered locker in the Swiss bank :-).

Praying with anger

5.30 PM. Mumbai Church gate railway station. The unnamed man was standing facing the train. He had eyes which were hazel and looked like he was an insomniac. He had a 3 day beard and must be in his 30's though the pain in his eyes suggested that he had been living for ages. He had no name and no religion and hence no god. To him the only god who made sense was money and he knew that the rest of the whole world prayed to their respective "gods" for the same. He clutched the leather bag on his shoulder very tightly and the tension in his mind weighed much more than the contents in that leather bag.

He got into the train and slowly and steadily dropped the bag and with his feet moved it under the seat. He noticed the irony that the person seated just above the seat looked like his father...who was killed in the Godhra riots. He looked at the harmless faces of his co-passengers and wondered each ones train of thoughts. Near him was a middle aged man holding some sweets and a doll for his 3 year old kid. Seated next to him was an old man who seemed worried about his unemployed son. There was a lady on the far side who clutched her 4 year old daughter. Near her sat a nun who had her eyes closed and was praying something. If she was praying for heaven...little did she realize that this unnamed man was going to make her wish come true.



He didn’t have any remorse or guilt for his actions. A well read man that he was, he wondered at the stupidity of human race. For centuries humans have been fighting on the name of wealth, power, land, women and god. All we humans need is a reason to mutilate our fellow human being. He didn’t expect himself to be caught for at least sometime. He knew that the blasts would be followed by the usual round of "Condemning" the actions, some blame game on neighboring nations though this may be an insider’s action, an enquiry committee which will go on for years and whose outcome will be a 1000 pages of report which wont even put a fly to jail let alone the political bigwigs.

He walked down the next station and waited for the time to tick to 6.05 PM. The Agent had promised him Rs.100000 extra if the blast happened in the station and not in midway. A master of his profession that he was, he had set it for the same. He never bothered to ask the agent the name of his beneficiary as it meant nothing to him. With this money he should be able to book tickets to Dubai and settle down there. This country was no longer safe to live.

Vegas - Show me the Money

There is only person who is most revered in Las Vegas.... Benjamin Franklin...the guy smiling on the 100$ note. The bottom line is that if you have lots of money with Benjamin on it and have 3 days to spoil yourself (I think 3 days should be enough)..Vegas is all yours. When I told my Manager that I was going to Vegas he winked and said "Enjoy".



The great weekend started right in the Los Angeles airport when I landed there almost 2 Hours late of my scheduled time. The greetings of "Eppadi irukeenga" "Baagu unnara" "Kem cho" "Kya haal hai yaar" were predominant than "Howdy" in the airport. Some Americans looked confused and wondered if it was LAX or the Dum Dum or Anna International. India Shining :-).By 11 PM Jithu, Nattu and Saini arrived and we were escorted straight to Vegas by Shaggy. Vroooommmmmmmmm.



After one tin of Soda (meaning Pepsi) and some air conditioner the condition did "deteriorate". We got near a Freeway and thought of freeing ourselves but as luck would have it, the door to the rest room read "Employees Only". Jithu and me went close enough to signing a contract :-) At 4.30 AM we arrived at the great Gambling city of Vegas. Perhaps Gandhi's visionary freedom for women exists here, as they seemed carelessly wandering around at that hour.

After catching some 5 hours of sleep, we were back to business. It was freaking hot in Vegas at about 118F. As David Letterman said "It was so hot that Angelina Jolie decided to adopt an Eskimo". Thanks to Jithu's expert advice I was carrying a Jerkin. Besides the clown in the Great circus I was the only idiot in the whole Vegas with a jerkin. After eating something (I didn’t know anything about it except that it was something veggie) we went around, but it was so hot that we decided that the room was a much better place.



The city contained some replicas of famous monuments around the world as the Empire State building, Eiffel Tower, Status of Liberty. Since this city is all about lust, Taj mahal was missing. Vegas looks best at night and that’s when the life begins here. Wanna know more? Stay tuned.

I believe I can fly

One of the nicest thing about life is that it throws us a pleasant surprise when we least expect it to happen. Just when my weekends were dull and boring, I chanced upon a great opportunity. Seems that the company folks decided that the people over here had worked (?) a lot and needed some break and so arranged for a trip to an amusement park called Six Flags in Massachusetts.

The cute gal on weather commission predicted some thunder showers and I thought that the weather gods may be up to something as insane as Arjun Singh, but thankfully it wasn’t to happen. The moment I saw those huuuuge rides I was back to my normal brat self. I skipped breakfast and lunch just to make sure that I don’t end up drawing any modern art paintings (meaning puke) on somebody’s dress. The rides were excellent and one of them had a drop from 225 feet to 70 feet. Voila...it was fun.

