முரண்

சத்தியமாக சொல்லவேண்டும் என்றால் எனக்கு இந்திய வானிலை அமைப்பின் மீது துளி கூட நம்பிக்கை இல்லை. ஏன்? அட உங்கள்ளுக்கு தெரியாததா. "நடக்கும் என்பார் நடக்காது" பாடலுக்கே சரியான எடுத்துகாட்டு அவர்க்ள் தானே.

ஆனால் இன்று அப்பிடி இல்லை.

இன்று காலை அவர்கள் அறிவித்தது போல் வெய்யில் வெறித்தனமாக கொளுத்தியது.மண்டை மேல் அடிக்கும் வெய்யிலில் உண்மையாகவே பகலில் நட்சத்திரங்கள் தெரிந்தன. என் அம்மா அப்பா ஏதோ சாதாரணமாக ஊட்டியில் தேனிலவுக்கு வருவது போல் நடந்து வந்தது எனக்கு கூடுதல் எரிச்சலை கிளப்பியது.

"என்னடா உனக்கு இப்படி வியர்த்து கொட்டுகிறது?" என்று என் அம்மா கரிசனம் காட்டினாள்.

அக்கடானு வீட்டில் "சிரிப்பொலி" பார்த்து சும்மா சிரித்து கொண்டிருந்த என்னை இப்படி சுட்டெரிக்கும் வெய்யிலில் கொண்டு வந்து சுகம் காண சொல்கிறாள்.

இன்னும் அமெரிக்கா குளிர் பழக்கம் விடலையா?" என்று என் அப்பா கூடுதல் நக்கல் அடித்தார்.

அமெரிக்காவிலிருந்து வந்து ரெண்டு நாட்கள் ஆகி இன்னும் ராத்திரி பகல் நேர வித்தியாசமே எனக்கு புலப்படவில்லை. அதற்க்குள் என்னை இங்கே திருச்சியில் ஒரு முதியோர் இல்லத்துக்கு அழைத்து வந்தார்கள். திருவானைக்காவலில் ஏதோ ஒரு முலையில் இருந்த அந்த இல்லத்துக்கு வருவதற்க்குள் என் சட்டை தொப்பறையாக வியர்வையில் நனைந்தது.

"வாங்கோ வாங்கோ. சௌக்கியமா இருக்கேளா? அம்பி யாரு, உங்க முத்த பையனா?" என்று ஒரு பாட்டி குசலம் விசாரித்தாள். என் அம்மா என் முழு ஜாதகத்தையும் விநியோகம் பண்ணிவிட்டாள் என்று எனக்கு புலப்பட்டது.

"ஆமா. ரெண்டு நாள் முன்னாடி தான் அமெரிக்காலேருந்து வந்தான்" என்று என் அம்மா பிரசங்கித்தாள். நான் மழையில் நனைந்த கோழி போல் அவஸ்தையாக சிரித்தேன்.

"அம்பிக்கு இடத்தை சுத்தி காட்டுங்கோ". ஏதோ தாஜ் மகாலை காட்ட போவது போல் என் அம்மா சீரியசாக என்னை அழைத்து சென்றாள்.

அது ஸ்ரீரங்கத்து அக்ரஹாரத்து வீடுகளின் அமைப்பில் இருந்தது. அந்த திண்ணையை பார்த்தபோது மொருஞ்சாதம் சாப்பிட்டு உறங்க வேண்டும் போல ஆசையாக இருந்தது. உள்ளே சில பெரிசுகள் ரகசியம் பெசிகொன்டன. மேல் சுவரில் ஒட்டடை அடித்து ஒரு நூற்றாண்டாவுது ஆகி இருக்கும். சுவற்றில் பிள்ளையார் எறும்பு யாரையும் பொருட்படுத்தாது நேர்க்கோட்டில் ஊர்வலம் சென்றது. அங்கே இருந்த குழவிகல்லை பார்த்து ஆச்சரியமாக இருந்தது. அதை தூக்குவதர்க்கே சிக்ஸ் பாக் ஆப்ஸ் வளர்க்கவேண்டும் போல.

மேல் கூரை கிழே இருந்த கல் தூணின் மேல் நின்றது. அந்த கல் தூணிலோ அல்லது சுவரிலோ ஆணி அடிப்பதற்கு அர்னால்டை தான் அழைக்க வேண்டும். சென்னையில் நான் வாடகைக்கு இருந்த வீட்டில் ஒரு ஆணி அடித்து அந்த சுவரில் நிலா போல போத்தல் விழுந்து அந்த வீட்டுக்காரன் என்னை சுப்ரீம் கோர்ட்டுக்கும் ஐ.நா சபைக்கும் இழுப்பதாக மிரட்டியது ஏனோ நினைவுக்கு வந்தது.

அங்கே இருந்த ஒரு தாத்தா கருமசிரத்தையாக போஸ்ட்கார்டில் தன்னை இந்நிலைக்கு ஆளாக்கினவர்களுக்கு "நலம். நலமறிய அவா" என்று தனது பொய் கணக்கை ஒன்று கூட்டினார். முத்து முத்தான அவர் எழுத்தை பார்த்து என் கோழி கிறுக்கல் நினைவிக்கு வந்தது. அவர் பக்கத்தில் இருந்த சம்பூரண ராமாயணம் (சமஸ்கிரதத்தில்) பார்த்து என் பூணுல் விழாவில் ஒரு பெரியவர் வந்து "அம்பி அபிவாதயே சொல்லு" னு கேட்டு நான் அப்பாவியாக "அபிவாதயே. ஆச்சா மாமா?" னு கேட்டு உதை வாங்கியது ஞாபகம் வந்தது.

ரொம்ப நேரமாக என்னை பார்த்துகொண்டிருந்த ஒரு பாட்டி, சைகை காட்டி என்னை அழைத்து "அம்பி. என்ன படிக்கற?" என்று குசலம் விசாரித்தாள்.

வழக்கமாக "ஆத்துக்காரி வரலையா?" அல்லது "குழந்தைகள் (கவனிக்க, இது plural) எங்க படிக்கறா?" போன்ற கேள்விகள் கேட்கப்படும் என்னை, பாடடி "யுத்"தாக வருணித்தது காதில் தேனாக வந்து பாய்ந்தது.

"இல்லை பாடடி. நான் வேலை செய்யறேன்".

"வெளிநாட்டுல வேலை செஞ்சுட்டு இப்பொ தான வரியா?"

"ஆமாம் பாடடி."

"அம்மா அப்பா யாரு கூட இருக்கா?"

"தனியா இங்கே இருக்கா. சொந்த வீட்டுல இருக்கா."

"அப்பிடினா இங்கே இருக்கிரவாளுக்கும் அவாளுக்கும் ரொம்ப வித்தியாசம் இல்லை."

பாட்டியின் சொல் சுட்டது. கோபம் அனலாய் வந்ததது. கிழவிக்கு என்ன திமிர்?

ஆனால் நிதானமாக யோசிக்கும்போது வலித்தது. வெறும் காசு-பணம் மட்டும் உறவை பாதுகாக்குமா? ஆசையாய் பேச ஆள் இல்லாமல் எத்தனை நாள் தவித்திருபார்கள். ஆயிரம் முறை என்னை சாப்பிட்டியா என்று கேட்க்கும் அம்மாவிடம் நான் அதை எத்தனை தடவை கேட்டுகிறேன்? வேகமான உலகத்தில் யாரு அதெல்லாம் நினைத்து பார்க்கிறார்கள். அவர் அவர்களுக்கு அவர்கள் வாழ்க்கை, அவர்களின் போராட்டம்.

இந்த சுழலில் இருந்து மீண்டு வர என்னதான் வழி இருக்கிறது? நினைக்கும்போது நெஞ்சு கனமானது. விடை தான் காணவில்லை.

கிளம்பும்போது அப்பா கேட்டார் "என்னடா. நாளைக்கி காலைல பல்லவன்ல புக் பண்ணடா?"

"ரெண்டு நாள் இருந்துட்டு போகவாப்பா?"

