Hollywood Calling

By our special Correspondent-
At a time Hollywood has been plagued by rising budget costs, shooting salaries of superstars and Box office duds, it has discovered an unnaturally odd and cost effective ally in one movie industry - Kollywood (a small part in Southern India).

Recently few of the top Hollywood producers were alarmed when they discovered that their worst movies like Van Helsing, Epic Movie, and Son of mask were being replaced by movies from Kollywood. These worst movies were often being used by the American soldiers in the Afghanistan war where they showed them to terrorists as a means of non violent torture and to extract information. When someone suggested a few movies of some Kollywood stars the authorities discovered that the response time to extract information had become faster than before.

Unnamed sources confirmed that as of now 3 movies had been used predominantly in the torture camps. The maximum time a prisoner sustained was when he survived a full onslaught of Vijaykanth's Narasimha. The third movie lined up was Ajith's Aalwar but it was not used as the inmate succumbed halfway through T Rajendar's Veerasamy in the scene where Rajendar and Mumtaz try to make love in a bath tub filled with half liter milk. Apparently it was discovered that he had an aversion to animal porn and so he succumbed on witnessing that gruesome scene.

Sensing the potential of these stars, Hollywood has offered these stars a range of choices. Vijayakanth or Captain as he has been called for unknown reasons was offered a remake of THE HULK. But since Marvel's Stan Lee suffered mild attack after seeing the trailer of Sudesi, the idea has been changed and a remake titled BULK has been commissioned coinciding with the Actors huge stature. The changes made have been that instead of Green the monster will be black (CGI costs cut) and the location will be Chennai. Since no CGI will be used, the character of Dr Bruce banner has been omitted from the script. Sudarmani Jetty, a top brand of free size undergarments is endorsing the movie (see poster up close for more details)

Another Hollywood producer who was impressed by Vijayakanth's Kick ass action was the Paramount chief. Under huge pressure to continue the Mission Impossible series without Tom Cruise, he was impressed and immediately gave a go ahead for MI-4. It has been rumored to be a remake of VijayaKanth's earlier hit Narasimha. Fearing him to be the next target, 007 Daniel Craig has renewed his contract with Sony MGM for another 4 movies with huge salary cuts before any of the Sony bosses chanced to see Vijaykanth's action flick.

Another notable actor in this race is a 'bear'ly look able Vijaya T Rajendhar. He has been operating as a one-man industry for the past 20 years by serving as Director to Janitor in all his movies. Halfway through a sneak preview of his latest blockbuster Veerasamy, Universal bosses understood his potential and have booked him to remake a new cost effective version of KingKong titled as Ding Dong. Universal bosses appear very happy with TR and are angry that Peter Jackson (the original director of KingKong) failed to identify him and instead wasted millions of dollars creating a fake animal when they had one in heir midst.

Since the original heroine Naomi watts seemed scared of real bears, TR opted for his first (and only) choice in bombshell Mumtaz. The only concern of producers on seeing her was that the costume costs may sky rocket as they would have to kill millions of cocoons for her wardrobe, but TR assured them of her 'best' performance in the movie. Animal Planet, WWF and national geographic have come forward as strategic partners for this movie.