The ultimate fun was reserved for the end of the day. It was partly Bungee jumping stuff and the moment I saw it I knew it was for me. For long I had wanted to do bungee jumping and this was an opportunity on a golden platter. When I let the rope go and swayed in the air for a free fall...the effect was mesmerizing and ecstatic. Just like the last scene in Gladiator where Maximus remembers his wife, kid and his country, I remembered my parents, brother, friends, Manager, 3rd std Maths teacher, 8th std English teacher, the first girl who said "You are cute"(Liar Liar)...boy...it was fun.

I traveled in all the deadly rides and was every angle imaginable from 0 to 360 degrees. Like bugs in Microsoft applications, I was on every other deadly ride. One of my colleague got curious and asked me if I had a twin.

I promised him that I would enquire about the same with my father :-)

Coming Soon: Mask in Vegas, Universal and Disney land. :-) :-)

Nandoo - The Sweet Rascal

It happened on a July 03. The holy god decided that the life on earth had been very boring, quiet and dull. To add some spice to everybody's life - he created NANDOO. Nandoo- the Ultimate entertainer.

Nandoo - Good
For those who are not familiar with Nandoo, let me give you a sneak peek into his little life. He is a born entertainer. While the rest of us relied on the gift if our gab for every presentation, Nandoo had an extra weapon - his wild imagination. He could collect the right picture for any topic given and his presentations were always outstanding. Whether it is the award winning paper presentation or the presentation for the kids at the destitute home, each had the stamp of Nandoo's creativity.
Nandoo could think out of the box. During the college cultural when we decided that we would lip sync a scene from Alaipayuthae, he gave the corniest idea and the whole college loved it. He gave just what the people wanted.

Nandoo - Bad
Nandoo is a born prankster. I am surprised that he doesn’t sport horns on his head like the Onida kid. Once we had been to a college for some cultural and the following is the way he answered a quiz.
Q. Who is called China's sorrow?
A. You
Q. Who is the world's richest man according to Forbes?
A. Me
Q. Who was crowned Ms. Universe in 1994?
A. Your Aaya.
In better sense we left the name column blank and that’s why we are still alive blogging :-)
At the outset he is a jolly good fella, but something that many people don’t know is that Nandoo REALLY gets angry. I remember Maapu was once studying something (I guess it was DSP) at an unearthly hour (meaning before the semester exams :-)) and when I asked why he replied "Nandoo Thittuvaan".

Nandoo - Ugly
Nandoo is a spendthrift. Give him a million dollars and he will tell you a plan to finish it in a day. I guess the only people who enjoy his support in this regard are the Credit card people.
In his childhood Nandoo was taught the principle of Forgive and Forget. Since Nandoo was gaping shamelessly at the girl next door he only heard the word Forget and follows it faithfully to date. We would go out somewhere and he would ask me "Where is the bike key?” It’s just that his stars have been good that his pulsar is still on road with him.
Nandoo has lost 4 mobile phones till date. The first time we had argument for a day as which mobile phone to buy. He bought a Sony 210 model for about 10K and lost it in Bangalore. One thing I have noticed about people who lose their mobile is that once they lose one, the next model is most probably a Nokia 1100. I guess Nokia can advertise it as a Loser's Mobile (pun intended). When Nandoo lost his 4th mobile successfully (?) he called the Airtel guy.
Nandoo: Hi. I just lost my mobile phone. Can you please lock my number xxxxxxxxxx.
Airtel: Yes Sir. I will do it. And I am sorry to hear this.
Nandoo: It’s ok. It’s not first time I am doing this. By the way this is the 4th mobile I have lost.
I heard that the guy fainted and was out on a week's leave.

Please join me in wishing Nandoo a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Long live Nandoo and long live his pranks :-).

Finding Neverland

Movies are of 2 types. They are either meant to entertain you or move you. Unfortunately the ones made now are made in secret joint venture with the pharmaceutical companies to increase the sales of their headache pills. The only move possible is you move even before the ending credit rolls up. Today I found a movie that was an exception....a glorifying one. FINDING NEVERLAND.

For those who have never heard about this movie, this is in short about it. J M Barrie was a famous author whose play had flopped and panned as well. He finds himself in what is called as a writer’s block. He comes across a family of a widow and her 4 sons....the most interesting of them is PETER. Based on the adventures with the boys that Barrie has, he writes a play called PETER PAN, which is about a farie who would never age, and his chronicles.