என் அப்பா கண்களில் முதன் முறையாக ஆச்சரியம் மின்னியது.

Too Many Choices

"Lucky. Come for lunch" shouted Lucky's aunt from the Dining Table.

For as long as 25 years (that's all he could remember), Lakshmikanthan remained only Lucky's baptized name. Except for School TC, degree certificates and his resume, Lucky was the name by which he was widely known among friends and relatives. Infact not many of his class mates even knew his real name which he found out when they returned a letter addressed to him in his college days.

He had always felt lucky to be destiny's favorite child.

Until 2 weeks ago...it happened.

Lucky did not feel hungry and he was contemplating under what pretext he should avoid the luncheon when questions would be asked casually. Of course, everyone had their concerns and he could not blame them. And he also knew that they asked because they cared for him and only wished for his well-being. But given the current situation Lucky was in, it seemed as if everyone was nice to be nice. Infact, in his head, he ad-libbed everyone in Simon Cowell's voice - acerbic and mean. And it really drove him nuts.

Slowly Lucky rose from his computer desk which did manage to fit his 6 feet 1 inch tall frame. For someone who had celebrated his 27th Birthday sometime before, he looked somewhat heavy set. Consistent and more-than-necessary rounds of coffees, pizzas, Aaloo Parathas and Paneers ensured that Lucky looked like a traffic policeman dressed in mufti.

Replacing the professional attire of the neatly pressed Allen Solly pant was a Bermuda that barely held his paunch and made him feel like a pregnant Rhino in the vandalur zoo. He made a mental note to join the nearby gym which he had joined and quit 3 (actually 4) times before. Maybe that was one way to vent anger even if it was some innocent and harmless punching bag.

"I am not hungry now Aththai. Maybe I will eat later."

"It's already 1.30. By this time you usually have your second coffee break right?" asked his aunt.

There we go. Just when he wanted to forget it, she reminds him about it. Pissed and angry, but just good enough to conceal it, Lucky gave a wry grin which looked like "Oh-You-Are-so-smart" but in reality meant "Oh-free-me-from-these-morons". With that smile Lucky walked back to his computer room and sat staring at the computer screen just as any other day. 10 minutes later, Lucky's father knocked the door and sat beside him. That was something he admired about his dad and wished everyone had the same sense of diplomacy.

"Seems you are not hungry?" asked his dad.

"Yeah. Not much. I will eat later dad." assured Lucky. In his heart he knew that the later sounded just like those deadlines he gave to his once existent and demanding clients. 2 weeks ago thanks to the global recession, his company put a full-stop to his project and job which was obviously greeted by an exclamation mark, his questions were punctuated with apologies and hence there was a grand question mark looming above his very simple ordinary life.

"You are still upset about the whole issue?"

Upset was a very decent word. Of course, that was because his village-born-and-gentle-natured dad had always been the same gentleman as far as he could remember. Lucky felt like taking every possible glass article in the room (including his beloved computer monitor) breaking it into tiniest piece possible and laugh and cry at the same time. He wished he could buy some pink chaddis (as retaliation for his pink slips) and courier it to the gang of geniuses in Wall St. and the idiot statesman in Texas.

"Can't help it dad. But I will be fine." lied Lucky as smoothly as he could.

"What do you think about the impact of the whole situation on the country?" enquired his dad as if Lucky was Manmohan's underwear buddy.

It was quite complex and ironically simple to explain. Ravi explained how the IT and call-sector business had taken the Indian industry by storm and how it had attracted investors like Bee-hive in search of Rich-in-content and cheap-in-value talent. Salaries had grown to astronomical levels and lifestyle had changed. The average Indian could now own a house and car before he turned 30 and travel to foreign countries more frequently than they even visited their parents at their hometown (or old age homes if they were unlucky). Rents had skyrocketed and land and flat prices were possibly even higher than the ones in moon.

There were shopping malls, cineplexes, bars and pubs to cater to the elite. People believed to "work hard and party harder". No one questioned when the price of butter pop-corn was hiked from 25 to 35 Rs because they thought that to argue for it would be "cheap". Parents of girls with 36-28-36 figures had choice of US or Dubai or Europe grooms like some Crorepati question. Desi groom's applications were welcome only if they were Ambani or Advani's housemates. Swarovski and Gili were spotted frequently in marriage receptions unlike previous years when they could only be seen in their respective showrooms.

Not all was bad though as some people did spread the wealth by donating liberally (even if for the sake of 80G exemption). Economy was on the rise and women found better footing on par with men owing to liberalization. That did not stop them from being harassed or burnt for dowries, but still it was much better than before. There was a market to sell something and everyone was ready to buy anything.

Ironically, owing to the recession and the pink slips offered, many would have to wave good-bye to their AC cabins, fat pay-cheques and magnificent life-style. Worse, Lucky was not sure that he would even find any alternative job. The old adage that "What one fool can destroy ten wise men cannot repair" seemed perfectly true.
The final nail in the already buried coffin though was that at the correct marriable age, he was now without a job and not even in sight of one.

It was not like Lucky was afraid of change, but just skeptical about it. Change. One word that changed American election. He had been following Obama's progress and he always felt that he was the one. And when Obama got elected, Lucky followed his now famous victory speech. But it changed once he announced sops and restrictions, which like a domino effect ended up affecting his job. Lucky never thought that a single piece of treaty or paper could be so impactful. Maybe he might have done the same thing if he had been in Obama's shoes. But right now, he had to walk bare-naked and shoes seemed like history.

In short, Lucky's life seemed perfectly screwed.

Lucky's dad listened patiently and said "Come with me to the hall."

As Lucky sat on the sofa, his dad inserted a pre-recorded CD into the CD player. Seemed that CD players had even ventured in the remote village where Lucky's dad was a farmer and Landlord. His dad played a B-Movie from the 70's and it was utter crap from the first scene. The opening scenes gave idea to Lucky that it was a movie centered on the lost-and-found formula where the kids were lost in childhood and would take revenge once they reached adulthood. Of course, it would be filled with mundane jokes and some running-around-the-trees.

"Dad. I am in no mood to watch this crap" said a disinterested Lucky.

His dad however was engrossed in the movie and seemed as if he was waiting for some miracle to happen on the screen.

And that was when Lucky discovered....something...quite odd.

P.S: At this point, I discovered that the story…is in an interesting situation. It can go any way as per the whims and fancies of the author. So, what do you think should happen next? How can we take this story forward? Publish next part in your blog or mail me your thoughts on this.

Hope you have fun :)

ஜெய ஹோ

ஜெய ஹோ
தெருவில் "ஆஸ்கார் நாயகனே வருக"
மற்றும் "Slumdog Millionaire" சுவரோட்டி பார்த்து
காலை கடன் கழிக்கும் சேரிச் சிறுவன்

டிஷ்யூம்
ஹீரோ ஆவேசமாக சண்டையிடும் காட்சி
ரசிகன் கத்தினான் "தலைவா சூப்பர்"
டுப்பின் முகத்தில் பெருமிதம்

வியாபாரம்
ஒருவனுக்கு ஒருத்தி விளம்பரத்தடியில்
பேரம் பேசினார்கள்
விலைமாதுவும் கஸ்டமரும்

அவிழ்ந்த முண்டாசு
பாரதியின் பெயரில் பல்கலைக்கழகம்
விண்ணப்ப படிவத்தின் பிரதான கேள்வி
"என்ன சாதி?"

The Game Plan

"Why should we change the name of the game?" yelled the 8 year old.

"We should update it. Let's start with the name." said their 10 year old leader-of-the-pack.

"From now, we will call it Vakil-Police instead of Chor-police. The rules remain same. We run and fight."

All kids laughed.

"Run". The game had started.

P.S: Thanks to Nivi for the 55-Fiction idea. :)

7/10 - 2

"I want you to know something before we get married. I was in love with a guy in my college days and we were close to getting married."

"Well....So what?" asked Siddharth coldly.

(surprised)"So what? Is that your reaction?"

"Yes. Why do you expect me to react wildly?"

"Siddharth. I wanted to tell this to you many times. But every time we talked, I felt a deep connection to you. And I found myself procrastinating this....and it has come today. I don't want us to start our life on a bed of lies."

"Why do you think that it would bother me?"

"We live in a country of opinions Siddharth. Everyone might have different opinions on different issues, but the unanimous opinion in the issue of marriage is that the women should be the man's first love."

"You must be living in rock ages Shobhana. Any half-decent looking girl is chased by minimum 3-4 guys everyday on her way to home from outside world. Pardon my language, but admittedly we are a country of sexually frustrated citizens who lie to ourselves and the rest. You are beautiful and it is obvious that boys must have resorted to all kind of tomfoolery to get your attention. Infact I would have done the same if I had met you in my teenage days." (smiles)

Both smile but are still uncomfortable.

"Sorry to interrupt your dream Siddharath, but we still live in rock ages. You belong to the new-generation of city-bred, pizza-munching and accented English speaking group of educated punks. I don't even think you know that even today women die on account of dowry burns…and most of them are from your upper class society as well. Those who appear educated on the outside are still savage inside and the greater crime is that everyone walks scot-free."

Siddharth remains silent. Frankly, he never even bothered to think about it.

"Just because, we wear jeans and T-Shirts, drive cars and work doesn't change the popular mindset. We might be developing software for the next generation, but more than half of the population hasn't got past the independence era."

"Well....since you know that I am not from the usual crowd, I think we can put this issue to rest."

"But this is different Siddharth. I was in love with him as well."

"Everybody loves Shobhana. We are not living in Taliban regime if you count out the senas and sanghs. It is a free country and we are creatures with emotions. Everyone wants to be loved Shobhana. Love is not a matter of ability but opportunity. Given a chance, every one of us would fall in love. Some don't because they are shy to accept or because they cherish their ambitions or because of their circumstances. Safe to say that atleast 7 out of 10 people fall in love with some, but less than half of them are fortunate enough to walk hand-in-hand with the same people for their whole life."

She looks at him with a puzzled expression as he continues hesitantly.

"I loved a girl in my college days too."

"What happened then?"

"The same that must have possibly happened to you and to most other innocent fellow innocent of my dear country. Caste and religious differences. Is it the same thing with you?"

"Yes." She replies coldly with tears brimming her little eyes.

"Look. I didn't tell this to you, because apparently no woman wants to share her man. And I thought that sharing this news would....you know...make you feel alien to me."

"Frankly, aren't you bothered about my past?"

"Let's be practical Shobhana. Tell me, after a week what will happen to us?"

"We will share our life?"

"And?"

"Our joys...happiness...today and tomorrow."

"Exactly. We are going to share our today and tomorrow. The past is over and out. You and I have dealt with it and thats why we are here today. If I was bothered about your past, then so must be you about mine. Maybe it is written that we must be together. Maybe its a start that we must know more about each other and understand every little detail about us."

"But...marraige is different Siddharth."

"Marriage is same like any relationship Shobhana. Every relationship should withstand the tide of doubts and issues and must be firmly based on trust. The day we lose our trust on each other....it is over."

"What if we fight over this issue sometime in the future?"

"Now you know the skeletons in my cupboard as well. You fire back." smiles looking at her.

"Are you sure Siddharth?"

"Let me put it very simply for you. It is impossible to marry any man or women without a romantic past or a shred of love for someone else in their heart. The people who marry the only ones they loved are blessed...and not all of us are acceptably blessed. So...wisely let's make use of an opportunity that destiny has presented before us."

"I AM NOT PERFECT" said Shobana in between sobs.

Siddharth replied "Well...since you have told me your dark secret, I guess it is time I tell you mine."

He went near her, gently pressed his lips on hers and whispered.

"NEITHER AM I".

7/10

"You are sure you that she is the one for you?" asked Ravi.

"Yeah...she is gotta be the one." replied Siddharth.

"Dude. You know her for how long...maybe a month?"

"Yeah. Maybe less, but not more."

"And you have not even met her once?"

"When I was in US, my parents fixed the alliance. It was all web chat and phone calls and so on. And when I landed here, I met her at the airport."

"You gotta be kidding me man."

"Oh cmon Ravi. Don't make so much fuss out of it. You don't expect me to escort her all around chennai, eat bajji in the beach, drink cold drink with a shared straw and all that mushy-mushy stuff like in the movies. In today's busy life, almost half of the marriages happen on the fly. You think working people have all the time in the world to run around the tree and sing songs in foreign locations?"

"Look Sid. You are my best friend. I wish the best for you and nothing else. But I get a feeling that you should know what you are getting into."

"Oh cmon. Mom sent me her photo and I liked her. We talked few times and we seemed to like each other. I have come here on vacation, get my visa renewed, will get married, get her a Visa and go back to US with her. As Simple as that."

"Sid. This is not some goddamn project implementation. You have to spend the rest of your whole life with her. Have you even thought about that?"

"Yeah I did. And I think she is perfect for me."

"Oh you do? And what does she think?"

"I think it is a mutual admiration. That is why we are getting married in less than a week buddy."

"Tell me something Sid. What is her favorite color?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Just answer me. What is her favorite color?"

Siddharth paused. Infact apart from her academic details, family background and few childhood incidents which she recited and he half-heatedly listened over phone, he didn't know anything about her.

"Oh cmon Ravi. These are just general stuff."

"Exactly my point. These are general stuff about her that even her friend or her college mate could tell you. But you are going to be her life partner and you don't know these little details. Sid, life is all but a big collection of small moments of happiness. And these small moments are derived from the smallest details about the person with whom you are going to spend your life with."

Siddharth remained silent.

"You have to know if she prefers salwaar to jeans, she likes Ganesha or Vishnu, loves Shahrukh or Brad Pitt, plays cricket or tennis, wakes up early or late, prefers gold or silver, eats vadai or Pizza. Frankly, have you ever bothered to ask these?"

Silence.

"You were just talking about yourself right? Where you studied, where you work, your pay scale, your boring manager, your nagging client...all the blah blah was about you right?"

Silence.

"And when she told you something about her, either you were half listening and working on your comp or half-asleep on the way to bed. So precisely, you practically don't know a shred of information about her."

Silence.

"The truth is you don't know her Sid. I am not asking you to cancel your marriage. I am just asking you to make it work."

"So you are free today evening?" Siddharth asked Shobhana over the phone.

She was pleasantly surprised. Just for sake of tradition she asked her mom to go out with him although even she had decided that whatever be the answer she was going to meet him. She decided that it was now or never for her.....to tell him the truth.

Sid drove his Ford Esteem over to her office and picked her up. They exchanged pleasantries and she sat next to him in the front seat. They remained silent for most of the journey which was interrupted by the Radio Mirchi RJ with his old jokes and new songs.

She was wearing an orange color chudidaar with some rajasthani mirror work on it and a matching light green color dupatta. She had a small bindi on her forehead which was not big enough to warrant attention and not too small enough to be unnoticed. Sid was not sure if she was using Christian Dior or Mont Blanc as he was still not very much accustomed to women's perfume tastes. She had painted her toes with darker shade of pink which almost matched her black sandals. Possibly only women could think of all permutations and combinations of colors to bejewel their body.

Marina Beach.

He was coming to Marina after almost 2 years. In the mean time he had been to Hawaaii, Florida, Chaupati beach, but Marina was one place where he felt like home. It was home.

The smell of Mirchi Bajji and jasmine garland, the fake fortune teller who herself was not sure where her next morsel of food would come from, the balloon shooter who hoped that his customers miss as many as possible to stay in business, the paav bhaji and bhel puri waala who wondered when America's recession will come to an end so that their business would boom again, the kid selling chick peas to lovers (illicit or true or time-pass), the ice cream vendor, the Frisbee players, the beach cricket batsman who was wondering if the next ball would be a bouncer or full-toss, the traffic police looking for illegal couple to make some dough, the cargo ship which looked far across like smaller than a paper boat, little children getting wet in the waves without any shame or fear, adults just washing their feet and looking back regularly to check if their slippers were safe. The beach was so full of life and characters.