I know what you are thinking. So what’s special in this movie? Imagination. Just turn back time and think what you imagined when you were a child. Didn’t we all imagine flying? A world without gravity, without any school, without the strict math’s teacher, without any homework. A world where plants have chocolates as flowers, where candies could grow on tress, where we could fly as high as we want and do what we like. What happened to that innocence?

The present generation of children seems to have been robbed of their innocence. I remember my friend telling me that one of his young relative once mentioned in the beach "hai…fan maadhiriyae kaathu varadu illa?". Pity that children are made to attend computer courses, play stupid video games and kick karate in vacations and not explore what lays around in this beautiful world. I have no doubt why we all starve for someone as J K Rowling to imagine for us as in Harry Potter.

But on the other side, when I happen to stroll by the shopping mall near my house, I smile to myself when I see children playing happily on their perambulators. I envy them as well, as I as a kid never had a perambulator and I wonder now I am too large to be carried in one at present. There was kid at this Disney toyshop that was running around picking everything he could and throwing it around. I could imagine how his father must have been so fit for his age. But isn’t it amazing the amount of energy we had as kids? I remember playing cricket from morning till evening in Gujarat at about 42 Degrees. The previous month I gulped 2 cold drinks and 2 buttermilk packets after just an hour of walk in the mottai veyyil of Chennai.

So tell me....what was your Neverland?

What's in a Name?

This part of the blog is brought to you by my Client manager. Ooops...before you decide to confuse yourself that the one you are sitting before is an idiot box or a comp, let me clarify it. The whole germ for this blog was born when my client Manager addressed me.."HARRAASH". Holy Crap!!!

Now take a tortoise coil and revolve it before your eyes and travel back in time mahine. Yup...you guessed it. We are now switching on to the flashback mode. Long ago (not very long though) when i was born, my parents decided to christen me as HARIHARAN and did so. But I guess that they were clairvoyant enough to understand that I would be a singer good enough to invite all donkeys in neighbourhood and so decided not to mess up with Gazal ustad and playback singer Hariharan's name and so shortened it to Harish. To make matters little more complicated, my parents gave birth to my younger brother (which I don’t mind) and named him Girish (I do now). From all my relatives to my neighbors people had this huge confusion of Who is Harish and is he the elder or younger one.

As if the confusion was very less, my school principal included my grandpa's name with mine and there all hell broke loose. My name became CHELLAM HARISH NARAYANAN in all my official records..from mark sheets to Visa, my name has been mutilated.
Have you ever counted the number of blocks while entering your name in the passport or any other form? No? I did. Every time I saw some blocks to enter my name, i would growl and enter it as if i were signing my death warrant.

Infact I was asked this question in my interview
Interviewer:"So tell me your name?"
Me: "I am Chellam Harish Narayanan"
Interviewer: "No No. I am asking YOUR name"
Me (bulb glowing above):"Well, I am Harish. Chellam is my Grandfather and Narayanan is my father. (pause)You see, i am a literal sandwich between my pa and Grandpa."(Smiles from interviewer)

Apart from my name i have been addressed as the following
1. Haathi, Aalu - This was in North India when i looked like Yoko Zuna's desecdent
2. Ice - Usually kids of 2 or 3 years end up sounding COOL
3. Soda butti - Humiliation for a herediatry defect. Now wearing glasses is a fashion. Damn!
4. Takkali - My school senior referred me for my chubby cheeks.
5. Harris - Thank you ohmahazia Harris.
6. Harry Potter - Other than spectacles and lack of girlfriends, we are nowhere similar.
7. Mandu - College adaimozhi. Price I paid for my stupidness
8. Chellam - My teammates love irritating by calling me with this. Someone would yell "Chellam...inda error eppadi solve pandradu??" a la Prakash Raj. Sorry Grandpa :-)

Well...I have no qualms about being called anything as long as it sounds respectful. Ore oru kurai thaan. Enda ponnum vandu "Chellam...I Love you da" solla maatengra. :-) (Aasai dosai)

Alice in Wonderland

"What am i doing here?" Naveen asked himself for the umpteenth time. The place he was standing now was something new to him and he had never been to one before. He had come here because his roommate had persuaded him to do so..and now he didnt know what to do.

He looked grimly at the lady next to him and she gave him a cold stare which was enough to scare him to death. His friend came running around and ordered "Dei..Take lipgloss from that shelf"

Naveen "Whats that?"

Friend "LipGloss yaar..dont you know what a lipgloss is?"

Naveen gave him a i-have-just-landed-from-mars look and his friend gave him a are-you-gay stare.

Naveen was still wondering what was he doing in the Women's clothing and intimate wear section in the Mall.

P.S: Anda paava patta Naveen naan daanungo :-)