But that was not what Sid had come for. He wanted to talk to Shobhana and know her. Like most introvert men, he waited for the other person to start some conversation. He coughed and smiled at her. She smiled. Well...that was a good start.

Before he could open his mouth and talk to her she shot back.

"Siddharth. I have to tell you something."

He looked with an eagerness of a student facing his final year exam papers.

"I want you to know something before we get married. I was in love with a boy in my college days and we were close to getting married."

First ball. Clean bowled.

To be completed on Feb 13^th

Known and Unknown

All he had to do was close his eyes. But they refused to obey him. However hard he tried to close them, they seemed to be directed to one spot. It was hard to fantasize and comprehend what lay in front of him.

Here in the small bed, wrapped in a small cloth lay a part of his own. A piece of his body and soul. Someone who would be his inheritance. A shining beacon of rightfullnes, grace and radiating with divinity glowing within and outwards. The baby was sleeping. He was even afraid to hold him in his hands just having a stupid notion of "what if he slipped out of my hands".

It was ironical that inspite of having reached the age of 29, he had never held a kid in his hands. It was surprising to see someone almost 1/10th of the size of him and still feel almost hundred times love than for himself. But vying for his love
was the lady sleeping peacefully in the bed next to him. She was beautiful. Even in the half-moon light, her face had the serene beauty that could make the moon disappear behind the clouds.

The baby passed gas and he found himself laughing with his hands cupping his mouth. The baby then lay still. Motionless. Not a twitch. He grew afraid. He went near the baby and wondered if he should touch and awake him if he was sleeping or maybe summon the doctors. The baby twitched minutes later, what seemed like an eternity to him. And that was when it struck him.

What was it that had tied him to the child that was born a couple of hours ago? Love? Ego? Blood? At this moment he was prepared to lay his life for a kid, who had not even seen or known him, let alone remember that he was responsible for him.

Blood was indeed thicker than water. He thought about the thousands of parents who cried over their ward's dead bodies after wars. People who had lost their only hope of survival. Such people should have felt cremated alive.

He wondered about the thousands of people in poverty. He had not met many, but whatever little he saw of, made him ponder about the purpose of life. So what was life? Power? Struggle? Joy? Sex? Fame? Perhaps not. Life was more of a summation of
small obscure good deeds that would bring smile to the ones devoid of it. What was he doing here? What was his purpose of arrival on earth? He did not belong here.

It seemed like a giant puzzle's last piece had found and put itself in place. He walked out. Silently. Far away from her. Far away from the baby.

Far away....in search of himself.

-------------------------------------------------

She struggled to open her eyes. She had seen the baby just after it was born and then she passed out. She had no recollection of how long she was asleep. Must have been couple of hours. She was surprised to not find him. He was the most devoted husband any girl could have asked for and she was glad that he felt the same way about her. Reassuring herself that he must have been just near, she went near the baby.

The baby's feet were pink. She kissed its small toe. The baby twitched. But it did not cry. Maybe like some divine power, they seem to know and understand each other and so he chose to ignore making an issue out of her gentle kiss. She looked at his face. It had the same features of his dad although his ears were shaped out like her. He would grow out to be a wonderful young man.

Then she realized that he was not anywhere around. She left the baby sleep peacefully and walked with the little energy she could summon. She did not want to ask anyone about his whereabouts and panic them. She was a strong woman and she could
handle grief. But after almost an hours search throughout the palatial residence, there was no sign of him. He seemed to be everywhere and yet he was nowhere.

What wrong had she done? Was she not a good wife? A good lover? A loyal partner? She had done everything to the best of her abilities. And yet she was rewarded THIS. What would her son think about her once he grows up? Wouldn't he loathe her? What would her subjects say? That the king relinquished his throne due to his bad wife? It was certainly not a name she was prepared to live with.

Tears rolled down her cheeks. Just as it was about to drop from her cheeks down to the kid's face, she caught it with her hands. Perhaps, she still had a mission to live for in life.

-------------------------------------------------

Years later, the king who deserted his wife, Siddhārtha Gautama transformed into Lord Gautama Buddha.

She, Queen Yasodhara, turned into a nun years later and died 2 years before him.

But then, how many of us ever wondered or bothered about her?

News of Tomorrow

News of Tomorrow

Date: 06-Jan-2019

Politics

Pak Denies hand in Terror: India asks US to intervene

By our Special Correspondent

New Delhi: New Delhi raised alarm over involvement of Pakistan's hand in the latest bomb blasts in an electric train in CST station in Mumbai. Police nabbed a gunman who is identified to be former Pakistani Cricketer Ashid Shafridi.

I did it: Ashid confesses

New Delhi: Ashid was nabbed by the policemen immediately after the incident and he confessed his crime. The FBI has confirmed his identity. However, Pakistan has deleted Ashid's record from their local Cricinfo database and their national citizen's database and maintained that there are no records to prove that he played for Pakistan nor he is a Pakistani citizen. India and US have expressed surprise that Pakistan even has a database of its own.

Even though around 30 daily-working mazdoors and ordinary people have died in this incident, the Home Minister Mr. Khivraj Betil refused to resign. He has maintained that it requires atleast 10 foreign tourists or some Page 3 VIPs to be killed for an Indian Minister to resign from his incumbent post.

"Mummy…save me from Pakistan": Minister

New Delhi: India has as usual upheld its cry-baby status and asked US to intervene and question Pakistan's morality in this issue. Indian Minister Mr. Betil repeatedly trying calling his US counterpart from his extension but found no answers. He finally got hold of him once he gave a missed call from his assistant's mobile phone. The US secretary, who has been using a mobile phone for the past 25 years is reported to have quipped "What the f**k is a missed call?" to his assistants.

 

World News

We will find WMDs : Salin's promise

Washington: Meanwhile, US President Ms. Parah Salin has promised the UN that they will find the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) in Iraq by 2040. Apparently, she had to clarify what the heck a WMD was (just like her Republican predecessor Mr. Gush). She has vowed that once they find the WMD (and dry up all oil outlets), they will vacate Afghanistan.

Earlier today, the US authorities seized 2 sacks of butterbeans and black chana and had claimed that they be qualified as WMDs for their capability to induce humans to fart and pollute the atmosphere. The decision is still pending with the UN general body. Ms. Salin is also in consultation with her ministers to move the US capital from Washington to New Jersey, so that she can keep an eye on Iraq from her house.

Local Politics

Citizens to be trained by cricketers

Mumbai: Following the All India Terrorist Union's recent announcement that they would not claim responsibility for bomb blasts which kills less than 20 people, there has been terror alert in Indian cities.

Minister has claimed that they are taking help of cricketers to train people to catch and throw the bombs back at their attackers. Popular cricketers Bautam Bamghir and Ubin Rothappa who walked and scored runs in their heydays, have volunteered to help citizens to walk and catch bombs and throw them back. Popular cricketer Suvaraj Singh however offered to train female citizens.

 

Rape and Murder quota limit exceeded for MPs and MLAs: Bill passed unanimously in Parliament

New Delhi: The Indian parliament exceeded the murder and rape limits for MPs and MLAs. Earlier the rape and murder limits for MPs and MLAs were 2 and 1 respectively. But as per latest survey it was found that the MPs and MLAs expressed their dissatisfaction as they wanted the limit to be exceeded by 1 each. The bill was unanimously passed by all parties without any dispute. Once the bill was successfully passed in the morning, the parliament was adjourned in afternoon owing to poor attendance by MPs.

 

Vote Auction held successfully in TN: EC expresses satisfaction

Chennai: The EC expressed happiness over the first Vote auction held in TN by-elections. Under this scheme, the voter would stand outside the vote booth and auction his vote to the highest bidding party. MDK and AMDK stood outside the booths with truckloads of money and goondaas to 'convince' the voters to vote for them.

Meanwhile the MDK celebrated the first birthday of Mr. Asthamanidhi Tsalin's son Mr. KatchiNidhi. He has been appointed as "MDK's Toddler's association secretary". However Mr. Tsalin has rubbished claims about Dynasty politics in MDK and said that it was done in "Democratic" way.

 

Be warned: Taj's ultimatum

Mumbai: MNS (Megarashtra Napoonsak Sena) chief Mr. Taj Jockeray has "urged" his party members to spread Megarashtra spirit amongst people in the state. Taj has served ultimatum to immigrants from other states to learn to speak and write in Megathi if they wanted to make a living in Megarashtra.

He has asked his party cadres to henceforth take surprise oral and dictation tests on any suspicious non-megathi person across the state. If the person did not pass the test with "satisfactory" results, they would be deported on the next train to their respective states. The Supreme court has as usual expressed dissatisfaction and sent summon papers to Mr. Taj. The summon papers were reportedly used to clean Mr. Taj's assistant's children's private parts.

Cinema

Kajini's new movie

Chennai: Superstar Kajinikanth's new movie would be directed by renowned masala director Veerarasu. Veerarasu, who is having a golden run at the box-office, was summoned by the Superstar and apparently Veerarasu has told him a one-liner which seems to have impressed the Superstar.

Veerarasu's last movie with Sujay titled "Saidapettai" was a rocking success as it crossed 30 days across various centers. As Veerarasu has made movies with all the cities' name in TN, he is left with no choice but to use famous street names in TN. Rumor mills suggested that he might register the name "Kannamapettai" and the subject might be where Kajini will play the role of a young Casket maker. Veerarasu as usual makes a cameo (comedy) appearance as a dead body.

Popular yesteryear actress Tridevi's daughter Hanvi is tipped to play the role of Kajini's coveted heroine. Sources close to the superstar have neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. Kajini could not be contacted as he is on a spaceship to moon as Reporters seem to track him even in Hrishikesh Mountains.

Sports

We will win the World Cup: Tachin's new year promise

Mumbai: Tachin Sendulkar has promised Indian cricket fans that he will play to his best abilities to help India win the 2019 Cricket world cup. "Winning the world cup has always been my childhood dream" said the 45 year old cricketing superstar.

Indian team captain Mhd Nishasuddin (former captain Bajaruddin's son) has expressed confidence that Tachin's presence helps the team mates walk out with confidence. Chairman of Selectors, Mr. Dahul Ravid has expressed his support for Tachin while former Indian team skippers Boney and Senguly refused to comment on the issue.

Socha na Tha....

To be frank, it came like a bolt from the blue sky. Once I got the link from good friend Nivi, I just decided to try my luck and sent 3 stories from whatever junk I had written.

The day I received mail that one of my stories was getting published, it took me some moment for the whole truth to sink in. "HOLY COW!!!!!" I yelled. Thank the lord I was not in office at that time, otherwise my Client manager must have thought that there was a fire breakout in the office. The sheer thought that my work is getting published in midst of people whose works makes mine feel like LKG rhymes is pretty hard to describe.

I wrote that story about 1.5 years before and had almost forgotten about it. But it is one of my personal favorites and was also my first attempt at writing a big story. I am thankful to my parents who grew me amidst Tinkle, Amar Chitra Katha comics etc which helped love reading stories. I also thank Ms. Arti for publishing this story and giving me a chance to live my dream.

I am also thankful to the Indian Educational System for encouraging me to write huge stories in form of answers in examination Question papers. I have killed so many living people, made Alexander rule Bihar, appointed New York as the capital of the US, boiled water in experiments where it should have been frozen, defied escape velocity, collapsed benzene. The less I talk about Maths the better for you all :P.

Last but not the least, I am thankful to all my fellow bloggers and readers (whether they commented or not). All your comments, flowers, brickbats have helped me evolve from a writer whose work did not even get published in his school diary.

So all ya interested folks can view the details here and order the book here and I am sure that you wont be disappointed :)

Hope and little Sugar

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."
- Tagore

Its going to be a new year. Life might not be as kind as this kid's innocent and mischievous smile.

But what the heck.....Gear Up!!!!!!!!

Life is calling. Live life zestfully...as if there is no tomorrow.

Happy new year. :)

Look, who’s talking?

Him - "Can you bring me some water please?" (Thinks "Damn. Why does this guy Dravid playing so slowly even in highlights?")

Her - "Yeah. Just a minute." (Thinks "Idiot! Can't even get up from his place and fetch water.")

Him (after 2 minutes) - "Hey. I asked for water 10 minutes before". (Ha! How lazy and unresponsive people are!)

Her - "It's been just 2 minutes. Done exaggerate." (Either way your TV time is screwed after 10 mins.)

Him - "Damn. This guy is so slow." (Oops. Another 10 mins and she will be glued to the saas-bahu-pati shit.)

Her - (As if he is like Roadrunner. Don't think he even played street cricket. All Indian men are the same. Score Ducks on field and turn expert commentators at home.)

Him - (What the heck! I will get water myself.) (Gets bottle from the fridge in the kitchen.)

Her - "I was going to bring water for you." (Good. Maybe I should regularly follow this strategy regularly.)

Him - "Yeah. I know." (My parents pierced my ears when I was 2 years old.) "I just did not want to disturb you." (How about some flattery eh?)

Her - "Hee hee. So sweet" (Dude! Mine too were pierced when I was 1. So just stop bluffing.).

Him - "You want remote so that you can watch Ms. Ekta Kapur's rona-dhona show?" (Either way this guy Dravid is a bore. Atleast I can get to watch some nice chicks in the serial.)

Her - "No its fine. You hardly get time to watch match. Enjoy it today." (Ha! I know what's on your mind. I can live with the re-telecast episode tomorrow.)

Him - "So nice of you. But it's seriously ok. You can go ahead." (Oh C'mon! Just say yes)

Her - "It's ok. You enjoy." (Well...you are caught and bowled honey.)

Him - "Ok. Then I will switch over to the news." (Oops. Am I in the wrong house? Or am I with the wrong Woman?)

Her - "Whatever you like." (Oh God! How many times do men have to watch news in a day and give the same reaction when they play the same news?)

Him - "Oh Damn! Sensex down still? Stupid Americans." (Oops. What will happen to my shares?)

Her - (See what I am talking about? The sensex is down for so long and still he gives the same reaction every time he sees it. Men!!!!).

Him - "Ok. You can enjoy your serial." (Atleast this is better than self-blood-pressure-raising news.)

Her - (after watching for 5 mins) "Oh God! Savitri's sister ran away? What a disgrace." (Oh God! Why test Savitri behen so much?)

Him - (smiles) (See this? She feels for her as if Savitri was her own sister. Why do women get so much attached to their serial characters? Women!!!!)

Her - (Looks at their kid laying down eyes open in the mattress) "Why is JuJu not sleeping today?" (Oh God! Not the Doctor!!)

Him - "Really? It's close to 10. He must be asleep now." (Oops! Not the Doctor)

Theirs - "Ga Ga Ga" (Hey!!! Go back to your business people. What do you think I am? Some freak show?)

Her - "He seems to have lost some weight, Isn't it?" (Must feed him more Farex from tomorrow)

Him - "Yeah. We need to feed him more." ( I must stop eating his Farex when I feed him from tomorrow.)

Theirs – "Gi Gi Gi" (Wow. These people are really worried. Let me try it some other way). (Starts wailing).

Him - "What the hell happened? Why is he crying suddenly?" (Oh Damn! Was I so annoying as well in my childhood?)

Her - "I donno. Maybe he is hungry. I will bring some milk for him." (Oh God. Now what?)

Theirs - (As they leave, he stops wailing) (Wow. This works. Maybe I should try it often.)

Her - "Ju Ju Ju Ju Ju! Eat this Farex my baby" (Hope he falls asleep for some time.)

Him - (Ah...the sweet smell and taste of Farex. Seriously, why can't grown-ups eat farex?)

Theirs - (blinks) (Oh ho! Seems this one backfired!!!!!)

Not a Bed Time Story

Guddu - "Tell me a story."

Munna - "Enough stories Guddu. Go to bed. Today is Wednesday and not Friday. You have to go to school tomorrow. It's already way past your bed time."

Guddu - "No. I will sleep only if you tell me a story."

Munna - "Do you know that rest of the 6 year old kids in this colony listen to their parents and elders?"

Guddu - "Do you know that the rest of the 6 year kids get their share of bed-time stories and then go to bed? Being elder to me by 4 years and with baba not around, you can very well take the responsibility. What say?"

Munna - You almost talk like grown-ups.

Guddu – Don't divert Bhaiyya. Tell no.

Munna - What story do you want? Ramayan? Chacha Chaudhry? Shaktimaan?

Guddu - Tell me about our Mother.

Munna - How many times you want to listen to that? I have told you that like some hundreds of times.

Guddu - So what? I am prepared to listen for another thousand times. Won't you do this for your cute little sister?

Munna - (sighs) What do you want to listen? The story of how she married Baba? Or how she made me wear Baba's old dress which was loose and all baggy? Or how she protected you from the neighbor's kid?

Guddu - Anything you like Bhaiyya. I just want a story.

Munna - Ok. Then here we go. But promise me that you will sleep after listening to this story.

Guddu - Promise. Mother Promise.

Munna - It was 12 years ago when they first met. Baba used to work in Murari kaka's shop and Ma used to live in the nearby colony. She used to come to the shop to buy groceries.

Guddu - Baba liked Ma from the beginning?

Munna - You have asked me this question so many times. Don't you know the answer?

Guddu - I just want to listen it from you Bhaiyya.

Munna - Yeah. Ma was so beautiful. She had the subtle beauty. It was like that of a morning mist transformed into a raindrop hanging on to the petals of the hibiscus flower. She had the smile of angels. Murari Kaka used to say that she was called "Colony's Madhuri Dixit."

Guddu - Do I look as cute as her?

Munna - (pauses) Yes Guddu. You inherited Ma's healing smile and charming personality.

Guddu - So then Baba told her or kept his love to himself?

Munna - Baba was afraid. Ma had not spoken much to him and they used to speak with eye-gestures.

Guddu - And then Baba told her one day.

Munna – Don't rush Guddu. I am getting there (ruffles her hair).

Guddu - I love that part when he screws it up.

Munna - Ok Ok. I will tell that. One day, he decides to tell her and so has "I Love You" written in Hindi in the news paper that Ma comes to receive every day.

Guddu - And the newspaper is taken by Grandma that day. Haa haa haa (starts laughing).

Munna - You know everything. Ok. Let me then go to bed.

Guddu - OK OK. I won't interrupt. You tell it.

Munna – That's better (winks). And then instead of Ma, Grandma comes in and takes the newspaper. Since Baba is not around, the newspaper is handed over to Grandma by Murari Kaka. Its just Baba's good fate that the news paper lands in Ma's hands.

Guddu - And then Grandma comes and shouts at Baba.

Munna – Yeah, but surprisingly Ma is very strong. She has also liked Baba and is very strong about that.

Guddu - And hence, they get married at Vaishno Devi temple. That's why I am named Vaishnavi. (smiles) But why do all of you call me Guddu?

Munna – That's because when Ma saw you for the first time, she said "Gudiya Jaisi dikhti hai" (you look like a doll) and hence we call you Guddu. (Ruffles her hair again)

Guddu - You forgot to tell that those were Ma's last words.

 

There is an awkward silence between them. Munna being the only one who had seen his mom, he could tell her anything about their Mother and she would believe him. It's not as if she would believe it, but it's because she did not have much choice.

 

Guddu - Bhaiyya. Can I ask something?

Munna - Yes Guddu.

Guddu - Ma left us in the government hospital after giving birth to me. Baba won't leave us no?

Munna - (hugs Guddu) Don't be stupid Guddu. It's just that Baba is late today. See, now he doesn't work at the shop. He is earning all by himself. It is to give a better life for us. To make us happy and help us study in a bigger school.

Guddu - I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to live without you and Baba. (Starts crying)

Munna – Don't cry Guddu. It's ok. Nothing will happen.

 

Just then, their neighbor Ganpat enters.

Ganpat - Munna. Did you watch the news today? Or say now about 30 mins before?

Munna - No. Raju Bhaiyya has gone out. And we all watch news at his house when he is there. Anything important?

Ganpat - (looks at Munna and Guddu) There was a shooting incident shown on TV.

Munna - (becomes terrified) Where?

Ganpat - (hesitantly) Near CST....where your Baba sells vada paav.

Munna – (gets terrified) What should we do?

Ganpat – It's been like an hour. We should go there and check....if he is there...or not.

 

Guddu starts crying. Munna fights back his tears.

Munna - Guddu. Promise me something. Don't cry. Nothing must have happened to our Baba.

Guddu - (wails loudly) I am scared Bhaiyya. I don't want to be here.

Munna – Don't worry. It will be all right. It will be all right. (pauses) Lets go Ganpat Bhaiyya.

 

Munna carries Guddu to Ganpat's house. In the TV news, flash news runs about the Taj Hotel bombing and a reporter is running helter shelter. CST Gunfire incident runs in the scroll below. The Common Man is not even bothered to be covered and the whole incident is hyped as if Page-3 celebrities and socialites are the only ones running the country. The cruel fact is that we live in a society which suffers from 'Chalta hai' attitude. The Common man is the spot of limelight only during the elections, otherwise for which he can die in train blasts, bomb-blasts, caste or state riots, landslides, accidents, lack of medical attention….which is pretty much to say is not a NATURAL CAUSE OF DEATH. At the end of the day or a week later, when this incident is buried amidst a new scandal or blasts, we celebrate and hail the 'Spirit of Mumbai'. Hypocrisy at its best!!!!!!!!

 

Munna watches the news and walks with Ganpat in search of his father. He is not sure if while returning, will he walk with him or will be carrying him on his shoulders….in pieces. He walks with lots of questions, lots of prayers, lots of anger…….and very little hope.

10. Honey, I blew myself!!!!!!!

Godzilla was right. Size does matter. But the hard part is that the tongue refuses to remain tied. Most of us give in to our taste buds and then look at ourselves in the mirror with utter disgust. But women....well...as usual they are QUITE obsessed with weight.

Your wife/GF could be akin to the zero-sized Ileana/Kareena kapur or be as huge as the mothership in 'Independence Day', but irrespective of that, women think that they are fat. Don't ask me why, but they do.

So the symptoms of this situation are very very simple. It begins almost casually while you could be watching TV or when youare dressing up to leave for some function. As usual, being lazy stupid men, we are ready in 10 minutes with an already 15 times worn pant and a oh-was-it-ever-ironed-before wondering shirt. On the flipside she might be getting ready in 30 mins(minimum). So you are there when she is dressing up wondering if it would ever get over and she is looking very gravely at the mirror as if she has seen the ghost in Exorcist or any Indian cinema heroine sans make-up.

All of a sudden she decides to hand over your Moment of Truth. "Honey, do I look fat?"

Now the normal way to make her happy is actually quite simple. You have to radiate an instant stupid smile like the Happy-Dent White guy and say "You are so fit that you should be on Maxim's list of Hottest woman in the world."

She would immediately laugh and shrug, hit you on your arms with a false anger and say "Liar" and turn away. But in those 5-10 seconds, she would picture herself to be on Maxim's cover with the same tag you blurted and your small stamp-sized picture pasted in the corner with the caption "I am the lucky bastard!".

Now how do we screw it up? I know you might not be very interested in this part, but trust me, this is bound to happen whether you like it or not. Its actually even simpler. There are 2 ways to do it.

You can just give a bewildered look that men usually give when they are on the verge of nature's call and are unable to find a loo. Just get back to normal after 10 seconds and say "No honey" and make sure your voice is so fake that a piano could fall on you. And if you want to give an impression as if Raja Harishchandra and you were underwear buddies, you can say "Hmm....not much honey. This is just baby fat. I would call you cute and chubby." I am not sure if you would be reciting the third line in normal tone if you survive her wrath after the first 2 lines.

Once you finish this excercise successfully, you are bound to get a call on your mobile which could go like like "Hi! You have just successfully screwed up your relationship. Congrats...if you are still listening...alive".

How to lose a girl in 10 ways? - Preview

Hi there. So I do seem to have your attention (assuming that you are reading), eh?

You took the bait didn't you? Ok Ok. Stop looking like a baby who has just urinated in his diapers.

I know what you are thinking. Usually when people read titles like "candle in the dark" or "How to screw politicians" and they are like "Oh man...not again". Seriously. After all the hard work we do, we want to be entertained. And it's not wrong because that's what everyone feels they are entitled to.

But for arguments sake, what would you think if I told you that I have this title just to retain your interest till this point? Ah....you feel as if I am playing with our mind.

The point is that after months of status reports, MOMs, mails etc, I think I might have lost my flair for language. Worse case, if I do try to write, I might end up sounding like Bush. And seriously, no sane man wants to sound like him. So this post might be on the irregular side with an informal approach and face-to-face talk.

So why this topic? Look, first, it's interesting. Boys would be like "Show us tips to hook them mate. Either way we don't need your advice to screw it up." and girls would be like "Huh. Even god and our parents don't understand how we work. Who the hell is this guy to say he understands us?"

But still, you might stick just for the heck of it. Come on, if you had been disinterested you would have decided to shift your mouse to the right handed corner of screen and bring everything to rest in peace. Boys stick to know if what I say is in line with their screwed up affairs and girls want to know if these are the only available ways.

Now what is this about?

This is a very stupid collection of 10 steps which is the best effective way to end your courtship with possibly ANY girl on earth. Well, we know that there are thousands of them, but I am just giving you a hint of some from my perspective. Either way, you are reading and you can share your amazing experiences as well and enlighten your fellow human beings.

Now you wonder why the hell I am writing this? What is my expertise in this area? I remember an old quote which says "Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make all of them yourself".

In effect, this is a compilation of some errors I have seen others make and then wish they could go back in time. It's like the film critics, you know. All the film critics are so good at criticizing and shredding it to pieces and stuff, but ask them to direct one for the audience (remember Khalid Mehmood?) and they are much worse duds. Either way, I know you buggers are not going to believe me and think that this is something I have gone through. Suit yourself!!!!

This would be an irregular series and will be posted from time to time depending on my workload and mood (see, I can throw tantrums!). So I will start posting the first one before coming Sunday (30-11-08).

My fellow professionals will understand how dangerous it is to commit to a delivery date and live to see it done :).

Happy Diwali

A very happy Diwali to everyone.

Have a safe, prosperous and fun-filled diwali :)

Have fun with these ads. Even if you might have watched them before, try smiling. Its not injurious to health. :)

அவன்....அவள்....அது

அவன்: "ஏய்...நீ ரொம்ப அழகா இருக்க."
அவள்: "எப்போ பாரு ஜொள்ளு தானா? உங்களுக்கு வேற ஒன்னுமே தெரியாதா?"
அவன்: அப்படி கோச்சுக்கும்போத்தும் கூட நீ அழகா தான் இருக்க தெரியுமா?
அவள்: இதே வார்த்தை தானே அந்த கீழு தெரு சரோஜா கிட்டேயும் சொன்னீங்க?
அவன்: ஐயோ. இது என்ன வம்பா போச்சு. நான் பாட்டுக்கு நான் உண்டு என் வேலை உண்டுன்னு இருக்கேன். என் மேல இப்படி அபாண்டமா பழி போடற.
அவள்: எனக்கு எல்லாம் தெரியும். சும்மா இந்த புருடா எல்லாம் விடாதீங்க.
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்...நான் சொன்ன நம்ப மாட்ட. சரோஜா சொன்னா மட்டும் நம்புவ.
அவள் : அப்படி தான் வேச்சுகொங்களேன்.
அவன்: இந்த மாலை எவ்வளவு வாசனையா இருக்கு தெரியுமா?
அவள்: அட. உங்களுக்கு வாசனை எல்லாம் வருமா?
அவன்: கிண்டல் தானே. ஏதோ அன்னைக்கி ஜலதோஷம் இருந்துது அதுனால உன்னை பார்க்க வரும்போது வாசனை வரலைன்னு சொன்னேன். அதையே பிடிச்சிண்டு இருந்தா எப்படி.
அவள்: பார்க்கிற மாதிரியா வந்தீங்க? வேர்த்து விறுவிறுத்து...யப்பா. உங்க கிட்ட கூட நெருங்க முடியல.
அவன்: பின்ன? வேலை முடிஞ்சு வந்தா உங்க ஊருல என்ன சந்தனமும் ஜவ்வாதும் கலந்தடிச்ச வாசனையா வரும்?
அவள்: பண்றதை எல்லாம் பண்ணிட்டு நல்லா சாக்கு சொல்லுங்க.
அவன்: ஒரு அப்பாவி மேல இப்படி அநியாயமா பழி போடறியே?
அவள்: யாரு? நீங்க அப்பாவியா? இத்தனை பேரு நம கல்யாணத்துல சுத்தி இருக்காங்க, அப்போ கூட சில்மிஷம் பண்றீங்களே, நீங்களா அப்பாவி?
அவன்: என் என் ...என்ன பண்ணிட்டேன்?
அவள்: உண்மையை சொல்லுங்க? உங்க காலால நீங்க என் காலை வருடல?
அவன்: ஒரு இளைஞன் ஒரு இளைஞ்சி கை காலை பிடிக்கிறது ஜகஜம். ஏன்னா இது வாலிப வயசு.
அவள்: வாலிப வயசா? இதெல்லாம் ரொம்ப ஜாஸ்தி நக்கல் தான். 3 கழுதை வயசாச்சு உங்களுக்கு.
அவன்: இப்படி எல்லாம் வெட்ட வெளிச்சமா உண்மையை வெளில சொல்ல கூடாது. உன் புருஷன் மானம் தானே போகுது.
அவள்: சரி...விஷயத்துக்கு வருவோம். என்ன வாசனை வருது உங்களுக்கு?
அவன்: ஹ்ம்ம்....நல்ல ரோசாப்பு வாசனை வருது. அது கூடவே ஏதோ தூக்கலா ஒரு வாசனை. அநேகமா உன்கிட்டேருந்து தான் இருக்கும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறேன்.
அவள்: ஹையோ. உங்களை திருத்தவே முடியாது.
அவன்: உண்மையை சொல்லு. உனக்கு மனசுக்குள்ள குளிர்ச்சியா இல்லை? பொய் சொல்ல கூடாது.
அவள்: (தயங்கி) இருக்கு......
அவன்: பார்த்தியா. பிடிச்சிருக்கு. ஆனா வெளில பண்ற பந்தா எல்லாம் ஏதோ ஒன்னுமே பிடிக்காத மாதிரி தான்.
அவள்: ஹீ ஹீ. ஆமா...இத்தனை பேரு நாம ரெண்டு பேருக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணி வெக்கிறாங்களே, மழை பெய்யும்ன்னு நினைக்கிறீங்க?
அவன்: மழை பெய்யனும்னா மரம் வேணும். அந்த மரத்தை எல்லாம் கட்டிடம் எழுப்பறவன் வேட்டிடான். ஏறில இருந்த தண்ணியையும் மணலையும் இவனுங்களே லாரில அனுபிச்சாங்க. அப்புறம் உனக்கும் எனக்கும் கல்யாணம் பண்ணினா மட்டும் எப்படி மழை பெய்யும்??????
அவள்: இதோ வரான் பாருங்க என் எஜமான். பரதேசி!!!! மனசாட்சியே இல்லாம அவ்வளவு துணியை என் முதுகுல ஏத்தறான் படுபாவி.
அவன்: கவலை படாதே செல்லம். அடுத்த ஜன்மத்துல நாம மனுஷனா பொறந்து, அவன் நம்ம மாதிரி கழுதையா பொறக்கணும், நம்ம கிட்டயே வேலைக்கி சேரனும். மவனே! அதுக்கு வால்ல வெடி வெச்சு கொளுத்தி ஓட ஓட விரட்டறேன்.
அவள்: வேணாங்க. நமக்கு எதுக்கு இந்த வீணா போன மனுஷ பிறவி. கொறைஞ்ச பட்சம் நாமளே நம்மோட இனத்தை வேட்ட்றதும் கொல்றதும் இல்லையே.
அவன்: நமக்கு இருக்கிற அறிவு இந்த கழுதைங்களுக்கு இல்லாம போச்சே.

இரண்டு பெரும் சிரிக்கிறார்கள்....சாரி....கனைக்கிறார்கள்.

How to win votes and screw people

One upon a time, my social science teacher wanted to check our level of focus in life and so asked each of us to explain our ambition in life. At that point of time (in early 90's) it was too much to ask kids who knew nothing more than timings of Chitrahaar/Oliyum Oliyum.

So as budding programmers, we basically copied and pasted other answers as our ambitions throwing a bit of reason here and there. If Ramu said he wanted to be doctor because he has seen his grandpa suffer, Shamu said he wanted to be a doctor because his mom said so. Since engineering was not as common aspiration as Nair's chaaya shop those days, we refrained from "becoming engineers" atleast in that class. I remember answering to become a pilot as I always had the fascination to fly...of course for free and heck get paid as well. Believe me, the part of accompanying beautiful air-hostesses struck me years later.

But as well as I remember, no one ever mentioned that he/she wanted to be a politician. Why would that be? We all know that politics is not a career as like Engineering, medical or Management. As much as clearing IAS is viewed as a matter of pride in the society, the sheer mention of "being in politics" pictures only one view.

Greed. Corruption. Gundagardi.

When was the last time you remember that you saw a politician's pic and telling yourself "That was a good man"? No no...rule out the man smiling on the rupee note. That was bloody ages ago. The things synonymous with Indian politics are scams, murder, party-hopping, goons, black money, inappropriate property, Binaami, Dharna etc. I guess I almost told every possible thing they get summoned to courts for in their political career.

Looking at the incident in Maharashtra where the amazing Raj Thackeray's chamchaas drove away job-aspirants and ranting that they "Want" 80% seats for locals, you wonder "WTF". So that means that you can be a Marathi by birth, produce a caste and birth certificate to prove so and walk all the way to get a government job by sheer right of your birth. Wow! Did you think that getting job was so f***ing easy?

And what happened after his goons did so? 6 people got arrested. So that’s it. Raj would never repeat it isn’t it? Hey, Mr Deshmukh. Didn’t someone tell you that the ball is in your court? And vulgarly I mean the "balls" you know (pardon the foul language people). Judging by whatever is happening there, I donno if anyone in your government has any.

Today he asks the "youth" brigade to rough "outsiders" when they come to write exams. So what’s the point he is trying to make? That the people of Maharashtra don’t have the competency to compete in an exam and get job? Isn’t that an insult to their intelligence? If today, he can beat outsiders to get their jobs, why do you think he won’t beat the locals tomorrow to vote for him? Well, so much for thinking and voting.

So what is wrong with us? We Indians love free stuff. The only thing we won’t (i hope) possibly take free is shit and acid. There is free TV, 1 rupee rice, free sarees, free notebooks. Where does the money come from? Who gives a f**k. We get it free, so shut up and get it. So what could be the next free item on Politicians agenda in the next elections?

Since we started with TV, the next step could be laptops and computers. And what if the oppositions decides to distribute HiPhone (iPhone duplicate :P)? Simple. Maybe the party guys will turn pimps and supply girls. Hey, don’t frown. You may see it happening sooner than you think. Bharath mein sab kuch possible hai baap.

Either way, I would to congratulate Mr. Raj. No. This is not about his terrific "achievement". It doesn’t take Nostradamus to predict that Mr. Raj will win the next election hands down courtesy local jingoism. That in turn may just lead to Raj "clones" in every other state who will turn the heat on "outsiders".

And a man of his word he is, I bet he will bring everything down to separate Maharashtra from rest of the nation....and that may just be the beginning of our end.

The Desperate Housewife

He: "I can't believe we spent 400 bucks on this useless piece of trash."

She: "Told ya. After all this guy made Dhoom. You can't expect him to turn out a Dark Knight for heaven's sake."

He: Yeah, I know. But then, what was I supposed to do? After all, we need to do something on Friday evening.

She: Well, for starters you could have taken my suggestion.

He: And what would that be? End up with something like Maama Mia or Aaja Nachle? Gosh, they had so many songs like Hum aapke hain kaun.

She: Wow. You remember it? I thought you dozed off midway through the movie.

He: I would have for the entire 2 hours, if you were not constantly nudging me and asking me to look at Madhuri's dress, costumes and glowing skin.

She: You didn't hear my suggestion yet.

He: You don't forget, do you? So what was your Friday bailout plan?

She: Simple. Order a sumptuous Pizza from Pizza hut and play the "Jab We Met" DVD on our home theatre system.

He: Didn't we do that previous month on some Friday?

She: You can thank me my dear husband. You were planning to watch 'Mission Istanbul'.

He: Damn! You remember everything. I donno why do these idiots keep making such stupid trash.

She: Because there are idiots like you who are prepared to pay and watch it. And there are innocent people like me who have to accompany without choice.

He: Look. What am I supposed to do? After all the boring work I do for 5 days in a week, I need some outlet.

She: Outlet? Sounds like you need some chimney fixed above your head.

He: No. Like, I need to see few explosions, few thrills, car chases, double-crossing, Villains getting bashed. You know that I can't do these in my real life for sure. Atleast lemme watch someone else do it.

She: Not late you know. I can atleast help you with the 'getting bashed up' part.

He: Looks like you have some plans of your own.

She: You betcha!

He: Now you sound like Sarah Palin.

She: I am not that dumb yet honey.

He: God, we need to travel so far back to home. Damn you Imran Khan!

She: Stop cursing him. He was okay. Besides, you got your fill. What do you care about?

He: What fill? There were hardly any thrills in the movie.

She: You could not take your eyes off Minisha's cleavage.

He: As if I designed her costumes. She comes half naked for the whole movie. What am I supposed to do? Cover my eyes like kids?

She: Like you did when you went to Rangeela ?

He: How do you know that?

She: Your mom told me.

He: See. I have been such a good kid back then.

She: Don't bluff boss. She saw you watching Urmila's non-existent dress through the gap of your fingers while you maintained your act of being 'holier-than-thou'.

He: Oops! Should I call it busted?

She: So tell me? You could not stop staring right?

He: Look. It was unintentional. I went to watch an action movie. What can I do if a chick decides to skip wearing dress and the director turns out to be a sleazy bugger?

She: Quite right. Do you know that the couple next to us was sitting with their arms intertwined?

He: You should have told me. I would have suggested few good surgeons to consult.

She: Haa haa haa. Very funny. You were so romantic before marriage.

He: (mutters) next time, I should check for individual seats.

She: What?

He: Nothing. Next time, you sit on my lap and I will feed you an ice-cream.

She: You dont get it do you? You think that buying me a 5000 Rs Necklace or a costly sari or expensive Burberry perfume is going to compensate for the time I don't get to spend with you?

He: You tell me, what to do?

She: That's the point. There is little joy in getting things that I ask for. Greater joy lies in getting the unsaid wish list. For me...... and you.

Both remain silent for another 30 mins. They reach their house and she opens the door and almost slams it.

As she enters, she is astonished to find a huge portrait of theirs in the hall.

She looks at him and is at loss for words.

He: I remembered you looking at the portrait that day in the photo studio. Thought it would be a nice surprise.

She: But how did you do it?

He: Let's keep that a secret. Otherwise I can't do something like some other time.

She: Tell No. Pleaseeeeeeeeee.

He: (takes her in his arms and whispers) Women and secret. They never go together.